Things I Know Today That I Did Not Know Yesterday

One Spontaneous Sunday...

2009-03-30T20:38:00.004-04:00

Thing #153: Spontaneity is fun.

Yesterday, Ian and I were both off from work (which doesn't happen often) so we decided to do something fun. Then we remembered we live in Opelika, AL. Not much to do here, so we went to explore the city and found ourselves in a rundown shopping plaza with a handful of odd stores including the Armchair Safari Pet Center. Well, we both love animals, so we headed in.

We got out of the car and were blasted by the sound of what we think was a bird that screamed across the parking lot, sounding a bit like someone experiencing a slow painful death. We hesitated, turned to face one another. Was this such a good idea after all? Too late to turn back; we slowly walked in, greeted by two massive parrots, a couple smaller birds, and rows of fish tanks, but not a person in sight. We stared down a large wooden tunnel like structure in the center of the room and up two steps. It was lined with fish tanks on either side and simply labeled "The Gazebo" by a pasteboard sign written in sharpie and taped to the entrance.

"You can go in." We turned to see who had spoken. It was an Arab man with a thick beard who had mysteriously appeared behind us, smiling curiously. We nodded politely and made our way through "The Gazebo" to the back of the store where we saw another such sign that read "Furry Animals". We walked back to find some gerbils, a couple of rats, and some white fluffy things that never moved and didn't look very alive. After this we decided it was time to leave. On the way out, we passed a nice looking couple with their young daughter standing frozen in the door with wide eyes. Obviously their experience was similar to ours.

But the spontaneity did not end there! Around midnight Ian decided to let me cut his hair. No, I have never cut hair before. Yes, I sent him to a real barber today to fix it.

The Chimp

End Tables Aweigh

2009-03-08T23:14:00.003-04:00

Thing #152: End tables can float.

I learned this one the other day when I came upon and end table in the middle of my lane on a back road. Being a concerned citizen I put on my four-way flashers and hopped out of my car, into the pouring rain, to remove the safety hazard. Once I was out of the car, another car pulled up behind mine and proceeded to wait for me. Being, again, a concerned citizen, I quickly thrust the table to the side of the road in order to keep traffic moving (up here, two cars are traffic).

That's when I noticed the end table had lifted its anchors and was floating "merrily, merrily, merrily, gently down the stream." In this case said stream was actually more of a large storm drain bursting its banks. So, being, as we have established, a concerned citizen, I quickly ran to the back of my car, rescued the end table from the raging waters, and securely placed it on the side of the road where its owner could find it if he/she/it/they so desired. It was gone when I went by today. <------------(This is a rather abrupt ending.)

Kiwifruit

On the Road Again

2009-02-18T14:42:00.002-05:00

Thing #151: Road Projects are not always meant to improve said road.

It's true. I always assumed that when a new construction project was taken up, the end goal was supposed to be better than where it started, but apparently that isn't so.

Example 1: Last year they demolished a decent, though not in great condition, road nearby. After finally repaving the road, it was actually in better shape, so I assumed they were finished. Wrong. They came back and cut a strange rectangular hole in the new road. Then, eventually, they filled the hole with pavement that doesn't quite line up with new paving around it, making it like a little misshapen speed bump tucked away in one lane. But still this wasn't the end. Over the next few weeks, they cut two similar holes and did an awful job filling them. You would think whatever needed to be done could have been when the road was demolished, it's not like they hurried to repave it.

Example 2: The beginning of January they went to the road connecting to the first one. (All these roads, by the way, make up my commute to work). This time they demolished the old road leaving a sad dirt path with chunks of old road and manhole covers sticking a few feet above the ground in places. About three weeks later they finally started the repaving process. It wasn't bad at this point, except they left about a two foot wide gap between the new paving and the old roads that intersect, and the pavement on the old roads sits about two feet higher.

A week or so after this phase, the man hole covers were miraculously back a couple of feet above the pavement. It went on this way for most of February. Until about a week ago that is. Now, right at the intersection where I turn on to this road, in the lane I need to turn in to, there is one of those mysterious rectangular holes, this time longer, wider, and deeper. So how is my tax money helping keep Alabama's roads up? It's not. I'm paying them to cut holes in my roads so I can drive through an obstacle course every day. Well, there are still two roads I drive on in my commute. I suppose they will decide to "improve" those next.

The Chimp

Writing, With Firm Resolve

2009-02-11T17:56:00.003-05:00

Thing #150: The Declaration of Independance includes the phrase "manly firmness."

So was reading the Declaration of Independance today (how often do you get to say that?) which I thought I knew fairly well. It turns out there is a lot more to it than I thought. Beyond open explanations that I already knew (all the stuff about unalienable rights and the pursuit of happiness) the document actually includes a list of grievences against the King of Great Britain, including the following,

"He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.*"

Now, I would certainly not argue that the Founding Fathers were not manly or resolute, but it just wasn't the phrase I expected. I would have thought they would say something like 'opposing with great resolve' or 'opposing with resolute will.' At any rate, I'm sure the Founding Fathers knew what they were doing. Maybe manly firmness is more eloquent than I think. Or maybe they didn't want to be eloquent.

Happy Presidents Day

Kiwifruit

*-The Declaration of Independance

One Kiwi Show

2009-02-07T05:15:00.004-05:00

Thing #149: Phil posts more on this blog than any of the other contributers.

Now I am sure your wondering how I know this. No, your probably thinking "That's obvious, I read the blog and I can count." Well, it probably should have been obvious to me, but I actually didn't come to this conclusion from counting his posts.

The truth is, I was scrolling through the blog, as I do every day wishing there was a new post to read, when I noticed the list on the side of labels used on each post. The labels were ordered according to how many posts carried that particular one. At the very top of the list was 'Katherine' with 17, and at a close second 'food' with 16. Yep, that just screams Phil.

Not a quality post, but it's something to be sure, and all your going to get out of me at 4:18 a.m.

At least next time I check the blog I'll see something new, even if I did post it.

Here's to post 150! May it be better than this one.

Goodnight.

The Chimp

The H()le Truth

2009-01-29T22:18:00.008-05:00

Thing #148: Snow can be very deceptive.

As you may be aware, most of the United States has been coping with large amounts of snowfall, including Northern New York. You, however my not be aware that my church is nearing the end of a major building project which has spanned, depending on who you talk to, anywhere from five years to the past century. I think it is closer to the former.

So, in the interest of helping out and getting to play with neat tools, I have been going down to the church the last few Thursday nights and working on the church. Mostly I've been insulating heating ducts, which means working in a thin T-shirt when it's freezing outside and still sweating.

On a recent visit, I was headed back to my car when I noticed a van parked in the path most easily accessible. So I decide to cut across a snow covered area that looked something like the chart below.

^----------------------------------^

As you can see there were two mounds of snow with a long, flat path between them. At least that's what I saw. Removing the snow you would get the following chart.

| |

|_________________________|

That's right. It was a big hole. Below the two charts are merged to give you an idea what was actually going on.

^----------------------------------^

|_______________________|

I'm sure you have surmised what happened next

^-------- ---------------^

|______\____/____________|

Yep, that indentation is where I landed after jumping over the first mound. Talk about a rude awakening. I managed to claw my way out and go home, but there was a brief moment of panic.

Moral: Looking before you leap is no help at all.

Kiwifruit

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

(===========) <------Viking Longboat :)

///////////

Birthdays

2009-01-29T17:59:00.002-05:00

What we know is that birthdays are inevitable. We all have them.

What you might not know is that more times then not my birthday has fallen on a date where unnecessary travel in our county is not recommended. Often as a child plans for my birthday have fallen through.

This year, wiser as I am instead of planning events for my actual birthday we planned them for the day before. Although the weather was not spectacular we were still able to make the trip to Syracuse, watch a movie, consume copious amounts of cold stone creamery ice cream and hoffmann hotdogs, shop and have a great time.

The next day , as predicted, Phil and I were snowed in, unable to venture out to church or anywhere else until the evening. Luckily we had a cake mix in the cupboard and we were able to persevere. It was a good birthday :)

0 Grams Trans Fat*

2009-01-15T23:31:00.004-05:00

Thing #146: Nutritional facts can be decieving, so remember to read the fine print.

So, tonight was my father's birthday. (Happy Birthday, by the way). Anyways, as is tradition he got to choose his birthday dinner, and as is tradition, he chose cheesburgers and tatertots. Same thing he chooses every year. So, I was waiting for the oil to heat up to deep fry the tatertots (It's important to point out here that I dumped half the bottle in the pot) and I started examining the bottle. Ian pointed out that it said "No trans fat".

Ian: Ah! See, no fat in it.
Me: No trans fat, there's a differnce, and as you well know, trans fat is a myth. It doesn't seem to be in anything.
Ian: Right, so how much reglular fat is in it?

Naturally, I turned the bottle around to check the nutritional facts which read: 14g fat. 14 grams, not bad, right? That's what I thought. Than I read the servings. Serving size: 1 tablespoon, servings per container: 252. Ok, so I used half the bottle, that's 176 servings or 2,464 grams of fat.

(Sorry dad, not intending to bash the health qualities of your meal... wait, you probably never thought cheeseburgers and tatertots were in any way healthy)

The moral of the story: Always read the serving size, and NEVER assume "no trans fat" means "healthy".

The Chimp

*Serving Size: 1 Paragraph
Servings per post: about 6
Total Fat: 1,487 g
Trans Fat: 0 g

Don't Drink (Tea) and Drive

2009-01-12T19:50:00.002-05:00

Thing #145: Tea can be much stronger than I expected.

I love tea. This is a fairly recent development, but I've found that I enjoy a nice cold brewed tea. I've begun noting the various shades of flavor, the variety of taste in each different kind. So it was with great excitement that I perused the shelves at Target for some new kind of tea.

Now, as if my previous exultation of the greatness of tea wasn't enough, it gets worse. The tea I selected was something called 'Sleepytime Extra.' It seemed innocent enough, with a picture of a cute little bear, sleeping in an old-fashioned wood rocker. Then I got it home.

No, this isn't the part where the bear comes to life and attacks me. No, Katherine got to reading the tea. It has a warning and this wasn't some, 'Tea may be hot when brewed' kind of warning. Nope this was a serious warning involving the product not being intended for children and not operating heavy machinery. Yep. I slept great last night.

Kiwifruit

Rest in Pleats

2009-01-04T22:06:00.004-05:00

Thing #144: Dead people wear clothes too.

And sometimes they need a new outfit.

I run across many strange things in retail sales. I've had more than a few bizzare and awkward conversations with my customers, but none beats the woman that came in the other day.

She was shopping for a nice, decorative, white button up blouse. Simple enough. I got the impression the shirt wasn't for her. It had to be very modest beacuse it was for an older woman. As we walked around the store and searched for one that would work I asked my typical probing questions about what the event was, what the person's tastes were, ect... I got an atypical answer. The conversation went something like this:

Customer: Well, you're probably going to think this is a little morbid.
Me: Ok...
Customer: It's for my 86 year old mother... who's dead.
Me: Oh...

What do you say to that? Turn's out they had a suit for her to wear for the funeral, but needed a shirt to go underneath, so I spent the next 20 minutes or so helping the woman pick out an appropriately dressy and decent blouse which her deceased mother would approve of. So the moral of the story is... actually, if there is a moral in their somewhere I'm not sure what it is. I just hope that someday when I die some nice retail associate will see that I am nicely dressed for my funeral.

The Chimp

A Slight Correction Or Two

2009-01-04T20:26:00.005-05:00

Thing #143: There were a couple of errors in my last post.

As is tradition, and possibly law, in the 'news' business, I will now make corrections in the same section where the error was originally printed. This is not because I am under the impression that this blog is 'news,' but rather because this blog only has one section.

Error 1: I made a slight mathematical error, something that has become somewhat commonplace around my house. I stated that we had 55 posts last year, when, in fact, as astute observer and sometime contributor, Inebriated Chimpanzee pointed out, we had 56 posts.

Error 2: I incorrectly identified the author of "A PBS Companion" as Frank Stewart, but upon picking back up to read the chapter on Julia Child (awesome!) I realized his real name is David Stewart. I was a tad confused here.

Error 3: Writing a post to correct these errors instead of editing them in the original post an hoping no one noticed.

There you have it. Now I can sleep tonight.

Kiwifruit

Frankly, It's Been a Good Year

2009-01-01T23:26:00.002-05:00

Thing #142: Today is Frank Wiseman's birthday.

Frank Wiseman made a series of groundbreaking documentaries for public television. I just thought it was interesting that I began a chapter on him in Frank Stewarts, "The PBS Companion" practically on his birthday.

Also, on an administrative note, 2008 was a banner year. After a slow (read, non-existent) 2007, we roared back, adding two new contributors and reached a record 55 posts on the year. Next year, we break 60. Or not. Whatever.

Kiwifruit

No Post For Christmas

2008-12-24T23:47:00.002-05:00

Thing #141: Just because it is Christmas, it doesn't mean you have a sudden surge of inspiration.

For lack of said inspiration I will simply say:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Now I have to go find baby Jesus so I can put him in our manger.

And seriously, have a good Christmas.

Kiwifruit

Hats Off to the Dust Speck

2008-12-21T20:05:00.004-05:00

Thing #140: The Cat in the Hat lives on a speck of dust.

So, Katherine and I have been taking care of a young child this week, and as a consequence have been revisiting some of our cherished childhood films. It really explains alot. In the course of this, we'll call it 'research,' I've discovered the above fact. The following paragraphs will lay out my case, in detail.

We'll start with The Grinch. This is of course the beloved Dr. Suess character who, in 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas,' attempted to stop the Whos in aptly-named Whoville from having Christmas by commiting a number of felonies, including theft, breaking and entering, and the unthinkable treenapping. Upon returning to Whoville with an enlarged heart (which he is never treated for), The Grinch returns the gifts, trees, and various other Christmas items (with the exception of one "Very Gaither Christmas" CD, fortunately lost off the top of the mountain.) He is subsequently given a place of great honor carving the roast beast.

Fast forward to the near future when Whoville has grown from a small villiage to a thriving metropolis complete with skyscrapers, a clock tower, and several Starbucks. This is the setting for the follow-up film, 'Horton Hears a Who.' It is in this film that it is established that Whoville is actually located on a speck of dust. Thus, in order to interact with the Whos, the Grinch must also reside on said speck of dust. To complete this theory I will turn to the final film of note, 'The Grinch Grinches the Cat in the Hat,' in which the Grinch, presumably before his heart enlargement, does or attempts to do, a variety of unkind things to the aforemention Cat in the Hat. Thus, the Cat in the Hat must live on the same speck of dust as the Grinch and the Whos. Which begs the question, "Why did we never see any meaningful interaction between the Cat and the Whos?" I smell a conspiracy.

Kiwifruit

P.S. My apologies to anyone who actually spent time reading this.

I Know You're Reading This

2008-12-14T23:01:00.002-05:00

Thing #139: Somebody checks this blog on Tuesday.

I know this because I have a tracker set up to send me emails. Everytime I get it it looks something like this

| _

| _ _ _ _ _ _

|_________________

As you might assume, I did not put much work into this recreation. Also, you might assume that the dash way up in the air represents Tuesday. It does. So, to whomever checks us out Tuesday, however many people you might be, more power to you.

Also, to whomever is not checking us out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, I say, "Why not?!"

I'll give Friday a break. Really, who's lame enough to check a blog post on Friday . . . Oh, wait, that'd be me.

Kiwifruit

A Blank Stair

2008-12-09T22:15:00.005-05:00

Thing #138: Taking the stairs may be better for your health, but it can sure be tricky.

I have a confession to make . . . I've been trying to be healthier. Hard to believe, coming from the guy who once bragged about eating a sandwich made from an entire loaf of French bread, but it's true. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables, going to the gym, and, yes, taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

I found this can have disadvantages though. Truth be told, taking the stairs is a leap into the unknown. To make my case I invoke the following three examples.

The first came in a medical building. I merrily pressed my way up the stairs to the third floor, only to find myself in the middle of some sort of surgical unit. I think it may have be a recovery area or something, but I honestly didn't stay long enough to find out (the man with the industrial toolbox sticks out in such a place). I got directions from a nearby nurse to where the elevator would have come out and headed that direction.

Then, last week, I went to the eighth floor of an eight story building. I decided to take the stairs down. They stopped on the sixth floor, so I decided to go back to the eighth floor and use the elevator there. This would've been a great plan had the door back onto the eighth floor not been locked from the inside. About that time, I noticed the entire stairwell was under construction as was the seventh floor. So, I waited on the eighth floor until someone walked by and banged on the door as hard as I could. Then, I took the elevator.

But this is nothing compared to today. Today I was in a second floor office when I noticed a door at the back with a white piece of paper taped to it. It read "Do Not Use. No Stairs." I decided not to try this one. From now on I think I'll just take the elevator and do jumping jacks the whole way up. That sounds much safer.

Kiwifruit

So It Begins...

2008-11-23T20:44:00.002-05:00

Thing #137: The holidays are a time for family, fun, food, and home renovations.

Every year as the holiday season draws near there are so many wonderful things I look forward to: spending time with friends and family, Christmas shopping, delicious holiday meals. There is, however, one thing I don't look quite as forward to: the home renovations.

You see, my parents have this crazy idea that the hectic holiday season is the best time to tackle huge projects, such as redoing a bathroom. I came home from work today eager for leftover turkey and stuffing from this mornings church meal, which I sadly had to miss, followed by some early Christmas shopping. I walked in the door, dropped my coat on the coat rack. Five minutes later my parents came through the door from Lowes with an armload of supplies. The new tile is going up, the sink may even work after this round of renovations!

I suppose in some small way it wouldn't really feel like the Holidays without the piles of ripped out shelving on the porch, the new tile stacked in the dining room, and the sound of construction echoing down the hall. Its just one more of those family traditions we've developed over the years. So the holiday season has officially begun, and there will be much more of friends and family, food and presents, tile and grout, and all that other great holiday stuff in the coming month. Here's wishing you all a great Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas!

The Chimp

Stop and Smell the Tea Leaves

2008-11-17T23:34:00.002-05:00

Thing #136: Closed caption is not a reliable news source.

Sitting in Arby's today eating lunch, I found myself watching the news. As usual, the volume was extremely low and the other lunch goers quite loud, so I had to rely on the closed caption. The anchor was talking about the auto crisis and the possibility of a bailout. He said something about the American people being disgruntled by this, followed by, and I quote directly from the closed caption, "But, if you read the tea leaves and count the noses you will see that..."

Hmmm... I hadn't thought about that. I just counted four noses (two human, one cat, one dog) and the tea leaves didn't appear to be written in English, and still I am no closer to understanding the Detroit auto crisis.This is why I never watch the news and avoid all things political. Way too confusing.

The Chimp

Little Bo.... Jenkins?

2008-11-15T13:12:00.004-05:00

Thing #135: I am a geek.

Ok, so some of you knew this already, but I didn't realize it. Perhaps I knew I had some, shall we say nerd like tendencies, but I had no idea how deep it went.

The new expansion for world of warcraft came out on Nov. 12. Ian and I had been eagerly awaiting the game's release for months, but as the date grew near we began to fear not being able to find a copy so we did what anyone with nerd like tendencies would, we preordered it. Ian stopped at our local gamestop and payed the man in full for two copies of the wrath of the lich king.

Ok, so we preordered a game, no big deal. It gets worse. On Nov. 12 we stood in line with all off the other geeks at said gamestop so that we could recieve our copies the very moment they went on sale, 12:01 a.m. Nov. 13.

The more I sit here the more I realize I have always been a nerd. I remember dragging my brother to walmart at midnight the day the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring went on sale on DVD. I didn't preorder it though. And in neither instance did I dress up in a silly costume! Instead Ian and I stood in line with everyone else talking excitedly about the new game and our characters, and of course, what we would have dressed up as if we had worn costumes!*

The Chimp

*A mage with a polymorphed sheep.

The Dip Guy

2008-11-12T23:36:00.003-05:00

Thing #134: I am the dip master.

This is a strange sentance, so let me clarify. I made a lovely guacamole dip for our bible study tonight. As we all munched on it, I got talking to Jim, our small group leader, about all the great dips I make with our mini-blender. As the list went on, I began to realize I have a bit of an obsession, or rather another obsession to add the list, right between politics and coming up with ideas for television series. Yes, I love dip. In fact Jim dubbed me the 'dip guy' and suggested we start a business with me making dips and him making something involving wontons which I could neither spell, nor pronounce. Personally, I hope the new moniker doesn't stick.

Kiwifruit (AKA, the Dip Guy)

The Black Hole Ate my Witty Title...

2008-11-03T17:07:00.003-05:00

Thing #133: There is a black hole in our blog.

Firstly, it ate post #130.

Secondly, It swallows up all my inspiration every time I open the blog with the intention of posting. I sit, my fingers posed over the keyboard, ready to type, and then I feel this pull as the ideas are slowly drained from me. That's my explaination for my lack of posts recently.

Thirdly, Most of the page is black. So it must be a black hole.

All right, this proved my point. I posted, but all the usual wit, creativity, and inspiration were sucked out of this post before I ever hit the 'publish post' button. Perhaps we will look into fixing this problem.... assuming there is a way to 'fix' a black hole.

The Chimp

There Goes the Left Leg

2008-10-20T18:47:00.002-04:00

Thing #132: Clay, in addition to being heavy, is a menacing substance that, given the opportunity will suck half of your leg into itself.

I learned this working at our church's property this weekend. This is why I came home sore and half covered in muddy clay. Really, this is the only thing I could think of to post about. It's sad. I hope that it will get better.

Kiwifruit.

It Being Determined That Said Blogger Is A Nerd . . .

2008-10-03T19:02:00.005-04:00

Thing #131: According to Article I, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution "the Vice-President of the United States shall be President of the Senate."

This question came up in last nights debate after Sarah Palin mention that the VP has the power to preside over the Senate. Joe Biden quickly 'corrected' her explaining that said VP can only vote when there is a tie and has no power to preside over the Senate. I thought he was right. He wasn't. Rather he was right that that is the only time a VP gets to vote, but not in whether or not the VP presides over the Senate.

Anyway, after watching the debate, I ran across someone pointing out this mistake while reading about the debate online. Then, after work today I did what any normal American citizen who has a question about government would do. I grabbed my copy of the U.S. constitution and started reading. After skimming it three times, I read more carefully and discovered the aforementioned sentence.

Naturally, after finding this out I had to take the chance to actually pull out an article and section of the Constitution like they always did on The West Wing. It makes me feel smart.

Kiwifriut

P.S. Thing #130 has not been skipped, it's just waiting to be completed. This may or may not happen. I can actually count.

Wired

2008-09-19T23:22:00.004-04:00

Thing #129: I am a complete nerd.

Don't get me wrong, I already knew that I was a nerd, but a complete nerd? It turns out, this is true. It all started with a trip to the mall. Now, normally I don't like malls, but this time I knew there would be dinner involved, specifically one of those Chinese places where you get 3 meats and a side for $5.50. So I went.

When Katherine and I first arrived, we headed to the food court, past a music/movie store with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Barack Obama and John McCain prominently displayed in the window. So I did what any normal American would do. I had my wife take a picture of me in front of them and sent it to everyone in my family. This does not make me a complete nerd. It just means I happen to enjoy having my picture taken with cardboard cutouts/statues/action figures of famous people. (So far I also have Mahatma Ghandi and Ryan Seacrest. I never thought I'd mention them in the same sentence.)

Then we went to Best Buy and my wife and I convinced each other to buy a wireless router. This is where the nerd came out. Katherine dropped me off at home and went grocery shopping. I spent the better part of the next hour setting up the router, playing with the settings, and sharing our printer. Then we both took our places at our respective computers. Katherine went online and checked out various web pages. I, on the other hand, began pulling up shared folders, pinging her computer, attempting to hack her computer, and generally bothering her with all the cool stuff I could do on our new network. She was underwhelmed. Oh well, I'm going to go find some more thing to do on our network.

Kiwifruit

Gone With the Wind

2008-09-15T21:52:00.004-04:00

Thing #128: If the remnants of a major hurricane are heading towards your area, it's wise to secure your trash can.

I'm sure everyone's heard by now about Ike the hurricane that tore across America. We in Northern New York ususually don't worry too much about hurricanes, for the same reason people in Miami don't usually worry about snowstorms, they don't usually occur here. However, last night the in its final blow Ike tore through the area blowing over trees and taking down large swaths of the local power grid.

So, when I got up this morning and I had power and none of my trees were down, and my tomato plant was still sitting merrily on my porch roof, I thought nothing was amiss. That is until I went down with a load of stinky trash to put it in our cheap plastic garbage can. It seems said can took this as the perfect opportunity to runaway to some home with trash that is less stinky. Oh, well, c'est la vie (Two years of French and that's about all I know). Next time I'm tying the can to the tomato plant.

Kiwifruit

Win Your Neighbor

2008-09-10T19:03:00.006-04:00

Thing #127: It is impossible for a candidate to win the US Presidency without winning at least 2 states that border each other.

I'm about 94.6% sure of this after about 45 minute of trying to do it on NPR's interactive election map. Also two 'v's (vv) and a 'w' look very similar on CAPTCHA's. CAPTCHA's if you didn't know are those oddly shaped letters that you have to decipher in order to post on, say, this blog. I learned that a couple of weeks ago.

Kiwifruit

What's That Smell?

2008-09-04T18:20:00.004-04:00

Thing #126: Covering up bad smells doesn't always work.

I guess this one's a little obvious, but true, none the less!

You see, it began yesterday with an... interesting smell coming from the bathroom. Ok, so I know what you're all thinking, but this wasn't your ordinary bathroom "interesting smell". Last night the smell was still there, only stronger. That's when Ian and I were finally able to identify the odor as it had a very distinct scent to it, the smell of something dead.

Having confirmed that some small critter must have died somewhere in the wall/basement/attic didn't help much. It still smelled. The solution? Mom lit a delicious mocha scented candle and stuck it in the bathroom. Which leads me to the covering up smells part. I wandered in to brush my teeth and mom came by to ask if it smelled any better. The answer? No. Now, instead of smelling like something died in the wall, it smells like something died in a cup of coffee... Oh well. Now is the part where we scour the walls/basement/attic and try to discover the source.

The Chimp

(Ok Kiwi, what did I spell wrong this time?)

Poolside Epiphanies

2008-09-02T01:54:00.002-04:00

Thing #125: Never leave a pastor alone with a bowl of potatoe salad.

Sunday was bright and sunny, a good day to have our monthly church fellowship dinner at a house with a pool. We swam, we fellowshipped, we had fun. Then came time to eat.

Whoever said pot luck dinners were horrible... well, you're right, they typically are, but not this one! We had steak, baked potatoes, potatoe and pasta salads, bread, and enough sweets to decay every tooth in America!

There was one problem, I barely got any potatoe salad, definately one of the highlights of the dinner, and many people didn't get any at all. After we ate, a few of us stood around discussing the situation and it went something like this:

Me: "It was delicious. I barely got any!"
Mom: "Your father almost didn't! And the pastor's wife didn't get any except what she scraped off the serving spoon."

This is the point where the pastor walked up.

Pastor: "That's all right. Tell her I ate enough for both of us!"
Church member: "I didn't get any either."
Pastor: "Well I had plenty!"

The moral of the story: Don't leave your potatoe salad unguarded with a pastor around. It may not be there when you get back. Other things I learned at the pool include:

-If you give water guns to people in a pool, they will shoot them at the dry people not in the pool.

-Don't try to toss people in. They may land on the cement around the pool instead. (Don't worry, he was ok, just a slightly banged up knee.)

-If you help the small child out of the pool every time they scream "OUT!" they will continue to scream it every time.

-Small children's floation devices are not suitable for 200+ pound men. (Yes, this was my father.)

All joking aside, It was a blast, and next time, mom will just have to make a larger bowl of potatoe salad!

The Chimp

Hidden In Plain Sight

2008-08-30T17:13:00.003-04:00

Thing #124: It's never too late to realize how brilliant a song line is.

So, I'm sitting on my futon playing my guitar a few minutes ago when I have a revelation, or maybe an epiphany. I'm not sure what it takes to get to the level of 'epiphany', so I'll just go with revelation. Anyway, I'm playing this song, "Close of Autumn" by Caedmon's Call. Now I first heard this song in 1997 or so and learned to play it several years ago. Then I run across the following line.

"I guess I'll drop my anger here/Before I float away"

I always thought it was a neat line, and felt like there was something different about that I could put my finger on. Now, I know your probably wonder what it is, but you probably already know. It's just a bit obvious, especially when you read it aloud. This is clearly a play on the similarity, soundwise, of anger and anchor. It took me far too many years to catch that. Brilliant.

Kiwifruit

Welcome Homes

2008-08-27T17:56:00.003-04:00

Thing #123: Both of the guys running for president have a lot of money.

As you can imagine this was quite a shock for me. I just always assumed that all politician were good hearted saints who gave all of thier money to the poor, at least all the money they haven't spent helping save cute little puppies.

Seriously, though, now we've got this huge flap about John McCain having loads of houses, which they seem to have countered by pointing out that Barack Obama has a multi-million dollar home and, it seems, a private beach. Personally, I'm glad. I mean would you want to trust your countries future with a guy living out of a cardboard box? I certainly wouldn't.

This, to me, just drives home the point that it's much better to pay close attention to the presidential primaries and then just ignore everything until it's time to vote. The primaries were a constant debate about ideas, hopes, and plans, the meat of a campaign. Now we get Obama being compared to Paris Hilton and John McCain mocked for having a lot of real estate. Can anyone say middle school. (I realize most middle-schooler have neither houses nor Paris Hilton, it's a metaphor about petty name calling.)

So I hope somebody from these campaigns reads this, because, that would be just cool. And it would mean someone was actually reading this. But also, maybe then we could get some discussion of the issues that really matter. Like how may cars Obama has.

Kiwifruit

Beauty and the Beast

2008-08-23T15:03:00.003-04:00

Thing #122: Men are civilized, women are savage...

I know, the last thing you expected to hear. And I'm sure many of you are laughing so hard it is difficult to read (Especially you women). But, it is the truth!

I have worked in retail long enough to know that when women shop, they transform into monstrous beasts that tear through your store leaving a trail of destruction. And men, well they transform too. They may be too stubborn to ask for directions on the road, but when a man walks into a woman's clothing store, they become timid and helpless creatures.

To illustrate my point, I will lay out two scenarios for you.

Scenario A:

Man goes into clothing store. He is looking for a shirt, but only because his wife FINALLY threw away all of his old ones that were ragged and full of holes.
He wanders around for a bit looking at shelfs and racks and tables with wide, fearful eyes. Suddenly, he sees a shirt. He decides he likes it, so he quickly grabs said shirt in every color available and proceeds to the check out.

Scenario B:

Woman goes into clothing store. She isn't looking for anything in particular.
She proceeds to the first rack, picking up, moving, and generally pawing through every item. Then the next rack, and the next.
Slowly, the beast begins to emerge. She begins to pick things up, walk around, toss them back on shelfs they don't belong on.
She heads next to the beautiful table displays. By now her transformation is in full swing. She goes into a frenzy, unfolding every shirt and tossing them all back in a pile on the table, the beauty now gone.
Finally she makes her way to the dressing room with the 14 items she has selected. She tries each one on, finally decides she hates the way she looks in everything and will buy nothing.
Before she leaves, she makes sure to take every one of her 14 items and put them back... in the wrong place.

So you see, I now spend my days and nights picking up the pieces left behind from these uncivilized encounters. I must now rest, and prepare to return on Monday, to try to bring some order to this chaos.

The Chimp

And the Gold Goes to Canada

2008-08-11T20:16:00.003-04:00

Thing #121: NBC stinks.

This is a bit harsh, but not, I think unwarrented. You see I love the Olympics. Not that I would ever, ever . . . ever (no this is NOT to much emphasis) be able to actually compete in the Olympics. I once wanted to be an Olympic rowing, but then realized that never actually having rown or even been in a boat I should find a more realistic dream. I ended up with watching the Olympics, which is much more realistic.

NBC is 'covering' the Olympics, so I came home from work and turned on NBC. Then, my wife tells me that it's not on again until eight (3 hours away). I wait the whole time. Then turned said channel back on. It was men's syncronized swimming. Yes, there is such a thing. No, I did not want to watch it. I have since landed on the local Canadian station which is covering . . . rowing! I love Canada.

Kiwifruit

Where Oh Where Has My Little Tie Gone

2008-07-17T22:14:00.005-04:00

Thing #120: It helps to be prepared, but if that fails, knowing someone who is more prepared works too.

I work at a job that requires a tie. I also work at a job that requires me to be out the door at 7:30ish. These facts when combined make for a situation in which I will once every month or two rush out the door sans tie. I am prepared.

I have a car tie. It's the tie that matches every shirt I own. It rides around in my car all day so when I forget I can slip it on and save face. No one likes to be the guy who forgot his tie. It worked well . . . until today. See, yesterday I forgot my tie. I also forgot to take my car tie off in the car. Then, I forgot my tie this morning.

I arrived at work at 7:50 with no tie. I also had no time to go back. I also had no iguanas in my car, but that doesn't really matter for this story. I had to think fast. Joe was in the car next to me. Joe is the newest tech we have, thus I felt it would be sensible to ask him if he had an extra tie. He did not. He did however mention that Jerry, our IT director might have one. So I went to Jerry's upstairs office.As soon as I walked in I knew I had hit the motherlode.

Each desk/table/computer in his office had a pile of ties the size of a large hill on it. I was stunned. So I asked him if he had a tie I could borrow. This is like asking Bill Gates if he had a couple of buck you could borrow. He said sure and I picked out a tie that would match my shirt. The moral of the story is never, ever bring your car tie in the house. An alternate moral would be it's good to know someone who keeps loads of ties on his person.

Kiwifruit

Old Fashioned Way

2008-07-03T09:10:00.004-04:00

Thing #119 Film strips are still set up by hand

My husband and I have been frequenting the local drive in theatre. Last weekend was a great line-up of Wall-e and Get Smart. We talked about it all week and invited my sister to join us for the second movie. About ten minutes into the first feature I look and the picture is upside down and the audio is running backwards, it is starting to get annoying, I wonder is this pixars idea of a dream sequence? I think maybe it is just because he is upside down or something, I mean he is a robot and there is no diologue in this movie....eventually they stop the film and we wait while the projectionist fixes the reel. Yes, in this the digital age, there are still men who load the film. I know this because the elder projectionist stuck up a conversation with me about the new kid who put the film on for the first time while my sister was waiting for her mozzerella sticks to cook. He even gave me a piece of filmstrip to show me where the audio and picture are. Some things are still done the old fashioned way. 6 dollars a ticket and they don't charge an arm and a leg for popcorn either. You can bring your own even and sit in your lawnchair. That is why we love the drive in. I didn't know they still had to load the film, but I know that now.

Not the Max I Wanted to Know About

2008-06-25T23:41:00.004-04:00

Thing #118: My company uses crude advertising tactics!

The Chef was greatly distressed today. He was working in his place in the print department which was toward the rear of the retail establishment where the Chef works (it shall herein remain unnamed).
He was merely minding his own buisness, when a customer walked past him and inquired where the location of the bathroom was, he pointed toward it and she looked up and said, where it says "Taking Your"?

He looked and also saw the phrase displayed prominently above the hallway to the bathroom, "Yes," he said, "that's it."

She walked past him toward the bathroom, and the Chef continued about his buisness. A few moments later however, he found himself over by the hallway entrance shaking his head as he stared at the rest of the phrase in utter bewilderment.

"Buisness to the Max" It boasted in bold lettering. "Taking Your buisness to the Max" sitting right above the hallway to the bathrooms...

Mork, Mork, Mork

Sweet Home Alabama . . .

2008-06-25T21:58:00.003-04:00

Thing #117: The south is insidious.

I thought after more than a decade in Alabama, my family and I were relatively unscathed by the influence of the South. Sure the occasional 'ya'll' might escape our lips, but my dad still drinks unsweet tea, my mom talks like a Yankee, and I REFUSE to eat any part of a pig (except bacon) let alone EVERY part of a pig!

Sad but true, the south has finally reached us. I went outside tonight to find my dad and nephew shooting his newly acquired bb gun at empty playdo cans on the back deck. My husband and I came out and joined in the festivities. I'll point out when we came out, neither of my aforementioned relatives had been successful. My husband hit one of the containers on his first try, and I on my second.

Somewhere in the midst of all the fun, my nephew, dressed in his Alabama Crimson Tide shirt and matching baseball cap, said "Yep, this is what we do for fun here in Alabama." That's when it hit me . . . We are turning into rednecks. The next thing you know I'll be eating grits and saying fixin' and reckon . . .

The only way it could have been more southern is if they were beer cans, but being my nephew is underage and none of us drink, playdo cans were the next best thing.

The Chimp

Balloon Wars, Continued...

2008-06-24T14:00:00.005-04:00

Thing #116: Balloons are naturally given to escaping.

As my colleague Kiwifruit mentioned earlier, balloons can sometimes be difficult things to deal with, however, what those difficulties pertain to can be be entirely opposing factors, for instance... Kiwi mentioned the malicious and destructive nature which some balloons possess, taking every opportunity to lash out at the world around them, on the flip side however, I would like to say a word about the elusive nature of balloons

To illustrate this I will use a few true childhood stories...

It was a Sunny Sunday afternoon, a group of children stood at the far end of a lobby inside of a church, at the other end a group of kid's camp counselors had just finished blowing up balloons and one of them stepped to the forefront, calling out that the kids may "proceed in orderly fashion over to where the counselors were and that they could each take one balloon of their choosing".

One boy (a.k.a. The Swedish Chef) was especially fond of balloons and was standing toward the front of the crowd, as soon as the "come over here and grab a balloon as fast as you possibly can" order was given the entire group of happy children surged on mass toward the balloons The Chef was younger than most and so was trampled underfoot by the throng, by the time he recovered his senses and stood back up on his feet all the balloons had been accounted for and the poor young Chef was out of luck.

Another time that same young man actually got a balloon and took it all the way home, once home he happily jumped out of his car and accidently tripped and fell, in dismay he watched his balloon drift down to the ground and touch the very tip of a single blade of grass... POW!

As if this isn't enough to illustrate the point...

Just recently the Chef was shopping at a prominent retail establishment on a certain holiday which embraces love, and romance, and all those wonderful mushy concepts... he was shopping for his wife and selected a large balloon in the shape of a big red heart which said "I Love You" simple, and accurate thought the Chef. He seized the balloon by the string and happily walked up to the awaiting cashier, still oblivious as to the transitory nature of his esteemed prize.

The cashier, snatched the balloon, yanked it forcefully downward, scanned it, and let it go... It flew up, it's string drawing tight, it's string not holding, it's string falling down the the ground as the actual balloon floated all the way to the very, very high ceiling...

The cashier didn't notice at first and after she did she and another lady began suggesting that the chef take a large ugly frog balloon which was holding a heart as a replacement... The Chef was very sad.

Fortuantely the Chef went shopping with his wife in that same retail establishment shortly after that and he pointed out to her the balloon he had meant to get... She seemed to enjoy it, even from far away...

Mork, Mork, Mork

We Can Finally Afford That Toothbrush You Wanted So Much

2008-06-23T22:09:00.004-04:00

Thing #115: Nothing stimulates the economy like good dental hygeine.

So we finally got our much lauded "Stimulus Check." So what did we do with our hundreds of dollars in free* money. We bought new toothbrushes! YEAH!

The Kiwifruit

*-To be paid for by future generations at a later date.

And Then There Were Three . . .

2008-06-14T10:41:00.005-04:00

Thing #114: The key to consistancy is getting other people to do stuff for you.

That's why we added at least one (1) new writer and possibly two (2). Now, let me just assuage any concerns you might have about our blog lower its standards. We don't have any. You know that. But, seriously, we have made sure that our new additions to the Things I Know family have all the qualities that make this blog great: a fascination with life, a random sense of humor, relation to the current writer by marriage and the inability to post on a regular basis.

Actually part of the idea is that if there are three (3) or four (4) of us posting here the liklihood of going long period without posting (i.e. 2007) go down at least a little. We'll see how that goes. At any rate, we welcome Sweet Talker, who just happens to my wife.

Kiwifruit

Man Vs. Balloon

2008-06-08T20:13:00.002-04:00

Thing #113: Balloons are really wild, untamed beasts, bent on our destructions.

So, here it is, the previously foretold balloon post. About a week or two ago my wife and I were shopping for a new, used, cheap car. This, because she is looking at getting a new job that's not around the corner from the house. We had found a car she liked and thought nothing could get in our way. We were wrong.

We walked over to the car (which was on the opposite side of the lot from where the lady there sent us) and began checking it out. Of course, being a car lot it was filled with brightly colored balloons, streamers, and various other attention grabbing devices. I wondered which car was having a birthday but decided not to asked. This is when things turned nasty.

As I approached the car I noticed an innocent looking bright red balloon, which was tied to the car's antenna. I noticed it, because it was lunging straight at me. Naturally I thought this might be a good time to use my karate skills, but it's been many years since I took karate, so I just stood there dumbfounded while the balloon pummelled me several times before retreating back to its corner. I actually think I saw another balloon pouring water over its head and massaging its shoulders.

I know what you're thinking, "Man, this guys crazy. That balloon was probably just randomly blown by the wind." (If you weren't thinking this, go back and read that again while thinking it, so I can be right.) That's what I thought too, then it hit my wife. She pushed her way through and, before following her I looked the balloon squarely in the eyes, or rather where the eyes would have been, if it had had eyes and told it to back off. And then, it came at me. Wham!!! Needless to say I retreated as far away from the balloon as possible and stayed out of its range for the rest of the day. Next time, I'm carrying a safety pin with me.

Kiwifruit

One Tree at a Time . . .

2008-06-01T15:51:00.005-04:00

Thing #112: There is more than one way to cut down on waste and save the environment.

I know this, because my mom has come up with a new way of reducing the waste we throw away each day.

You see, my family has a long history of being pack rats . . . sad but true. I myself have unfortunately fallen prey to this nasty little habit, but I am not so deeply entrenched in the need to save things as is my mother.

It all started a few days ago when I found a CD sitting on the CD rack by the computer. I pulled it out, and there, in said mother's handwriting, were the words 'Bad disc'. I had a good laugh about why it was labeled and not thrown away, showed it to the rest of the family, and then stuck it back in the CD rack . . .

But this was only the beginning! The next morning I woke up and was milling around the house. There had been a pot of oil on the stove in which my not entirely healthy husband had some oil to fry chicken, french fries, dog treats, and whatever else he could find to deep fry.

So . . I'm milling when my mom walks by and says, "Don't use the oil in the white pot, there is a fly in it!"

I am at this point thinking, "Oh, so she is warning me because it's still on the stove and she just hasn't gotten around to throwing it out yet."

I made my way to the kitchen to wrangle up some breakfast, and there on the counter I saw the pot of oil with something strange over it. I walked closer to find a piece of paper lying across the pot that said "Do not use, there is a fly in it!"

Yeah . . . what more can you say?

The moral of the story? We could all do our part to cut down on waste by keeping it in place and labeling it as trash instead of actually throwing it away.

The Chimp

Surely, It Stinketh

2008-05-26T14:50:00.002-04:00

Thing #111: Maintaining the refrigerator is an important, yet trying task.

My wife left me in charge of defrosting the freezer and cleaning out the old leftovers in our refrigerator. The trouble is, our freezer door is broken in such a way that it doesn't close properly and has been known to leap out at unsuspecting victims (a.k.a. my wife) who then ask me to get food out of it so as to avoid another attack. I'm good at catching it. The problem with having a door like this (other than a good scare from it flying at your face) is that frost quickly builds up on edge of the freezer until it starts to look like what I see out my window from around December to March or April, snow covered hills.

It was a valiant effort. I didn't realize you could sweat while working in a freezer, but apparently you can, or at least, I can. After blow drying, chipping, and pounding my way through this, I moved on to the simple task of emptying out leftovers (and by simple, I mean gross). We're actually pretty good about getting rid of left-overs in a timely fashion, but this is the time when the ones that got lost in the back turn up.

As I prepared to open the first container, I was reminded of a Bible story. Yes, you heard that right. If you remember, when Jesus is about to raise Lazarus from the dead, Martha protest. She points out that he's been dead four days and surely it stinketh (in the KJV). Some part of me was similarly saying, "It's been in there X number of days! Surely it stinketh!" I persevered, doing my best not to breathe through my nose. Now, I just have to make certain everything got back in the fridge. Maybe later I'll tell you about my new theory on balloons.

Kiwifruit

The State of Birthdays

2008-05-25T21:59:00.004-04:00

Thing #110: It is not socially acceptable to draw a picture of the State of New York on the envelope of someone's birthday card.

This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.

Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.

We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.

Kiwifruit

Happy Birthday Kiwi!

2008-05-19T18:49:00.003-04:00

Thing# 109: My brother is a quarter of a century old!

I did not know this yesterday because it was not true yesterday. In honor of this special day, I have decided to collaborate with his parents and former roommate to compile a list of 25 things you may not know about Phil:

1. Phil is single handedly responsible for the death of countless pots, pans, and small appliances, including all those lost in the great 'Pecan Pie Massacre' and, I hear, a $10 mixer.

2. Phil can occupy every inch of space in front of a sink and counter while simultaneously being slower than humanly possible at getting ready.

3. Phil is a lover of nature. He once backed his car into a tree, got out, checked the tree with complete lack of concern for his car's well being, and drove to work.

4. Phil runs red lights and stops at green lights. Several long stories involved, but he has done both.

5. He can climb a telephone pole with his toenails. This is how he earned the nickname 'Bellsouth'. If you've seen his toenails, you understand.

6. His favorite colors are green and khaki.

7. He has a passion for cooking, especially grilling meat.

8. Little dogs love him and feel a compulsion to follow him for as long as possible after he walks by.

9. He once ran into a parked car.

10. He once set our front lawn on fire burning ant hills with gasoline. In his defense, he had help with this one.

11. He will wear a pair of sandals until they fall apart . . . then he will duct tape and super glue the pieces together and wear them until his wife finds out and throws them away.

12. He will take anything if it is free and buy anything if it says 'new' on the package.

13. He is an accomplished singer and songwriter, as well as guitar player.

14. He's unbeatable in the game Encore.

15. Everyone knows him. Growing up I was always "Phil's sister" and everywhere we went, somehow, at least a handful of people knew Phil.

16. He loves to take things apart and find out how they work, and unlike his dad, he can usually put them back together so they still work.

17. He's never had much fashion sense: The star shirt, the sailboat shirt, the sweat pants with the hole from his knee to his ankle . . .

18. He is blindingly white, but then, that is sort of a family trait.

19. When he was four years old he lined up all the kids in the playground and made them sit down and listen while he preached to them.

20. He typically has bad luck with birthdays, hopefully this year was different!

21. He's a pool hustler.

22. There is no counting the number of times he has locked his keys in his car . . . while it was running.

23. His snore is said to be something like a gas generator, a guerilla battle cry, and a dying moose . . . run through an amplifier.

24. He has his mother's sense of direction. He once got lost in the bath tub, and spent hours wheeling a copier around a building looking for the exit.

25. Everyone loves Phil. The first time I met my future in-laws, we brought Phil. When we left my roommate said, "I think they liked you . . . but they LOVED Phil!" I guess he's just a loveable guy!

Happy Birthday Phil! We love you!

Phil's Sister

The Sandals Weren't Made For Walking

2008-05-17T22:27:00.003-04:00

Thing #108: Sandals and parades are not a good combination.

I was in a parade today. I know what your thinking, "Don't you have to be famous to be in a parade?" To which I would reply, "But I am famous." Just kidding. No, it turns out they just let anybody walk in parades these days. Case in point, I was in a parade today.

Now, logic and, coincidently, my wife would dictate that ratty, old flip-flops are not wise attire for a parade. Somehow, that little fact escaped me, even though my wife, as previously alluded to, pointed it out. You have to give me credit though, I did figure it out about halfway to the parade, when my feet started to hurt. That's right, I did say halfway to the parade, not halfway through it. We walked there. We barely made it. As we approached the pre-assigned meeting point, the parade started passing us.

We manage to catch up with the group from my wife's daycare, just as they were embarking. Then we walked. More. And I handed out strange paper hats to young children and couple of elderly people. It was good. My feet would disagree.

Kiwifruit

Is it just me, or do my posts tend to end rather abruptly?

The Universe, Peanuts, and the End of the World

2008-05-17T15:50:00.004-04:00

Thing #107: The universe was brought to us in part by Planter's peanuts.

Strange but true. Apparently God had a little help from the peanut people, or so thinks the history channel. I was sitting on the couch watching a show about planets, black holes, and the likes, aptly named "The Universe" when all of the sudden as the commercials began I was notified of this fact. I wonder which part they were responsible for?

Either way, I must go now and quickly prepare for certain doom. As the show neared in end, they announced, and I quote, "Cosmic Apocalypse, coming up next."

As a side note, I also now know my blog has a spell check, which dad pointed out after trying to help me figure out to spell apocalypse. So I now I know it's spelled correctly.

The Chimp

A Papal Mess

2008-05-16T18:26:00.006-04:00

Thing #106: There are endless possibilities for misusing the word "papal."

I started thinking about this recently when the Pope visited the United States. During the intense (okay, so intense and papal visit don't quite go together) news coverage the term Papal mass kept coming up. Of course, as everyone knows, this comes from the terms, mass, meaning a Catholic service, and papal, a term which encompasses all thing pope. It a Catholic service done by the Pope.

This however was not my first thought. My first thought was that it sounds like something the doctor would find during a routine exam. "Well, once we remove the papal mass from your side you should be fine." Unfortunately it didn't stop there. Here's the short list.

Papal Mass (alt.) - A unit of measurement based on the physical density of the Pope (or papal density).
Papal Mess - What happens when the Pope forgets to put the top on the blender before starting it.
Papal Miss - What you get when the Catholic Church finally allows the Pope to get married.
Papal Moss - What happens when the Pope lies still in the forest too long and lichen begins to grow on him.
Papal Mist - The Pope's own brand of lemon-lime soda.
Papal Mast - Part of the Pope's boat.

This is what happens when I spend too long in a car by myself. So remember kids, don't ever get a job that requires you to drive a lot and if you are lost in the forest moss always grows on the north side of the Pope.

Kiwifruit

The Ups and Downs of Optimissim

2008-05-14T02:03:00.003-04:00

Thing #105: People used to read this blog.

Do they still? I'm not sure. For all the months I posted I had no idea, but lately I have been reading through old posts and have found comments from many readers I never knew we had. I confess it gives me a new found ferver for posting on a more regular basis. I shall endeavor to be a more optimisstic person in the future.

Except maybe when it comes to the Flyers. I tried being optimistic, but that got me nowhere. One more game and we're done for the post season.

Ah, it's good to be back.

The Chimp, back and better than ever

Pirates, Lions, and Oxen, Oh My

2008-05-07T19:44:00.003-04:00

Thing #104: Pirate, Lion, & Oxen Camp is an almost perfect anagram of Maxon & Lupia Reception.

I learned this through my father who spent a good deal of time perfecting this during my cousin's (the Maxon half) wedding reception. Now, you may be wondering why he would do this. More likely you see what's coming. He, with the help of my uncle and cousin, who will remain unnamed (not as in they were never given names, but as in I am not going to tell you it was Uncle Harry and James), ran a special ops mission to rearrange the letters on the sign outside the conference room to read this. I even helped at one point when I saw a hotel employee heading their direction while looking for my wife. Noticing the three of them suspiciously crowded around said sign and well aware of their masterful scheme, I simply walked beside said employee creating a visual barrier to their activity. I was headed that way anyway.

Overall, it was a good weekend. I got to see my parents, who flew up from Alabama for the wedding. Djere got married. The Flyers finished off the Canadiens in five games. I hustled my dad and Uncle Dave at pool (with some help from Aunt Pam and sheer luck). It was fun.

Kiwifruit

Words, Part 2

2008-04-26T18:45:00.003-04:00

Thing #103: Phrases are just as dangerous as words.

This afternoon, I was relaxing and playing guitar waiting for house guests to arrive for dinner, when my wife yells for me to come kill a bug. Being a man, I rushed in and slapped the offending insect with my hand. After Katherine left the room I noticed the bug was still moving, dying a slow painful death, so I began looking for something to kill it with. At this point, Katherine yelled from the kitchen to ask me if I would do some dishes. I, of course, wanted to kill the insect first and replied with, "First I want to finish this bug off." Completely innocent. This is when Katherine asked me what I said and I realized that responding to a request from your wife with a sentence that ends with "Bug off" is probably not the best idea. She had heard any of what I said, and so I shared this with her. She got a good laugh out of it. I'm going to turn off the computer now, before it is struck by lightning.

Kiwifruit

What It Takes

2008-04-22T17:13:00.003-04:00

Thing #102: It takes a special kind of person to be a Philadelphia Flyers fan.

That type of person is a sheep, or a lemming, or a dumb dog. Pretty much anyone who is willing to think the best of a group of people no matter how often they are proven wrong is a good candidate. Case in point: The Flyers built a 3-1 lead in their playoff series. In hockey, this is the equivalent of the point in the movie where the good guy has finally outsmart the bad guy, knocked the sword out of his hand, and has but to take him into custody.

Now, we are at game seven. Out of the last 226 series with 3-1 deficits only 20 teams have come back to win. You can always count on the Flyers to beat the odds to lose. Granted, I am being a bit premature. The Flyers could win tonight, manage to stay alive. The point is even if they do, this turnaround simply confirms what Flyers fans have known for a long, long time (since 1976), the Flyers seem to excel at finding ways to lose.

That being said, I am hopeful. This is another trait of loyal Flyers fans. No matter how many times our team manages to lose, we are always hopeful. This is probably because the Flyers have a knack for being really, really good, until they collapse. However, this year is different. Instead of the usual string of aging, soon-to-be retired/free agent ex-superstars we usually put together we have a crisp, young group of players whose best years are still ahead of them. Even if we do lose tonight, we'll be back next year. And we'll be better. Assuming we don't trade everybody again.

Kiwifruit

Happy Birthday, Grandpa

2008-04-20T19:04:00.002-04:00

Thing #101: There are some thing you just can't forget.

Today is my grandfather's birthday. At least it's day I remember it falling on. I remember it whenever I see it in writing or on a calendar. He died in 2003. I thought it fitting to write a tribute to him and the things I remember about him.

I remember coming to see him, he'd be wearing his favorite shirt (no shirt at all). I still refer to wearing no shirt as 'wearing grandpa's favorite shirt. I remember the Spanish peanuts with the red skins he always had at his house. I remember the frog he used to have in the living room, that croaked whenever you walked by. I remember the way my sister used to call him 'grumpy, grouchy, grampy.'

I just thought it was fitting to remember him today. Happy birthday grandpa.

Kiwifruit

Stalling Out On Memory Lane

2008-04-20T18:15:00.003-04:00

Thing #100: I love special events.

You know things like the Superbowl, the Stanley Cup Playoffs (GO FLYERS!!!), Series/Season Finales on TV, Weddings, 100th Blog Posts. Yes, it's true, this is my 100th blog post. And it only took 3 -1/2 years. 2-1/2 if you don't count the missing year (2007, 0 posts). At any rate this seems like as good a time as any to look back and say, "What were we thinking?!" So, now the moment you have absolutely not been waiting for . . .

THE TOP 10 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED:

10. You can fix a sandal with ducttape (Thing #58, MacGyver Could've, 06-20-05)

9. The best way to get instant name recognition in a group, is to bring cookies. (Thing #92, Now All I Need Is Some Milk, 03-02-08)

8. Severed chicken heads can be cute. (Thing #80, Chicken Heads and Other Items, 01-16-06)

7. Just because you think someone you know may have liked a movie, doesn't mean you should rent the remake. (Thing #74, Be Careful Whom You Fly With, 12-24-05)

6. Before removing the LED from an FS-C5016 (This is a color printer) you must "sufficiently do let escape the static electricity which is electrified in the human body concerning the metal part and the like of the aqueduct faucet, after that do work.*" (Thing #88, Like an Aqueduct, Eh?, 02-28-08)

5. If your boss leaves you to answer phones and they don't ring for a long period of time, get suspicious. (Thing# 48, Your Call Is Very Important to Us . . ., 05-20-05)

4. If the teacher asks, "Do they still throw chairs on Jerry Springer?" Don't be too quick to answer. (Thing #33, And You Know This How?, 01-20-05)

3. Handzi the stuffed sloth can fit all the way through the ice dispenser on our refrigerator. (Thing # 1, It Begins, 11-24-04)

2. When you go to take off a flat tire, make sure the parking brake is engaged. (Thing #41, On a Roll, 04-21-05)

1. There are some problems that can only be solved with an eight pound sledge-hammer. (Thing #47, WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!, 05-17-05)

There you have it. I was going to do commentary on each one, but that seems a bit excessive now. Maybe I'll save that for 200. I will, however, copy the footnote that goes with the asterisk on #6. Aren't I so nice.

Kiwifruit

*- Kyocera KM-5016 Service Manual (Rev. 1.4)

Laughing Like A Danish

2008-04-14T19:53:00.004-04:00

Thing #99: Every letter in Matt is the first on it's respective number on a standard cell phone.

I just programmed my friend Matt's new number in my phone. I thought this was cool. In case you haven't notice I could have major surgery (which I haven't) and you would never know from reading this blog, but this make it on here. Personally I think these insights are much more interesting. So do the 0 people who read my blog regularly. You can't argue with statistics.

Also, you should know that I was going to blog on here about what a good sense of humor the Danes have, and how the world would be so much better if we were all like them. That would've been silly. In case you were wondering Matt isn't Danish. He might like danishes, but then again, who doesn't? Think about that for while. Then go have a danish.

Kiwifruit

P.S. I accidently leaned on the enter button and didn't want all the enters to go to waste. Excited about post 100? Oh well, at least I am.

Keep Dreaming

2008-04-05T14:22:00.005-04:00

Thing #98: Dreams can come true, just hopefully not all of them.

The Philadelphia Flyers have now officially made the playoffs. For those who haven't been paying attention it went something like this. The Flyers destroyed their competition and climbed to the top. Then they went, "Hey, were at the top, let's kick back and relax." Then they fell to the bottom. Then they woke up and just barely scraped their way into the playoffs.

On the other hand I had a dream last night that John McCain was announcing his running mate. It was my cousin. Like I said, not all of them.

Maybe I'll pick up Silent Mountain again. (<--- I did.)

Kiwifruit

Spring, Here We Come

2008-03-22T22:14:00.003-04:00

Thing #97: If Spring won't come to you, you've got to go to Spring.

March and it's still snowing in New York.

That's why I'm in Alabama.

I'm typing this from my father's giant orange armchair.

I love vacations.

Kiwifruit

Never Perfect Radio

2008-03-15T12:06:00.003-04:00

Thing #96: National Public Radio is a liar.

It's true. Yesterday our local station reported that we would be getting eight to sixteen inches of snow this weekend. I despaired. I went back to the office at the end of the day and told Dan what I'd heard. He didn't believe me. He was smart. It turns out we will be getting no snow this weekend. I'm glad for that. Still, I'll feel pretty dumb when I go back to work Monday. Dang NPR.

Kiwifruit.

Taxes: "Just Say Hold"

2008-03-14T20:48:00.004-04:00

Thing #95: There is something worse than being on hold . . . being on hold with the IRS.

It's true, I had to call the IRS recently. And when you have to call the IRS, you HAVE to call the IRS. So I called. Then I spent the next 20 minutes on hold listening to what Katherine suspected was "The Nutcracker Suite." I could not verify this. My favorite part though, what the pleasant, generic sounding voice which would chime in every so often and remind me that all associates were busy with other customers. Customers?! Seriously?

Don't get me wrong, I understand this is probably just a generic message, but it just seems a bit wrong. Having the IRS refer to me as their "customer" seemed akin to having the guy who just mugged me thank me for my business. Weird.

At this point I should say that I fear the tone of my posts have been getting more and more negative. Several months of winter will do that. So here's some positive stuff.

I'm going to see my family in Alabama at the end of next week. Woohoo! Also, my in-laws are letting us house sit for them this weekend. They have good cable. Woohoo! I also still love racquetball and am getting better at it. My favorite moment from last nights game was when Rob had me analyze what I did wrong when I missed. The second one, I swung at, or so I thought, but was nowhere near it. My analysis for what I did wrong? "I didn't hit the ball." Duh. At least it got a laugh. I love laughing. I'm going to go laugh with my wife now. Funny movie. Steve Carrell. Enjoy life. Say no to drugs (unless your doctor prescribes them.) This post is quickly devolving into chaos. I'm ending it now.

Kiwifruit

Will Someone Please Remove This Month From the Building

2008-03-10T17:36:00.003-04:00

Thing #94: If March goes out like a lion, February has to be dragged away by security, kicking and screaming.

Every month has its theme, its motif, its, dare I say, personality. You know what I mean. July is the patriot, waving flags and testing us with its heat. May is the NHL playoff timme and someone's birthday is (just in case anyone forgot). And February is the month that, at least up here, clobbers us over the head with snow and then drops to below 0 temperatures to freeze us under an immovable floor of ice. Not a very friendly month. Then there's March.

March is normally the month that smiles warmly on us, thawing the snow and ice, so April showers can bring May flowers (and playoffs). March is benevolent, kind and friendly. Maybe that explains what has happened. See, when it came time March showed up, smiling and preparing its warmth, then BAM!!!! February clobbered March over the head declaring it would never give up, and cackling maniacally.

As you may know, we up here in the North Country had a rather sizable winter storm this past weekend. This explains why I spent an hour and a half shoveling to get the car loose so we could get to church Sunday. Then, another 30-45 minutes when we got home so I could get the car back in. I didn't mind. It was March. It would melt soon. Then I got up this morning. It was -10. No problem, it'll pass. Then I saw the weather today. Next weekend low 20's and 30's. I'm so glad we're going to Alabama.

Kiwifruit

Whilst Playing Racquetball . . .

2008-03-06T22:04:00.004-05:00

Thing #93: I have good hand-eye coordination.

At least that's what Rob said . . . while beating me 15-3 at racquetball. It was a good time though. In between games he taught me some tips regarding where to stand, correct postures, and how not to slam into walls at high velocity. Also, I learned that concrete walls are hard. Really hard. So is the floor. After diving for the ball at one point, Rob congratulated me on getting the hit. I responded that I was too late and he agreed, but was apparently impressed with my willingness to sacrifice my body for the point. My body was not so impressed, as it has reminded me several times since.

After Rob left, I went to the exercise bike to wait for Katherine, who was grocery shopping. There's nothing like reading about the hotly contested Democratic race, whilst pedaling at an average speed of 17 MPH. There's a good reason there's nothing like this. Also, I like using the word, "whilst."

Afterwards, Katherine picked me up, and asked what we had talked about. The rest of the conversation went something like this.

Katherine: So what did you guys talk about.
Me: Racquetball. You know, proper stances, ect.
Katherine: Oh. You didn't talk about life and stuff?
Me (giving it thought): No, just racquetball.
Katherine: But, what about when you were volleying.
Me: We just volleyed. That's all.

Truth is, it's hard to discuss life and love and what-not in an echo chamber. Not that I'm against trying. It's just not what guys do I guess. Not like a hard and fast rule, just not really something we would think of. That's all for now. I'm lucky I haven't fallen asleep on the keyboard.

Kiwifruit.

Now, All I Need Is Some Milk

2008-03-02T22:26:00.003-05:00

Thing #92: The best way to get instant name recognition in a group, is to bring cookies.

Katherine and I went a photo shoot today . . . As models. I have to admit it was a strange thing to get used to, responding when people said things like, "Models over there," or "You're one of the models, right?" A friend of our, Mabyn, who does photography in Syracuse was involved in a shoot with a bunch of photographers and we volunteered to help. In exchange we got two free meals and, eventually, a CD of pictures from the shoot.

Katherine thought it would be nice to bring cookies, which I volunteered to make. Thus, while we were all finishing a lunch of bowling alley pizza, it was announced that Phil had brought cookies. The rest of the day every so often someone would come up to me and say, "Hey, your Phil, right?" I would, for the most part, respond in the affirmative, which would be followed with some comment about the "good cookies." And they were good cookies. I'm so glad Katherine talked me out of making the oatmeal raisin.

At any rate, it was a good day, long, but good. Can't wait to see the pictures.

Kiwifruit

Directions, Por Favor

2008-03-01T18:13:00.004-05:00

Thing #91: You can effectively Google directions from Barcelona, Spain to Oslo, Norway.

You cannot however get to Beijing, China. Darned Communist era information bans. It all started simply enough. I looked at some streets, got directions to and from pertinent places. Then, I just got curious. Also, I ate dinner on a cardboard box tonight. It was good.

Kiwifruit

Happy Leap Day!

2008-02-29T19:40:00.004-05:00

Thing #90: No one really cares about Leap Day.

So, today is February 29th. This only comes once, like, every four years. Amazing. So, why are there no major celebrations, no festivals, no choirs singing. Well, I guess some choirs may have sung, but not in honor of the day.

Well, I care. So, in honor of 'Leap Day,' I'm have work tirelessly fabricating outlandish facts about the day. I would have used real facts, but I only know one (the odds of being born on said day are 1 in 14,000 or 1,400 I can't remember which), and I'd rather not go through the work of actually looking them up. Hey, if it works for the Times . . .

Here they are:

In 1983 the Senate passed a bill attempting to move the Presidential Inauguration to February 29. The House quickly squashed the bill pointing out that, as inauguration doesn't fall on a leap year, future presidents would have to wait over three years to be inaugurated, thus crippling the system.

In ancient Greece, being born on February 29th was considered a great blessing. Children born on this day were exempted from military service and given first choice in goats and Monopoly pieces.

In 1843, France officially declared that all people born on the 29th would be allowed to age every year regardless of whether or not thier birth date fell in it. French women everywhere protested.

There you have it. I'm going to go have a festival or something now.

Kiwifruit

File Under Procrastination

2008-02-28T19:24:00.004-05:00

Thing #89: I can give my blog labels.

I guess I'm a bit of an organizational freak. I just love the though of all 89 and counting blog posts being neatly sorted by subject, ect. I promised myself I'd be off by 7:20. I haven't made it. Now, if only I could organize my real files this well.

Kiwifruit

P.S. Katherine, I am also getting the list of things you left me done. (Insert innocent smile here.)

Like An Aqueduct, Eh?

2008-02-28T19:00:00.006-05:00

Thing #88 (YEAH LINDROS!!!!!): Before removing the LED from an FS-C5016 (This is a color printer) you must "sufficiently do let escape the static electricity which is electrified in the human body concerning the metal part and the like of the aqueduct faucet, after that do work.*" (sic . . . DUH!)

See, now it's funny running across something like that. It is not however funny running across something like that when you're trying desperately to get a job done without causing any problems. Then it's just terrifying. I think it means you have to ground yourself first. You gotta love poor translations.

Kiwifruit

*- Kyocera KM-5016 Service Manual (Rev. 1.4)

Just giving credit where credit is due.

Mr. Freeman, I Presume?

2008-02-24T14:51:00.004-05:00

Thing #87: The barber cannot make me look like Morgan Freeman.

Sad, but true. I learned this after Katherine noticed a man who looked suspiciously like the actor walking out of Vinny's Clean Cuts. I commented that Vinny must be one good barber, and that's when Katherine explained that no matter how good a barber might be, there are certain obstacles which cannot be overcome.

It also made me think, "What if it had been Morgan Freeman?" Granted I have no idea what he would be doing in Northern New York, but I would've been cool. Or not. I mean, in theory I think it would be cool to meet someone famous, and I do enjoy Freeman's work, but, seriously, what would be the point? I would probably just act the same as if I met anyone else I don't know. I'd say hello and introduce myself, stand there awkwardly, and then slip away and go find someone I actually know. And, of course, ask him who his barber is.

Kiwifruit

Just Aim For the Wall

2008-02-22T21:00:00.004-05:00

Thing #86: Racquetball is a great sport.

I have to admit, I've never known much about racquetball. Most I knew that it was play with a ball, a racket, and rich people. Then my wife discovered they have racquetball courts at our local YMCA, where we're members. Turns out, she has some history with the sport, so we tried it. I love it.

There are several reasons I love this sport. For starters, hitting the wall is a GOOD thing. If you hit the wall in any other sport it's a bad thing. Think basketball, baseball, stock car racing, bowling, darts . . . the list goes on. Now, hitting a tiny goal, or a series of pins, these are problematic for me. I can sure as heck hit a wall . . . most of the time anyway.

In addition to the great size of the target, you get a reward when you hit it. THWACK!!!!!! Yes, the sound of the ball smacking the wall is my great reward. Just for fun, I like to see how many walls/ceilings/floors I can hit it off . . . or I'm just too lazy to go after the ball.

Finally, practically the entire room is an echo chamber. This certainly made the instruction phase more interesting. By the time Katherine was on the fifth word, I could still here the first four. This is my excuse for having no idea how the game is played, other than hitting the wall with the ball. Maybe I'll look into that later. For now, I'll just aim for a wall . . . any wall.

Who's Bright Idea Was That?

2008-02-20T22:37:00.001-05:00

The green lettering on this blog is too bright. I need to change that. I have no earthly idea, why I thought anyone would or could read that. This blog is dead . . . well . . . mostly dead at least. Fortunately I know CPR. Unfortunately, I don't really have time for that now.

I'm going to sleep. Maybe I'll post again. Maybe not. Maybe the world will implode tonight. This last possibility is extremely remote. Did I mention I'm going to sleep.

A Little Light Reading

2006-06-28T22:58:00.002-04:00

Every journey begins with a step. Like this one:

The night was dark, and seared forever in Ian Elliot's mind. What had started as a beautiful evening with friends erupted into chaos and tragedy, as men, women and children rushed to escape Silent Mountain, the lavish estate of Chester Winfield.Three years later, life has returned to normal . . . or has it?

Strange new abilities and recurring visions slowly draw these same people back to Silent Mountain, in search of answers. But, the place that once brought them together threatens to divide them again as fear and paranoia set it in. Will life ever be the same for those changed by Silent Mountain?

I'm writing a novel on another blog. Check it out here ----> http://silentmountain.blogspot.com

Flaming Kiwifruit

The Coca-Cola Currency Exchange

2006-04-09T14:15:00.001-04:00

Coke machines are more than just blatent commercialistic attempts to get our cold cash for a cold drink. They are also magical boxes of transformation for change.

I was going to do my laundry today. I dug through my change jar, sorting through loads of useless nickels and dimes, desperately seeking quarters for this endevour. Two loads, at $1 for washing and another for drying comes to 16 quarters total. I had nine.

So, I went and started washing with the 8 quarters I did have and plotted my next move. I would go down to the cafe in one corner of campus and take out some cash as I had none. Then I would go to the other corner of campus and turn that cash into change at Environmental Services, the location of the only coin changer on campus.

Now, granted, this all hinged upon the assumption that the coin changer was operational, which is a very big assumption. It never seems to be operational, when I need it. I've heard rumors that at times it does work, but they are as of yet unconfirmed.

The final leg of my journey would bring me back to the laundry room at the other corner of campus. So, I entered my room, grabbed my wallet and keys, and headed out, locking the door behind me. That's when I saw Ian, my roommate.

Ian, you see, always has loads of change in his drawer, so, I asked him if I could borrow some and give him cash in a little bit. He kindly obliged, but was low on change for a change. I told him I'd be fine but he insisted.

So, he gave me the last of his quarters and two dimes and a nickel.

"Just put these in the Coke machine and press the coin return," he said, "It'll give you back a quarter."

"Really?" I replied.

"Yeah, but don't use the Pepsi machine. It doesn't work. Confounded new-fangled technology."

I swiftly returned Ian's change and went back to the change jar. I counted out 8 sets of dimes and nickels, for good measure, and rushed down to the laundry room.

I arrived and shoved two dimes and nickel in. I pressed the coin return and like magic a quarter came out. I proceed with the rest of my change, transfixed with childlike awe on the process. It was amazing . . .

Flaming Kiwifruit.

This Is Why I Can Never Take Snowboarding Seriously

2006-02-12T23:20:00.003-05:00

Just because a sport is in the Olympics, doesn't mean you have to take it seriously.

Take snowboarding. It may be part of the Olympics but here's why I can never take it seriously.

1. Competitors who get points for completing moves such as the McTwisty.

2. Sound bites such as, "Yeah, the gold medal it's like heavy . . . Like, winning it . . . I mean, like, physically."

3. And finally, the gold medalist . . . The Flying Tomato!

I rest my case.

This Changes Things

2006-01-24T22:33:00.001-05:00

Life is very unexpected. And I do mean very unexpected. In a good way.

In case anyone doesn't know I've recently entered a relationship with a beautiful, vibrant young woman (Oprahesque, I know). This was unexepected enough in itself. More unexpected is that this particular young woman, Katherine Widrick, lives in Upstate NY. I currently attend college in Florida.

And it gets crazier. You see, I've never met Katherine in person. She was friends with my cousin and we met through his message boards. Tomorrow is her birthday, and so I thought I would post and let everyone know that I'm in love with this girl.

Makes me understand this song better.

All things considered
We're both, certifiably insane
And I don't miss my mind

I don't miss the driving
And I'm always driving in my mind
And wearing out the road that gets me there

I may never find the sleep
I've lost all feeling in my hands and
Feet may touch the ground but
My mind's somewhere north of here

Happy Birthday Katherine!

Chicken Heads and Other Items

2006-01-13T17:19:00.003-05:00

Severed chicken heads can be cute. Just trust me on that one.

I'm back at college, which means writing reports. Which means I don't like typing anymore. That's not true.

Anyway, since I've been here I've written a report, cleaned up on the "Weather" category on Jeopardy, implemented my "5-Color Diet," and done a lot of other things that I can't remember because of the cold/cold medicine.

And, just for the record, this Monday . . . VENGANCE WILL BE MINE!!!!! AND DAVID'S!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! (Let's just say, it involves a certain board game known as Risk.)

Flaming Kiwifruit.

Living Up to the Name

2006-01-08T00:37:00.001-05:00

There's a reason they call them "Exhaustive Concordances." Try lugging one around for a while. Oh, well, it gets the job done.

Flaming Kiwifruit.

You Will Be Assimilated

2006-01-06T23:40:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, you just have to take matters into your own hands. Yes, freind there are times you must look in the mirror, and after admiring your good looks for a while, point at yourself and say, "It's up to you!"

I had one such moment. I have to do something. "About what," you say. World hunger? World Peace? Obnoxious TV personalities? No. None of the above. All are noble causes, which I would love to help with. Rather I am going to solve the problem of the dying forum.

You see, looking back on the glory days of the Djere forums, I remeber times when you would log on and there would be far too much activity for one to keep track. All of it led to mass amusement. Sort of an "I amuse you, you amuse me" deal. Now, I go on and get excited if there are 4 live threads. I revive threads. I start new ones. Everything dies.

So, I have decided what the forums need is an infusion of fresh blood. And, where will I get this blood? The blood bank! No, what I need is figuritive blood, and, sadly, there's a shortage of that at the blood bank.

No, that new blood is you! Yes, you. No, stop pointing at the person next to you. I'm talking to you.

Here's all you have to do.

1. Click Here

Wait, no! First, read the rest of the instructions.

2. Read. I can suggest some good points.
3. Sign up.

You don't even have to post, ever! There are plenty of people who have never posted. The key is you'll have the account in case you ever do want to post. Now, wouldn't you say that's worth it.

Flaming Kiwifruit.

Contractions: They're Dangerous

2006-01-06T00:17:00.002-05:00

Words are tricky. They are dangerous little things that just try to get you in trouble. For instance, I'm writing this script the other day and I want a character to say, "Who are you?" Well, logically, this would be the perfect place for a contraction. They are = They're. We are = We're. Who are = . . . Well, you see the problem. Okay, maybe you don't. Just finish the equation on your own. Then delete it before anybody walks by and sees it. Don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, you know.

And contractions aren't the only offenders. Take the word "assistant." A perfectly innocuous, innocent-looking word, if taken on its own. Then, you try to abbreviate it, and WHAM! You hit a wall. This is why you don't abbreviate while your driving. Current reports suggest that if the current "Abbreviation Driving" trend continues, there will still be no reports of such an accident, but you can never be to careful.

No, no, a more common problem when abbreviating "assistant" is the "three-letter problem." You see, the easiest way to abbreviate a word is to grab the first three letters. Colonel = Col. December = Dec. May = May. Ralph Nader, President in Exile = Ral. Assistant = . . . Again, you get the point. Again, if you don't do what I said before. Clearly this will not work as a viable option. Unless of course your assistant has displeased you and you wish to wreak vengeance upon him or her <----- (See Borghy, I'm not a sexist jerk. I'm learning!) in a subtle, yet not so subtle way. I wouldn't suggest this.

Also, gender relative terms can be troublesome. I'm not refering to aunt/uncle, mom/pop, Sonny/Cher, fishherder/fishherdress type words. Nope, this is about his and hers or him and her or he and she, well, you get the point. The man problem is that the English language has not gender nuetral pronoun. Well, there's it, but use of it in regards to a human being tend to be somewhat offensive to the target. Trust me, I know.

So, thanks to this oversight, by the crafters of the English language, poor innocent males, completely oblivious to the complexities of gender relations in our modern world, say phrases such as, "If you have an employee who won't work, you should discipline him." When the correct phrase should be, "If you have an employee who won't work, you should pummel him mercilessly with frozen peacocks."

No, no, that not right. I in no way condone violence with or against frozen poultry. The correct phrase would be, "If you have an employee who won't work, you should discipline him or her." The poor, unwitting men, who say such phrases, are then pummel with frozen peacocks, by all of the women, and more "sensitive" men in the room. (No there is not a story in this, and if there were I would not tell you about. It's just a coincidence that I get all jumpy when I walk through the poultry department when I walk through the grocery store.)

Well, as Mark said in the most recent script I wrote:

Look, I ain't wanna hurt ya' . . . Well, maybe I did, but I ain't gonna,
now. So, just come on out and I'll be all nice.

Actually, that has nothing to do with anything, but I just loved the line. Talk about grammar infractions. Somebody, get that guy a dictionary, for crying out loud! I'm tired. I had to write this twice because my finger slipped and I delete this whole post the first time. Good night, or morning, or whatever it is when you read this.

Flaming Kiwifruit

A Song Quote

2005-12-28T19:48:00.001-05:00

There are two great lies that i’ve heard/“The day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”/And that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican/And if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him. - Derek Webb, "A Kingdom and a King"

Okay, so I already knew that, but I hadn't heard it so eloqently put. Just some food for thought. And a good chance to quote a song line, which I already love to do.

Flaming Kiwifruit.

What a Cheesy Christmas

2005-12-27T01:25:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, cheesy can be good.

For instance, I decided to try something different as a dessert for Christmas this year. Naturally, my family was quite concerned when I pulled out tortilla wraps, cream cheese, white chocolate, and okra. I quickly explained that the okra was an integral part of the dessert. I then chuckled to myself as they went away horrified and proceeded to use the okra to make fried okra.

The other ingredients formed the most amazing dessert I have ever personally made. You see I wrapped the tortilla shells around a mixture of cream cheese, white chocolate, sugar, and vanilla extract and thane spread butter mixed with brown sugar and cinnamon across it. After baking the wraps, I drizzled some melted white chocolate across the tops, to enhance the visual asthetics of the dish.

They were good.

Also, on Christmas morning, my dad was quite suprised to open a box with, what else, but cheese. Not just any cheese, though, some of the best cheese the world has ever known. You see, he loves cheese, and I figured this wouldn't be an ordinary gift.

So, cheese was very important to my holiday. Seems somewhat fitting.

Flaming Kiwifruit.

Be Careful Whom You Fly With

2005-12-24T00:13:00.002-05:00

Just because you think someone you know may have liked a movie, doesn't mean you should rent the remake.

I did this a couple of days ago, with "Flight of the Pheonix." I regretted it quickly. For some reason watching a bunch of sweaty, guys in a desert swear at one another is not exactly my idea of good entertainment. Okay, so they weren't always swearing at one another. There were those breif moment of tired, cliched dialogue, and, my personal favorite, the random 'bonding moments' where the character suddenly forgot that they hated one another and became one big happy family.

One particular moment involved the men all blaring some rock music (good thing that guy thought to bring his I-Pod on the flight) and dancing around wildly. Never mind that they had made a big deal about not walking, because it would burn up too much energy and waste thier water supplies. Also, they seemed to have time to put together a nice little kitchen, complete with menus. No wonder they were having trouble finishing the plane on time.

And then there was the ridiculous scene where the nerdy guy who was the only one who could build the plane stormed off, because he got mad. He then made everyone say, "Please." before he would come back out. As if this wasn't bad enough, when the captain came in it went something like this.

Nerd: Who's the boss of everyone?
Pilot: You are.
Nerd: Okay.
Pilot: Please come out and finish the plane.

COME ON! What is this, middle school? But that aside it was just an all-around poorly written movie.

Finding Neverland, on the other hand, was a well-written, well-acted, piece, that completely put me to sleep. I've decided give the choice between a well-made boring film and a poorly made acton peice, I'll take boring.

Flaming Kiwifruit.

All Roads Lead to Where?

2005-12-21T00:16:00.002-05:00

You can't trust roads, anymore.

Yep, it's not like in the old days, when roads progressed in logical patterns. You know you'd see a road and say, "Yeah, that'll take me where I need to go." Then, it did. Well, those days are over.

See, I was trying to get to this sweet shopping plaza (by which I mean CITY) so I turned down this road. It took me over the crest of a hill where I could look heroically down on the center, which spread out before me triumphantly. I quickly realized that rather than bringing me to the valient City of Commercialism, this was bringing me around the back of the Target.

No problem, I thought. What goes around the back of Target surely loops around the front.

WRONG!

No, this road lead to a construction site which led to another road, which led to another road, which led to another road, which led to the City of Commercialism. So, why, you might ask, did I not turn around rather than brave the exhausting maze of tangled non-sensical roads? It's simple: I'm male.

You see what you have to understand about men, is we are never wrong. Even when we are wrong we have to find a way to prove we're not wrong. For example:

A man, whom we will not name, was driving around a lake. Said man, took a wrong turn, going the way which would be longer. A female freind of said man pointed out the mistake. So, I . . . I mean, this man, simply replied that he liked this way better.

You see, that man wasn't wrong. He just liked taking the longer way. Making him an idiot, but a correct idiot.

The moral of the story is it's better to be a correct idiot, than and incorrect genius.

Gee, that's not such a great moral. I need to work on that.

Flaming Kiwifruit

Christmas Will Never Be the Same

2005-12-18T22:51:00.001-05:00

Somethings don't work at the last moment.

For instance: I went back to my parent's church today. We just got back from Florida and haven't been around much in the last 3 or4 months. So, imagine my surprise when I find out that my sister and I are supposed to be Mary and Joseph in thier Christmas thing tonight. Aside from the general weirdness of the whole situation and the fact that as hard as we tried we could not get out of it, this wasn't a normal Christmas thing.

You see the whole program involved people getting up and singing with the Christmas story being read inbetween. In fact, Rachel and I were to do the opening song, thus requirking us to get in costume after it. Well, naturally you might think, "Why do you even need Mary and Joseph in this sort of thing?" We're still wondering that.

So, after the song, we hurried away to wrap sheets around ourselves in a biblical type manner. Granted I had no clue how to do this. So I stood around the back room off to the side of the sanctuary, where I found an answering machine. Being the curious, but not so sensible person I am I hit the play button, while Rachel was getting her outfit ready.

It was loud . . . I had no way to turn it off . . .

So, I did what any sensible person would. I flipped it upside down so the speaker would be muffled by the floor. What followed was a freindly electronic voice repeating, "Message deleted" over and over again. At this point Rachel pointed out that I was probably deleting all the messages left for the church. So I unplugged the thing. As far as I know it is still unplugged.

Then our cue came. Unfortunately Rachel had mixed-up the rope for our waists and I am considerably bigger than her. So, I couldn't breathe. In addition I almost tripped coming out, while Rachel tried desperately to hold back her amusement with the whole situation. After this we proceeded to do exactly what we were instructed to do.

We sat.

That was it. I dutifully watched the rest of the program while on the verge of passing out from the restrictive belt and trying unsuccessfully to cover my khakis with the sheet. On the plus side, the program actually only lasted an hour and there was food afterwards.

Also, Marion Hodges brought a hammered dulcimer which sounded stupendous. I even got to play a little afterwards, picking out the melody to "Dust in the Wind" on it. It was an interesting night.

Flaming Kiwifruit

Why I Still Insist That I'm From New York

2005-12-17T23:52:00.001-05:00

Things really can get worse in Alabama.

I just got back and so, naturally after eight hours of driving, what does a guy do? Go Christmas shopping!

Yes, it's strange, but Rachel really wanted to get started and I needed to get something for my aunt and grandmother who are heading out tomorrow.

The point is I saw the lowest of cheesy commercialized Alabama weirdness while shopping.

It was "Buck" the singing trophy deer head. Yes it's true, he sings 6 of your country favorites. I just wish I could remember them. I know "Freinds in Low Places" was one of the them. It also includes a wireless microphone so you can sing along. Loads of fun. Especially after you've finished of the last of the beer.

On the plus side, it was fun listening to the David Crowder Band's rendition of "Feliz Navidad" on the way back.

Also, I have just been informed that placing Marshmellow Treats in the reach of hungry dogs is a bad idea.

Oh, and apparently "Chocolate Moose Chocolate Milk" and Necco brand candy are essentially reprocessed toxic waste. I sure hope I can't be sued for this . . .

Flaming Kiwifruit.

Happy Thanksgiving . . . Again!

2005-11-26T23:24:00.001-05:00

There is something better than a big Thanksgiving dinner . . . Two big Thanksgiving dinners!!

See, I went to my sister and brother-in-laws for Thanksgiving. It was great, we did nothing but eat and play ping-pong all day. So, when we got home Friday, my dad decides he wants to have leftover turkey. So we had another Thanksgiving, and I got to cook this time. It was great. My garlic mashed potatoes went over well (all I did was spice and mix them, they were boiled when I got there), and my first attempt at homemade fried okra was amazing. I am now stuffed. It's been a good Thanksgiving break.

Flaming Kiwifruit

Yes, I Went Shopping

2005-11-21T22:45:00.001-05:00

A. Malls are EVIL. They are money eating monsters that only want to gnaw on your wallet until your cash all falls out the bottom and lands in thier hands.

B. Malls are GREAT. They have everything I need, which I could not even find looking all over Lakeland.

See, I went to the mall to get another box of contact, as my prescription was there. So, my Mom asks me to take her glasses with me to get the lenses replaced. This will take approximately an hour.

And how do you kill an hour in the mall?

I started by wandering over to Radio Shack. It was simple enough. I found a cheap 1/4" to 1/8" phone plug adapter. (This has nothing to do with actual phones, it's an audio thing.)

Then I wandered. While I was wandering, I thought to myself, "Gee, I bet I could find a charger for my cell phone here." So I scoured the map until I found a cell phone accessory kiosk and made my way there. I struck gold! Coincidently so did the guy running the kiosk.

Then I wandered. I got myself a drink and plopped down on a bench to wait it out. Then I was struck by the fact that I hadn't actually ever seen a fountain in our mall. It seemed strange to me that our mall wouldn't have a fountain, so I went off looking for one.

Instead, I found a shoe store. Now, being male I have a distinct distaste for shoe stores and under ordinary circumstance wouldn't ever go in one. However, these were not ordinary circumstances. You see I recently lost my favorite pair of sandals, my favorite pair of sandals being which ever sandals I am in posession of at the time. So I entered the store, and left with sandals.

At this point the sheer number of purchases I was making was quite ridiculous, however, it was everything I'd been unsuccessfully looking for the past month. So I returned to the eye place, retrieved the glasses, and left.

So that's why I hate malls. That's also why I love them. At least today. The rest of the time I just hate them. No offense to any malls that might be reading this. It's nothing personal. I just don't like you . . .

Flaming Kiwifruit

I Have Fans

2005-10-27T23:40:00.001-04:00

For starters, people actually read this. Thanks so much to Djere and Kate for reaffirming my faith in the human spirit and the fact that anyone can get readership on the internet.

Now to my fans. I have a fan base . . . I suppose. You know those fanatical followers who dress like you and go out in public parading around as you. No, not the stalker ones, the good ones. Okay, so maybe I don't actually have fans, but I did convince my friend and ex-roommate, Matt, to go to our schools masquarade as me. I didn't actually get to see him, but he called me to get a shirt (one of the plaid ones I where around campus everywhere). Sure enough I get back here and my brown and greenish-bluish-greyish shirt, the epitome of Phil style, is gone. I just hope he gets pictures.

POST-SCRIPT (2-29-08): I actually heard later that he had people coming up to him and asking him, "Are you supposed to be Phil?" Score!

I HATE MY EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-10-19T22:51:00.001-04:00

E-mail is a terrible, terrible thing.

Okay, so maybe I'm just annoyed that I've been busy with e-mail so much tonight. I had to email crew for my production, cast for it, radio people, audio people, people I don't even know! And people emailed me. It's driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I feel better. I am so glad no one reads this anymore.

Flaming Kiwifruit

Lucky Me

2005-08-12T23:48:00.001-04:00

Fortune favors the lucky.

It's true. I found this out while searching for S&S Pest Control today. After getting bizarre directions from BR, our office manager, which lead me to an abandoned house, I consulted my dad, the main salesman at our company. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey, where's S & S Pest Control?
David: Huh? Oh, I think is down on Enterprise Road or something.
Me: Really? Bobby Ray's crazy. He sent me to an abandoned house in Opelika

My dad, David, got a good laugh out of this, although couldn't believe it, really. This was yesterday.

Today, I set out again. I drove down to Enterprise Drive. Nothing. Then I went down Centerhill Road, a branch of Enterprise. Nothing. I was about to turn around and give up when I noticed that a construction site on the road had signs up informing everyone that thier site was protected by S & S. It also included a phone number to dial. So, I called and got directions.

It turns out it was just a ways further down the original road I found the abandoned house on. What's worse? It was less than a mile down the road from my house. I pass it on a regular basis, which explains why I could visualize the sign in my head the whole time. Go figure.

Flaming Kiwifruit.

AR-336: A Copier Odyssey, Pt 6

2005-08-08T22:47:00.001-04:00

Will it ever end? We'll see. In the meantime . . . THUD! There it was, a floor mat! It barreled under the car and came flying out the other side . . . Ooooh . . . how anticlimactic! I bet you were thinking it was something more dangerous than a floor mat! So . . . No sooner had the poor mat flown off down the interstate, than we entered the first monsoon of the trip.

The water pelted the car, the windshield wipers were trying their darndest to clear the windshield!It was a monsoon, no more, no less. And on the Silver backed monkey plume of death scale of monsoons, it was a 7 out of ten. Not too bad, but certainly not great. We slowed our pace, looking out for other vehicles which may be before us. It was long, torturous. Eventually, we saw clear skies ahead.

But . . .(Dramatic Music to hold you in suspense). . . . . . .It didn't last.

We spent two or three minutes under clear skies before we were hit by our second monsoon. This reached a 9 on the scale. We set the fourway flashers on and drove, or rather, crept down the road. It was even longer and more torurous. Most pulled off to wait out the storm. WE braved it! The little windshield wipers tried to help, but they could hardly put a dent in terrential downpours. So, we waited . . .

Soon we found clear skies once again. Daylight broke just as we reached Gainsville, our next parental checkpoint.

So I made the call:
Mom: Hi!
Me: Hey, we're in Gainsville.
Mom: Good. How's the triaffic?
Me: Not too bad!
Mom: Great! Well, Talk to you later. Drive carefully!
Me: We will. Bye.

So blissfully unaware. Ah, well. Ignorance is bliss. In case your wondering, I live in a state full of happy people. . . .

Hmm . . . such an anticlimactic place to stop, but my fiancee called, and, sadly for you, that takes precedent . . . at least you doin't have to wait in suspense untill we decide to post again.

The Chimp

AR-336: A Copier Odyssey, Pt. . . 5 . . . I think

2005-08-06T00:17:00.000-04:00

Wow, this has really spun out of control. Kind of like that copier. So, where was I?

Ah, yes, the siren. So I checked my rear view mirror and lo and behold, behind me was a fire truck. Being a good citizen, I pulled to the side of the road to let the truck pass. So did everyone else. And it passed.

Now, one would assume that once passed by a fire truck, there would be nothing more to worry about. You wouldn't expect to see the truck again until you reached a fire/accident/cat in tree. However, as soon as I reached 65 I began to notice I was gaining on the truck. So was everyone else. Now, I wasn't quite sure what rules applied to passing a fire truck with it's sirens on, considering one would assume that the truck would be going at least the speed limit. So, I stayed back. So did everyone else.

For lack of anything better to do, we began speculating on why the truck was going so slow and who would pass it first. It seem the beat up station wagon with the old scruffy looking guy would do it, to me, but Rachel saw it differently. She was hedging her bets on the nerdy looking guy in the SUV. I objected.

Rachel: I think it'll be the SUV.
Me: No, no, it's being driven by a nerdy looking middle aged guy.
Rachel: Dad.
Me: Good point.

My father is a nerdy looking middle aged guy, who drives fast. Understand, I don't say this in mockery (since he's one of the few people who reads this), but rather with the terrifying realization that I will one day be a nerdy looking middle-aged guy. I'm even starting to get the hairline.

Soon after this discussion, I saw a little sports car coming up behind me.

Me: I bet it'll be that hot rod behind me.
Rachel: You mean the ambulance.

This is when I noticed an ambulance had come up behind me with its lights on. It was still a ways off, but I quickly pulled over, being passed by several other vehicles while I waited. And I continued.

Not long after this we saw the ambulance racing through the other side of the highway. We continued until we came to the aforementioned fire truck, trying desperately to turn around in the emergency turnaround thing on the interstate. It looked confused as if it had missed its turn.

And I was glad that I hadn't been in an accident in this area. Somewhere between the apathy and confusion of the emergency response vehicle, it would have been bad. But all was well for approximately 2.4 seconds. That's when we heard it.

THUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED

Man, I don't even think the trip took this long . . .

(Inspiration)

2005-07-22T22:52:00.000-04:00

Inspiration can come from the most unlikely places. Two recent examples:

1. I've been working at a copier place, not the most exciting job on the planet, right? Then why did I get so inspired by it that I'm currently writing a sci-fi series pilot set at a copier place. Who knows?

2. More interesting is what I just did. I was playing guitar, except my hand was all oily and so the pick kept slipping out of it. I was annoyed with it, so finally I decided to have some fun with it and write a stupid song about it. It went something like this:

What have I got
But greasy hands and a pick prone to wander
And fling itself out of my hand and onto the floor
Which just happens to be the same color
As my pick

I played this along with various verse type things I've now forgotten. I played it so passionately that I actually began to enjoy it. I like the song. So, I turned it into this:

What have I got
But filthy hands and a heart prone to wander
And fling itself out of your hands and onto the floor
What have I got
But the promise of grace, forgiveness to hold
Mercy to stand, and a love that is stronger than me
A love that is stronger than me

I never would have expected that.

Flaming Kiwifruit

AR-336: A Copier Odyssey, Pt. 4

2005-07-08T23:59:00.000-04:00

It's a bad idea to leave people stranded in the middle of a story.

It's not my fault, really. It's not anybody's fault. You see, we've been going back and forth on the stories, my sis and I, but she was procrastinating on it and now, she's gone away to Huntsville. I may have to take her next installment. On the other hand she should only be gone a week. However, I feel I must not leave you hanging for to long lest you let go and fall to your doom, so, here it is:

So, there we were a raging copier of doom flying at us with eyes full of hatred for years of forced labor. What were we to do?

Well, it was quite obvious, we would take a coffee break . . . Just kidding, I'd already had enough coffee and Rachel doesn't even like the stuff. No, actually as I focused on making sure the van stopped before we were in the path of the truck, Rachel valiently stretched out here hand to stop the 300 or so pound copier. This was obviously a bad idea, but it didn't matter.

You see, this was when the sorter we were carrying valiantly dove straight into the path of the copier, stopping it cold. Okay so it didn't really dive, more like, just lay there. The force of the sorter and the fact that the van was at a complete stop was enough to end the copiers reign of terror.

Being that I was on an interstate on-ramp at the time of the incident, and being that I was to panicked to actually think, I did not check on the copier at this time, rather I got on the interstate. I stopped at the next exit and there found nothing. Yes, I am serious this was the most pointless exit in all of America. There was nary a gas station, hotel, restaurant, or even a prison, like the lovely exit we got off to use the restroom at in Orlando. (Yes, I forgot to tell that part. No, we didn't stop at the prison. I hate prisons, they give me the creeps.) A ways down the road we finally found a nice fledgling commercial/residential development (I couldn't tell which) to pull over in.

I stepped out of the car, like the way cool cowboy unmounting his trusty steed, except not as cool, and went to the back. It was sickening, the carnage. A tiny piece of plastic even broke off one of the paper trays. Horrendous. So, we worked to return the copier to it's rightful position and thanked the sorter for its valient efforts. The sorter was speechless. This is probably because sorters don't talk, but you never know.

I remounted my trusty steed, only to remember that my 'trusty steed' was a dorky minivan. Oh well. Then I remember something else . . . the bottom paper tray. So, rather than get 0ut of the van and go back around, I crawled through the perilous bowels of the dorkmobile to replace the tray and hopefully curb anymore 'incidents.'

And we returned to the road.

Not long had I been on the road when I saw flashing lights behind me. Egad! It's another cliff hanger . . . HAHAHAHAHAHA. That's just sick.

Flaming Kiwifruit

AR-336: A Copier Odyssey, Pt. 3.141592654

2005-06-25T14:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know what you're thinking, "I wonder what's for lunch?" . . . No, wait, that's what I'm thinking. You're more likely thinking, "What kind of idiot drives around with and unstrapped copier in the back of his van?" I thought long and hard before reaching my decision.

Copiers, I reasoned, are large and heavy. Things that are large and heavy do not move (e.g. my house, the Eiffel Tower, the Leaning Tower of Piza, the moon, my dogs, ect.) I suppose I should have considered that noone, as far as I know, has ever tried to move the Eiffel Tower in a minivan. I could be wrong about this.

So armed with one maniacal copier of DOOM, we haeded out on the long journey home. It was quiet for a while . . . too quiet. I could just hear the copiers gears turning in it's head, plotting evil. Okay, I really couldn't hear them or I would've know what was coming . . . In a violent display of violent type motion, the copier, quite literally, stuck it's tongue out at me (by tongue, I mean, paper tray.) This could only mean one thing. The paper tray had come out.

We quickly decided that this could not continue, so we decided that at the next stop, we would remove the tray from the copier. So, we stoped for lunch, where I got a tiny piece of bone stuck in my teeth. I got it out.

After leaving the 'reputable establishment,' by which I mean, nasty gas station with a fast food joint, I proceed to carry out our plan. I reached into the heart of the machine, with all the valour I could muster while still bloated from lunch, and ripped out the tray . . . okay, more like gently removed the tray. Then, for good measure, I took out the bottom paper tray as well. I laughed at the copier. The copier laughed louder, it would have it's revenge!!!!!!

And it did, before we had even gotten back on the interstate. I began to enter the onramp that would take me to the interstate, when I suddenly noticed a large tractor trailer with the right of way. So, like any sensible person, I braked. The copier saw it's opportunity. In a sudden violent blur it leaped forward, throwing its bulking mass at us with such hate and anger that it seemed no one would survive.

To Be Continued . . .

Flaming Kiwifruit

P.S. We survived.
P.S.S. I just ruined the suspence for you
P.S.S.S. I just wanted to see three 'S's at the end of the 'P'

AR-336: A Copier Odyssey Part 2

2005-06-22T21:25:00.000-04:00

And so, there I was. Standing among strangers in the distant land of 'Not Home Base' while Kiwi ran around trying desperately to figure out what was going on. Finally, he learned of his plans and he plopped himself down in the office chair and proceeded to explain to me, in detail, the various functions of each memo/note book, folder, piece or scrap of paper of every kind that was roaming that table they call a 'desk' . . .

Shane, the aforementioned delivery guy, finally returned from his 'delivery just down the road', carrying a newly purchased beverage, talking on a cell phone, and walking immensely too slow as if no one in the world was waiting on him to return with that hideous golden-brown van. And so, we departed . . . finally.

First Phone Call of the trip:

Time: App. 9:00 a.m. Central Standard Time

Mom: Where are you guys?
Me: Opelika.
Mom: Still!
Me: Yes . . . (grumble . . . grumble . . .)
Mom: Ok . . .

Most of the preceding trip to Orlando from this point on was a sleep deprived, caffiene-induced haze. Yes, sadly it is true, we were so sleep deprived and caffiene filled that if anything amusing did happen, we could scarcely remember it . . . or, really, not remember it at all. So we shall jump ahead . . . We arrived in Orlando. I proceed to go out with my fiancee, who's house we were staying at, for a nice dinner. Kiwi . . . well . . . he drove to Lakeland and had a nice dinner with his old roommate. Aside from this, nothing of note happened, except that Kiwi, loved by all little dogs, had a small dog strangely find him as he walked from the parking lot back to my fiancee's house. The dog followed him all the way to the door and would have followed him inside if allowed, but there was already a little dog in there who quickly came to see Phil, his good buddy. All little dogs love Phil. We don't know why, they just do. It's odd. But, back to our quest.

We had to go the next morning and help a fellow employee of Phil's, Scott, load two copiers before we could retrieve our own little AR-336. Naturally, we had only an adress, and we didn't know when we were to meet Scott. Phil tried many times to call Scott, but they were all failed attempts. Having recently heard how Scott gets his phone to work when it's broken, I think I might know why. But, that's another story entirely.

Any ways, we got up early and headed out. Finally, the call came. Scott was 45 minutes away. Despite what you're thinking, this didn't mean we had to sit in a parking lot and wait for 45 minutes; rather, we took what Phil might describe as a 'scenic tour' of Orlando. It didn't seem very scenic to me as we went up and down the same street the entire 45 minutes. We FINALLY found the place and pulled in directly BEHIND Scott. . .

They retrieved the copiers, I sat this one out, so if anything amusing happened, Phil will have to fill you in (no pun intended, belive me!).

So, jumping ahead to our own little copier. We arrived at the place where it supposedly was. What we found was a seemingly abandoned building with no signs of a business being, having been, or planning to be there. Of course, Phil also was never able to get a phone number for this place before we left, so he called back to the office ('Not Home Base') and retrieved a number which he used to call the business. It turns out, they had moved on Saturday, this being Thursday. So, we went to their new location. It seemed simple enough . . .

Secretary: It's all set. Just pull around back and you can pick it up.
Phil: Thanks.

So, we pulled around back where we found a myriad of large trucks amidst which our little golden-brown van was feeling very out of place. The back wall was lined with large openings through which trucks could recieve their respective copiers, these openings being approximately 5 or 6 feet off the ground and there being no ramp in sight. So we went inside and found the man who was to help us, in his office eating lunch. He gladly came out to help us and brought us to the copier, a shiny Sharp AR-336. It looked so deceptively innocent in the bright light of the early afternoon . . .

A conversation ensued which went something like this:

Man: Where's you're truck.
Phil: We don't have one.
Man: Oh?
Phil: We have a van.
Man: Oh. I guess you'll have to go back around front.

So I drove the van back out front, and shortly after, Phil and the man arrived with another guy and a ramp. Only, the copier was too big for the van, so they couldn't roll it up the ramp. They had to take it off it's stand and hoist the monster into the back of the van, after which another conversation ensued:

Man: How are you gonna strap it in?
Phil: I'm not.
Man: Oh.
Phil: It should be fine.

I think we can all see where this is going.

So, we set out on the long journey home . . .

TO BE CONTINUED

The Chimp

MacGyver Could've

2005-06-20T23:17:00.000-04:00

Ducttape can fix sandal. Ducttape and powerful industrial chemical are not 'friends' by any definition of the word. Except maybe mortal enemies, which I'm pretty sure is not a definition of friends. If it is, my friends and I need to have a talk, but I doubt it is.

Anyway, my old trusty sandals finally bit the dust the other night. So, what was I to do? Wear shoes! No, that wouldn't work at all. That'd be like asking penguin to dance a jig (note to self: try this sometime). So, I ducttaped them together. That is once I realized that neither scotch nor masking tape would work (scotch tape that is, not the alcoholic beverage).

It worked fine until I went to work. I was again cleaning covers with the chemical I like to complain about when it ate through, not only the ducttape, but the sandals and the surrounding floor as well. HA! Just kidding. The floor was fine. All it really did was allow the thingy that holds my foot in to escape from the ever weaking grasp of the dying tape. So, now I have new sandals. And David doesn't have to smell the old stinky things anymore . . . unless I leave them in his room next year . . . but rest assured I would never do such a dastardly thing unless I thought it would be funny.

Flaming Kiwifruit

AR-336: A Copier Oddessy, Pt. 1

2005-06-20T22:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the tiniest job can baloon into a tale of epic preportions. Observe:

It seemed like a simple task. I was to go to Tampa . . . or Orlando . . . or somewhere close by it such as Chicago or Tokyo . . . we really weren't sure where . . . to pick up a copier. I didn't 'sweat the small stuff' (where is the copier, what is a copier, how are we going to get there, ect.) as I was informed of the journey several weeks ahead of our scheduled departure date (June 16). So, I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally, June 15th rolled around. I went into work, just like any other day. As the day began spiraling to an end, I came to the sudden realization that, the 'small stuff' was still hanging above like an elevator held up by a piece of silly string. Except that silly string can't actually hold things up. So, I'm pretty much crushed . . . but I wasn't crushed, so it's just a bad analogy. But I degress.

So, brought it up with my boss. He seemed quite caught off guard by the question, not even daring to feign memory of the above referenced trip. He quickly told me in no uncertain terms that we were quite uncertain about the whole ordeal. This comforted me. No it didn't. I agreed to call him at 8 in the morning to find out what was going on, if Rachel was coming with me, if there was really such a place as 'Tampa' or 'Orlando.' So I waited.

And wait . . . no, I really didn't wait that long this time. A few hours after my arrival at 'Home Base' (codeword for home. it sounds more dramatic). I learned that Rachel and I were to report to the Auburn office ('Not Home Base') at 0800 hours to depart. So I did.

And did.

And did.

And I'm really overusing that dramatic device, aren't I?

I managed to get to the office right on time. This was a silly thing to do. I should've known no one would be there. Well, except my boss's wife, who assured me he was simply at breakfast and would be back in no time. Soon, the office manager showed up. I explained the situation and he spent app. 15 minutes running around the office frantically trying to confirm that he had no clue what was going on. He seemed well aware of this fact already, and kept pointing it out as he trudged on.

Shane, the delivery guy, came in and went on a delivery.

Finally the boss came back and gave me money for food and stuff, the addresses of the places I would be going to, and instructions, which involved me and the company van. Understand, I was mortified at the thought of driving this trip in the company van. It's not that the van is unsafe, rather . . . uncool. It's a golden-brown minivan. Golden-brown minivan must be the most uncool vehicles on the road (sorry, if you have, have had, will have, or are trying to sell one. the truth hurts). I mean, these things are the modern day equivalent of the white station wagon with the wooden paneling!

But, there was a bigger problem than my personal feelings about the van . . . It was gone!!!!!!

Okay, that seem dramatic enough to leave you guys hanging miserably until I forget to post the rest . . . so . . .

TO BE CONTINUED?

Flaming Kiwifruit

Narcissism

2005-06-14T22:29:00.000-04:00

I have a sister! Okay, so I knew that already, but you newcomers probably didn't. You probably thought I just signed all my posts because I'm a narcissist. I am a narcissist, but that is not why I signed all my post. It's because it keeps you, the innocent readers, from thinking my quality has declined suddenly. For example:

Average Reader: WHAT??!!! That is SO stupid! I can't believe the Kiwi wrote that!
Someone Else: That's not the Kiwi. That's the Chimp. See, it's in that ugly orange color.
Average Reader: Oh, I see. Phew, scared me for a second there.
Someone Else: I'm gonna go have a turkey sandwich now.

I like turkey sandwiches, but . . . wait . . . that's not what I was talking about. Yes, we must keep my greatness seperated from the 'common people' (read, lesser beings) (don't read that in parenthises if you're a lesser being/common person)(oh, never mind, it's too late now). So anyway, as I was saying, that's all folks!

Flaming Kiwifruit

P.S. I am SO cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want a PENCIL!!!

2005-06-14T21:50:00.000-04:00

If you want to do something simple, the world will turn against you.

I learned this lesson the hard way. I came to my computer desk to retrieve a couple of nicely sharpened pencils. My dad was seated at the computer, he suddenly mad eme stop my task to ask me to list my six favorite songs. Something about the pyramid method and he needed six volunteers, forced volunteers of course. So . . . I obliged him. Naturally, as I stood there with a handful of broken, non-sharp pencils, because that's all I found at the desk . . . Naturally, I could not remember a single song, let alone six, let alone six that I liked . . . so, after thinking, I compiled a list and headed off to my personal stash of pencils. Alas, they too were broken and dull.

Eventually I found the pencils I needed, but by that time, I couldn't remember why I needed them.

Ah, life!

The Chimp

Things I know Today . . .

2005-06-14T16:43:00.000-04:00

I have a blog! Oh, wait . . . I did know that yesterday. I could lie and say I forgot, or that I have been living in a weird spacial anomoly, or that my computer crashed, or even simply that I have been too busy. But, alas, the truth is . . . It's such a hassle to post. I have to log on, and then type, and then submit. Okay, maybe it's not such a hassle . . . I guess I really don't have an excuse. But, I am back now! Try to contain your shouts of joy.

After Kiwi Boy's uninspiring post, I had to come back. Besides, I'm the one who shoots for mediocracy! Aiming for perfection is so overdone!

Wow, months of not posting, amusing stories and occurances, and I decide to come back on a day when nothing amusing has happened. Sorry about that. More mediocrity. I think this is even less then mediocrity. Ah! It feels good to fall short of your goals! Especially when you've set them so low!

Well, now that I've made my not so triumphant return, perhaps I'll have something interesting to post tomorrow . . . That is if I post tomorrow . . .

The Chimp, returned from exile!!!

Self imposed exile though it be . . .

Mediocracy and Tedium

2005-06-08T23:02:00.000-04:00

It feels really, really, really good to finish a project that you been getting annoyed with. At least, until you get the next project that you get annoyed with. C'est la vie! (For those of you who don't speak French, 'Such is life.'

Anyway, I finally finished backing up all the files yesterday. Life was good. Then I had to go clean covers at the Opelika office. This is a job which has all the tedium of copying files, but with out the air conditioning . . . and with exposure to potentially dangerous chemicals. Granted, I don't quite know how they're dangerous, but it has been 'suggested' that I wear heavy rubber gloves while I do it. The funny thing is even with my annoyance with the task, I was in a very good mood today. Maybe it's because I know I have tomorrow off. Maybe it's because I've returned to the Djere.net forums. Maybe it's just because. Oh, well, life is good.

So, that wasn't quite as amusing as I hoped. I could rewrite it, but, like I always say, 'Why shoot for perfection, when you can settle for mediocracy?'

Wait. I don't really say that, do I? No, I suppose not. Maybe I was just hoping that a witty, pessimistic, off-beat, uninspirational saying could redeem this post. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should stop typing now. Except to sign this post.

Flaming Kiwifruit

The More Things Change . . .

2005-06-03T22:03:00.000-04:00

The more things change, the more they . . . well . . . change.

My sis and I took our nephew and neice to the 'Monkey' Park today. It's the local municipal park we used to play at when I was a kid. Just being there with bright-eyed, excited children brought back memories. I can remember happily running around there, full of energy, content to spend the rest of my life there. Well, except that one time I was there with my VBS class all day, and I didn't bring any extra drink. Alabama summers are killer. But, I degress . . .

The point is, those days are gone. As I watched the kids running around happily, I felt like a child again. Then, I tried running around happily. Soon, I had an epiphany . . . I need to work out more. After a half an hour, maybe an hour, I was beat. I don't even think Rachel lasted that long. You have to understand though, this was no walk in the park . . . sorry . . . These kids were INSANE! They wanted to run up every playground, tree, or 50-foot gorrilla in sight . . . Not that there were any 50-foot gorrillas, but if there were, they would have climed up them. So, finally, I came upon the idea of throwing myself upon the giant concrete turtle and playing dead. This failed, as my sandal kept falling off and concrete turtles aren't that comfortable.

So I had a better idea. What better way to end a fun, fun night than by all going to the convenience store and getting sugary things in much to large quantities. Tyler jumped on the idea. Holly did not. It also reminded me of being a kid. "Just a few more minutes . . . PLEASE!" The truth is most kids have figured out that with enough 'few more minutes' you can stretch out to eternity. What they don't realize is that parents/uncles/grandparents/Godfathers also figured this out to use on the responsible/quasiresponsible adults in thier lives. Needless to say it fail. She also tried the most unique stalling tactic I've seen. "I need to get my leaf!" Which was of course on the other side of the play ground. We returned home, at which point, myself, Rachel, and Ralph Nader collapsed from exhaustion. Okay, Ralph Nader wasn't really there, but I just like mentioning him in my posts and I haven't in a while. This has been long. Now, it is over.

Flaming Kiwifruit