One Spontaneous Sunday...

Thing #153: Spontaneity is fun.

Yesterday, Ian and I were both off from work (which doesn't happen often) so we decided to do something fun. Then we remembered we live in Opelika, AL. Not much to do here, so we went to explore the city and found ourselves in a rundown shopping plaza with a handful of odd stores including the Armchair Safari Pet Center. Well, we both love animals, so we headed in.

We got out of the car and were blasted by the sound of what we think was a bird that screamed across the parking lot, sounding a bit like someone experiencing a slow painful death. We hesitated, turned to face one another. Was this such a good idea after all? Too late to turn back; we slowly walked in, greeted by two massive parrots, a couple smaller birds, and rows of fish tanks, but not a person in sight. We stared down a large wooden tunnel like structure in the center of the room and up two steps. It was lined with fish tanks on either side and simply labeled "The Gazebo" by a pasteboard sign written in sharpie and taped to the entrance.

"You can go in." We turned to see who had spoken. It was an Arab man with a thick beard who had mysteriously appeared behind us, smiling curiously. We nodded politely and made our way through "The Gazebo" to the back of the store where we saw another such sign that read "Furry Animals". We walked back to find some gerbils, a couple of rats, and some white fluffy things that never moved and didn't look very alive. After this we decided it was time to leave. On the way out, we passed a nice looking couple with their young daughter standing frozen in the door with wide eyes. Obviously their experience was similar to ours.

But the spontaneity did not end there! Around midnight Ian decided to let me cut his hair. No, I have never cut hair before. Yes, I sent him to a real barber today to fix it.

The Chimp

End Tables Aweigh

Thing #152: End tables can float.

I learned this one the other day when I came upon and end table in the middle of my lane on a back road. Being a concerned citizen I put on my four-way flashers and hopped out of my car, into the pouring rain, to remove the safety hazard. Once I was out of the car, another car pulled up behind mine and proceeded to wait for me. Being, again, a concerned citizen, I quickly thrust the table to the side of the road in order to keep traffic moving (up here, two cars are traffic).

That's when I noticed the end table had lifted its anchors and was floating "merrily, merrily, merrily, gently down the stream." In this case said stream was actually more of a large storm drain bursting its banks. So, being, as we have established, a concerned citizen, I quickly ran to the back of my car, rescued the end table from the raging waters, and securely placed it on the side of the road where its owner could find it if he/she/it/they so desired. It was gone when I went by today. <------------(This is a rather abrupt ending.)

Kiwifruit

On the Road Again

Thing #151: Road Projects are not always meant to improve said road.

It's true. I always assumed that when a new construction project was taken up, the end goal was supposed to be better than where it started, but apparently that isn't so.

Example 1: Last year they demolished a decent, though not in great condition, road nearby. After finally repaving the road, it was actually in better shape, so I assumed they were finished. Wrong. They came back and cut a strange rectangular hole in the new road. Then, eventually, they filled the hole with pavement that doesn't quite line up with new paving around it, making it like a little misshapen speed bump tucked away in one lane. But still this wasn't the end. Over the next few weeks, they cut two similar holes and did an awful job filling them. You would think whatever needed to be done could have been when the road was demolished, it's not like they hurried to repave it.

Example 2: The beginning of January they went to the road connecting to the first one. (All these roads, by the way, make up my commute to work). This time they demolished the old road leaving a sad dirt path with chunks of old road and manhole covers sticking a few feet above the ground in places. About three weeks later they finally started the repaving process. It wasn't bad at this point, except they left about a two foot wide gap between the new paving and the old roads that intersect, and the pavement on the old roads sits about two feet higher.

A week or so after this phase, the man hole covers were miraculously back a couple of feet above the pavement. It went on this way for most of February. Until about a week ago that is. Now, right at the intersection where I turn on to this road, in the lane I need to turn in to, there is one of those mysterious rectangular holes, this time longer, wider, and deeper. So how is my tax money helping keep Alabama's roads up? It's not. I'm paying them to cut holes in my roads so I can drive through an obstacle course every day. Well, there are still two roads I drive on in my commute. I suppose they will decide to "improve" those next.

The Chimp

Writing, With Firm Resolve

Thing #150: The Declaration of Independance includes the phrase "manly firmness."

So was reading the Declaration of Independance today (how often do you get to say that?) which I thought I knew fairly well. It turns out there is a lot more to it than I thought. Beyond open explanations that I already knew (all the stuff about unalienable rights and the pursuit of happiness) the document actually includes a list of grievences against the King of Great Britain, including the following,

"He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.*"

Now, I would certainly not argue that the Founding Fathers were not manly or resolute, but it just wasn't the phrase I expected. I would have thought they would say something like 'opposing with great resolve' or 'opposing with resolute will.' At any rate, I'm sure the Founding Fathers knew what they were doing. Maybe manly firmness is more eloquent than I think. Or maybe they didn't want to be eloquent.

Happy Presidents Day

Kiwifruit


*-The Declaration of Independance

One Kiwi Show

Thing #149: Phil posts more on this blog than any of the other contributers.

Now I am sure your wondering how I know this. No, your probably thinking "That's obvious, I read the blog and I can count." Well, it probably should have been obvious to me, but I actually didn't come to this conclusion from counting his posts.

The truth is, I was scrolling through the blog, as I do every day wishing there was a new post to read, when I noticed the list on the side of labels used on each post. The labels were ordered according to how many posts carried that particular one. At the very top of the list was 'Katherine' with 17, and at a close second 'food' with 16. Yep, that just screams Phil.

Not a quality post, but it's something to be sure, and all your going to get out of me at 4:18 a.m.

At least next time I check the blog I'll see something new, even if I did post it.

Here's to post 150! May it be better than this one.

Goodnight.

The Chimp

The H()le Truth

Thing #148: Snow can be very deceptive.

As you may be aware, most of the United States has been coping with large amounts of snowfall, including Northern New York. You, however my not be aware that my church is nearing the end of a major building project which has spanned, depending on who you talk to, anywhere from five years to the past century. I think it is closer to the former.

So, in the interest of helping out and getting to play with neat tools, I have been going down to the church the last few Thursday nights and working on the church. Mostly I've been insulating heating ducts, which means working in a thin T-shirt when it's freezing outside and still sweating.

On a recent visit, I was headed back to my car when I noticed a van parked in the path most easily accessible. So I decide to cut across a snow covered area that looked something like the chart below.

^----------------------------------^

As you can see there were two mounds of snow with a long, flat path between them. At least that's what I saw. Removing the snow you would get the following chart.

|                                            |

|_________________________|

That's right. It was a big hole. Below the two charts are merged to give you an idea what was actually going on.

^----------------------------------^

  |_______________________|

I'm sure you have surmised what happened next

^--------             ---------------^

|______\____/____________|

Yep, that indentation is where I landed after jumping over the first mound. Talk about a rude awakening. I managed to claw my way out and go home, but there was a brief moment of panic. 

Moral: Looking before you leap is no help at all.

Kiwifruit

 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\

(===========) <------Viking Longboat :)

 ///////////

Birthdays

What we know is that birthdays are inevitable. We all have them.

What you might not know is that more times then not my birthday has fallen on a date where unnecessary travel in our county is not recommended. Often as a child plans for my birthday have fallen through.

This year, wiser as I am instead of planning events for my actual birthday we planned them for the day before. Although the weather was not spectacular we were still able to make the trip to Syracuse, watch a movie, consume copious amounts of cold stone creamery ice cream and hoffmann hotdogs, shop and have a great time.

The next day , as predicted, Phil and I were snowed in, unable to venture out to church or anywhere else until the evening. Luckily we had a cake mix in the cupboard and we were able to persevere. It was a good birthday :)

0 Grams Trans Fat*

Thing #146: Nutritional facts can be decieving, so remember to read the fine print.

So, tonight was my father's birthday. (Happy Birthday, by the way). Anyways, as is tradition he got to choose his birthday dinner, and as is tradition, he chose cheesburgers and tatertots. Same thing he chooses every year. So, I was waiting for the oil to heat up to deep fry the tatertots (It's important to point out here that I dumped half the bottle in the pot) and I started examining the bottle. Ian pointed out that it said "No trans fat".

Ian: Ah! See, no fat in it.
Me: No trans fat, there's a differnce, and as you well know, trans fat is a myth. It doesn't seem to be in anything.
Ian: Right, so how much reglular fat is in it?

Naturally, I turned the bottle around to check the nutritional facts which read: 14g fat. 14 grams, not bad, right? That's what I thought. Than I read the servings. Serving size: 1 tablespoon, servings per container: 252. Ok, so I used half the bottle, that's 176 servings or 2,464 grams of fat.

(Sorry dad, not intending to bash the health qualities of your meal... wait, you probably never thought cheeseburgers and tatertots were in any way healthy)

The moral of the story: Always read the serving size, and NEVER assume "no trans fat" means "healthy".

The Chimp

*Serving Size: 1 Paragraph
Servings per post: about 6
Total Fat: 1,487 g
Trans Fat: 0 g

Don't Drink (Tea) and Drive

Thing #145: Tea can be much stronger than I expected.

I love tea. This is a fairly recent development, but I've found that I enjoy a nice cold brewed tea. I've begun noting the various shades of flavor, the variety of taste in each different kind. So it was with great excitement that I perused the shelves at Target for some new kind of tea.

Now, as if my previous exultation of the greatness of tea wasn't enough, it gets worse. The tea I selected was something called 'Sleepytime Extra.' It seemed innocent enough, with a picture of a cute little bear, sleeping in an old-fashioned wood rocker. Then I got it home.

No, this isn't the part where the bear comes to life and attacks me. No, Katherine got to reading the tea. It has a warning and this wasn't some, 'Tea may be hot when brewed' kind of warning. Nope this was a serious warning involving the product not being intended for children and not operating heavy machinery. Yep. I slept great last night.

Kiwifruit

Rest in Pleats

Thing #144: Dead people wear clothes too.

And sometimes they need a new outfit.

I run across many strange things in retail sales. I've had more than a few bizzare and awkward conversations with my customers, but none beats the woman that came in the other day.

She was shopping for a nice, decorative, white button up blouse. Simple enough. I got the impression the shirt wasn't for her. It had to be very modest beacuse it was for an older woman. As we walked around the store and searched for one that would work I asked my typical probing questions about what the event was, what the person's tastes were, ect... I got an atypical answer. The conversation went something like this:

Customer: Well, you're probably going to think this is a little morbid.
Me: Ok...
Customer: It's for my 86 year old mother... who's dead.
Me: Oh...

What do you say to that? Turn's out they had a suit for her to wear for the funeral, but needed a shirt to go underneath, so I spent the next 20 minutes or so helping the woman pick out an appropriately dressy and decent blouse which her deceased mother would approve of. So the moral of the story is... actually, if there is a moral in their somewhere I'm not sure what it is. I just hope that someday when I die some nice retail associate will see that I am nicely dressed for my funeral.

The Chimp

A Slight Correction Or Two

Thing #143: There were a couple of errors in my last post.

As is tradition, and possibly law, in the 'news' business, I will now make corrections in the same section where the error was originally printed. This is not because I am under the impression that this blog is 'news,' but rather because this blog only has one section.

Error 1: I made a slight mathematical error, something that has become somewhat commonplace around my house. I stated that we had 55 posts last year, when, in fact, as astute observer and sometime contributor, Inebriated Chimpanzee pointed out, we had 56 posts.

Error 2: I incorrectly identified the author of "A PBS Companion" as Frank Stewart, but upon picking back up to read the chapter on Julia Child (awesome!) I realized his real name is David Stewart. I was a tad confused here.

Error 3: Writing a post to correct these errors instead of editing them in the original post an hoping no one noticed.

There you have it. Now I can sleep tonight.

Kiwifruit

Frankly, It's Been a Good Year

Thing #142: Today is Frank Wiseman's birthday.

Frank Wiseman made a series of groundbreaking documentaries for public television. I just thought it was interesting that I began a chapter on him in Frank Stewarts, "The PBS Companion" practically on his birthday.

Also, on an administrative note, 2008 was a banner year. After a slow (read, non-existent) 2007, we roared back, adding two new contributors and reached a record 55 posts on the year. Next year, we break 60. Or not. Whatever.

Kiwifruit

No Post For Christmas

Thing #141: Just because it is Christmas, it doesn't mean you have a sudden surge of inspiration.

For lack of said inspiration I will simply say:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Now I have to go find baby Jesus so I can put him in our manger.

And seriously, have a good Christmas.

Kiwifruit

Hats Off to the Dust Speck

Thing #140: The Cat in the Hat lives on a speck of dust.

So, Katherine and I have been taking care of a young child this week, and as a consequence have been revisiting some of our cherished childhood films. It really explains alot. In the course of this, we'll call it 'research,' I've discovered the above fact. The following paragraphs will lay out my case, in detail.

We'll start with The Grinch. This is of course the beloved Dr. Suess character who, in 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas,' attempted to stop the Whos in aptly-named Whoville from having Christmas by commiting a number of felonies, including theft, breaking and entering, and the unthinkable treenapping. Upon returning to Whoville with an enlarged heart (which he is never treated for), The Grinch returns the gifts, trees, and various other Christmas items (with the exception of one "Very Gaither Christmas" CD, fortunately lost off the top of the mountain.) He is subsequently given a place of great honor carving the roast beast.

Fast forward to the near future when Whoville has grown from a small villiage to a thriving metropolis complete with skyscrapers, a clock tower, and several Starbucks. This is the setting for the follow-up film, 'Horton Hears a Who.' It is in this film that it is established that Whoville is actually located on a speck of dust. Thus, in order to interact with the Whos, the Grinch must also reside on said speck of dust. To complete this theory I will turn to the final film of note, 'The Grinch Grinches the Cat in the Hat,' in which the Grinch, presumably before his heart enlargement, does or attempts to do, a variety of unkind things to the aforemention Cat in the Hat. Thus, the Cat in the Hat must live on the same speck of dust as the Grinch and the Whos. Which begs the question, "Why did we never see any meaningful interaction between the Cat and the Whos?" I smell a conspiracy.

Kiwifruit

P.S. My apologies to anyone who actually spent time reading this.

I Know You're Reading This

Thing #139: Somebody checks this blog on Tuesday.

I know this because I have a tracker set up to send me emails. Everytime I get it it looks something like this

|     _

|

|

|  _    _ _ _ _ _

|_________________

As you might assume, I did not put much work into this recreation. Also, you might assume that the dash way up in the air represents Tuesday. It does. So, to whomever checks us out Tuesday, however many people you might be, more power to you.

Also, to whomever is not checking us out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, I say, "Why not?!"

I'll give Friday a break. Really, who's lame enough to check a blog post on Friday . . . Oh, wait, that'd be me.

Kiwifruit

A Blank Stair

Thing #138: Taking the stairs may be better for your health, but it can sure be tricky.

I have a confession to make . . . I've been trying to be healthier. Hard to believe, coming from the guy who once bragged about eating a sandwich made from an entire loaf of French bread, but it's true. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables, going to the gym, and, yes, taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

I found this can have disadvantages though. Truth be told, taking the stairs is a leap into the unknown. To make my case I invoke the following three examples.

The first came in a medical building. I merrily pressed my way up the stairs to the third floor, only to find myself in the middle of some sort of surgical unit. I think it may have be a recovery area or something, but I honestly didn't stay long enough to find out (the man with the industrial toolbox sticks out in such a place). I got directions from a nearby nurse to where the elevator would have come out and headed that direction.

Then, last week, I went to the eighth floor of an eight story building. I decided to take the stairs down. They stopped on the sixth floor, so I decided to go back to the eighth floor and use the elevator there. This would've been a great plan had the door back onto the eighth floor not been locked from the inside. About that time, I noticed the entire stairwell was under construction as was the seventh floor. So, I waited on the eighth floor until someone walked by and banged on the door as hard as I could. Then, I took the elevator.

But this is nothing compared to today. Today I was in a second floor office when I noticed a door at the back with a white piece of paper taped to it. It read "Do Not Use. No Stairs." I decided not to try this one. From now on I think I'll just take the elevator and do jumping jacks the whole way up. That sounds much safer.

Kiwifruit

So It Begins...

Thing #137: The holidays are a time for family, fun, food, and home renovations.

Every year as the holiday season draws near there are so many wonderful things I look forward to: spending time with friends and family, Christmas shopping, delicious holiday meals. There is, however, one thing I don't look quite as forward to: the home renovations.

You see, my parents have this crazy idea that the hectic holiday season is the best time to tackle huge projects, such as redoing a bathroom. I came home from work today eager for leftover turkey and stuffing from this mornings church meal, which I sadly had to miss, followed by some early Christmas shopping. I walked in the door, dropped my coat on the coat rack. Five minutes later my parents came through the door from Lowes with an armload of supplies. The new tile is going up, the sink may even work after this round of renovations!

I suppose in some small way it wouldn't really feel like the Holidays without the piles of ripped out shelving on the porch, the new tile stacked in the dining room, and the sound of construction echoing down the hall. Its just one more of those family traditions we've developed over the years. So the holiday season has officially begun, and there will be much more of friends and family, food and presents, tile and grout, and all that other great holiday stuff in the coming month. Here's wishing you all a great Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas!

The Chimp

Stop and Smell the Tea Leaves

Thing #136: Closed caption is not a reliable news source.

Sitting in Arby's today eating lunch, I found myself watching the news. As usual, the volume was extremely low and the other lunch goers quite loud, so I had to rely on the closed caption. The anchor was talking about the auto crisis and the possibility of a bailout. He said something about the American people being disgruntled by this, followed by, and I quote directly from the closed caption, "But, if you read the tea leaves and count the noses you will see that..."

Hmmm... I hadn't thought about that. I just counted four noses (two human, one cat, one dog) and the tea leaves didn't appear to be written in English, and still I am no closer to understanding the Detroit auto crisis.This is why I never watch the news and avoid all things political. Way too confusing.

The Chimp

Little Bo.... Jenkins?

Thing #135: I am a geek.

Ok, so some of you knew this already, but I didn't realize it. Perhaps I knew I had some, shall we say nerd like tendencies, but I had no idea how deep it went.

The new expansion for world of warcraft came out on Nov. 12. Ian and I had been eagerly awaiting the game's release for months, but as the date grew near we began to fear not being able to find a copy so we did what anyone with nerd like tendencies would, we preordered it. Ian stopped at our local gamestop and payed the man in full for two copies of the wrath of the lich king.

Ok, so we preordered a game, no big deal. It gets worse. On Nov. 12 we stood in line with all off the other geeks at said gamestop so that we could recieve our copies the very moment they went on sale, 12:01 a.m. Nov. 13.

The more I sit here the more I realize I have always been a nerd. I remember dragging my brother to walmart at midnight the day the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring went on sale on DVD. I didn't preorder it though. And in neither instance did I dress up in a silly costume! Instead Ian and I stood in line with everyone else talking excitedly about the new game and our characters, and of course, what we would have dressed up as if we had worn costumes!*

The Chimp

*A mage with a polymorphed sheep.

The Dip Guy

Thing #134: I am the dip master.

This is a strange sentance, so let me clarify. I made a lovely guacamole dip for our bible study tonight. As we all munched on it, I got talking to Jim, our small group leader, about all the great dips I make with our mini-blender. As the list went on, I began to realize I have a bit of an obsession, or rather another obsession to add the list, right between politics and coming up with ideas for television series. Yes, I love dip. In fact Jim dubbed me the 'dip guy' and suggested we start a business with me making dips and him making something involving wontons which I could neither spell, nor pronounce. Personally, I hope the new moniker doesn't stick.

Kiwifruit (AKA, the Dip Guy)