One Kiwi Show

Thing #149: Phil posts more on this blog than any of the other contributers.

Now I am sure your wondering how I know this. No, your probably thinking "That's obvious, I read the blog and I can count." Well, it probably should have been obvious to me, but I actually didn't come to this conclusion from counting his posts.

The truth is, I was scrolling through the blog, as I do every day wishing there was a new post to read, when I noticed the list on the side of labels used on each post. The labels were ordered according to how many posts carried that particular one. At the very top of the list was 'Katherine' with 17, and at a close second 'food' with 16. Yep, that just screams Phil.

Not a quality post, but it's something to be sure, and all your going to get out of me at 4:18 a.m.

At least next time I check the blog I'll see something new, even if I did post it.

Here's to post 150! May it be better than this one.

Goodnight.

The Chimp

Don't Drink (Tea) and Drive

Thing #145: Tea can be much stronger than I expected.

I love tea. This is a fairly recent development, but I've found that I enjoy a nice cold brewed tea. I've begun noting the various shades of flavor, the variety of taste in each different kind. So it was with great excitement that I perused the shelves at Target for some new kind of tea.

Now, as if my previous exultation of the greatness of tea wasn't enough, it gets worse. The tea I selected was something called 'Sleepytime Extra.' It seemed innocent enough, with a picture of a cute little bear, sleeping in an old-fashioned wood rocker. Then I got it home.

No, this isn't the part where the bear comes to life and attacks me. No, Katherine got to reading the tea. It has a warning and this wasn't some, 'Tea may be hot when brewed' kind of warning. Nope this was a serious warning involving the product not being intended for children and not operating heavy machinery. Yep. I slept great last night.

Kiwifruit

Wired

Thing #129: I am a complete nerd.

Don't get me wrong, I already knew that I was a nerd, but a complete nerd? It turns out, this is true. It all started with a trip to the mall. Now, normally I don't like malls, but this time I knew there would be dinner involved, specifically one of those Chinese places where you get 3 meats and a side for $5.50. So I went.

When Katherine and I first arrived, we headed to the food court, past a music/movie store with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Barack Obama and John McCain prominently displayed in the window. So I did what any normal American would do. I had my wife take a picture of me in front of them and sent it to everyone in my family. This does not make me a complete nerd. It just means I happen to enjoy having my picture taken with cardboard cutouts/statues/action figures of famous people. (So far I also have Mahatma Ghandi and Ryan Seacrest. I never thought I'd mention them in the same sentence.)

Then we went to Best Buy and my wife and I convinced each other to buy a wireless router. This is where the nerd came out. Katherine dropped me off at home and went grocery shopping. I spent the better part of the next hour setting up the router, playing with the settings, and sharing our printer. Then we both took our places at our respective computers. Katherine went online and checked out various web pages. I, on the other hand, began pulling up shared folders, pinging her computer, attempting to hack her computer, and generally bothering her with all the cool stuff I could do on our new network. She was underwhelmed. Oh well, I'm going to go find some more thing to do on our network.

Kiwifruit

And the Gold Goes to Canada

Thing #121: NBC stinks.

This is a bit harsh, but not, I think unwarrented. You see I love the Olympics. Not that I would ever, ever . . . ever (no this is NOT to much emphasis) be able to actually compete in the Olympics. I once wanted to be an Olympic rowing, but then realized that never actually having rown or even been in a boat I should find a more realistic dream. I ended up with watching the Olympics, which is much more realistic.

NBC is 'covering' the Olympics, so I came home from work and turned on NBC. Then, my wife tells me that it's not on again until eight (3 hours away). I wait the whole time. Then turned said channel back on. It was men's syncronized swimming. Yes, there is such a thing. No, I did not want to watch it. I have since landed on the local Canadian station which is covering . . . rowing! I love Canada.

Kiwifruit

And Then There Were Three . . .

Thing #114: The key to consistancy is getting other people to do stuff for you.

That's why we added at least one (1) new writer and possibly two (2). Now, let me just assuage any concerns you might have about our blog lower its standards. We don't have any. You know that. But, seriously, we have made sure that our new additions to the Things I Know family have all the qualities that make this blog great: a fascination with life, a random sense of humor, relation to the current writer by marriage and the inability to post on a regular basis.

Actually part of the idea is that if there are three (3) or four (4) of us posting here the liklihood of going long period without posting (i.e. 2007) go down at least a little. We'll see how that goes. At any rate, we welcome Sweet Talker, who just happens to my wife.

Kiwifruit

Man Vs. Balloon

Thing #113: Balloons are really wild, untamed beasts, bent on our destructions.

So, here it is, the previously foretold balloon post. About a week or two ago my wife and I were shopping for a new, used, cheap car. This, because she is looking at getting a new job that's not around the corner from the house. We had found a car she liked and thought nothing could get in our way. We were wrong.

We walked over to the car (which was on the opposite side of the lot from where the lady there sent us) and began checking it out. Of course, being a car lot it was filled with brightly colored balloons, streamers, and various other attention grabbing devices. I wondered which car was having a birthday but decided not to asked. This is when things turned nasty.

As I approached the car I noticed an innocent looking bright red balloon, which was tied to the car's antenna. I noticed it, because it was lunging straight at me. Naturally I thought this might be a good time to use my karate skills, but it's been many years since I took karate, so I just stood there dumbfounded while the balloon pummelled me several times before retreating back to its corner. I actually think I saw another balloon pouring water over its head and massaging its shoulders.

I know what you're thinking, "Man, this guys crazy. That balloon was probably just randomly blown by the wind." (If you weren't thinking this, go back and read that again while thinking it, so I can be right.) That's what I thought too, then it hit my wife. She pushed her way through and, before following her I looked the balloon squarely in the eyes, or rather where the eyes would have been, if it had had eyes and told it to back off. And then, it came at me. Wham!!! Needless to say I retreated as far away from the balloon as possible and stayed out of its range for the rest of the day. Next time, I'm carrying a safety pin with me.

Kiwifruit

Surely, It Stinketh

Thing #111: Maintaining the refrigerator is an important, yet trying task.

My wife left me in charge of defrosting the freezer and cleaning out the old leftovers in our refrigerator. The trouble is, our freezer door is broken in such a way that it doesn't close properly and has been known to leap out at unsuspecting victims (a.k.a. my wife) who then ask me to get food out of it so as to avoid another attack. I'm good at catching it. The problem with having a door like this (other than a good scare from it flying at your face) is that frost quickly builds up on edge of the freezer until it starts to look like what I see out my window from around December to March or April, snow covered hills.

It was a valiant effort. I didn't realize you could sweat while working in a freezer, but apparently you can, or at least, I can. After blow drying, chipping, and pounding my way through this, I moved on to the simple task of emptying out leftovers (and by simple, I mean gross). We're actually pretty good about getting rid of left-overs in a timely fashion, but this is the time when the ones that got lost in the back turn up.

As I prepared to open the first container, I was reminded of a Bible story. Yes, you heard that right. If you remember, when Jesus is about to raise Lazarus from the dead, Martha protest. She points out that he's been dead four days and surely it stinketh (in the KJV). Some part of me was similarly saying, "It's been in there X number of days! Surely it stinketh!" I persevered, doing my best not to breathe through my nose. Now, I just have to make certain everything got back in the fridge. Maybe later I'll tell you about my new theory on balloons.

Kiwifruit

The State of Birthdays

Thing #110: It is not socially acceptable to draw a picture of the State of New York on the envelope of someone's birthday card.

This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.

Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.

We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.

Kiwifruit

The Sandals Weren't Made For Walking

Thing #108: Sandals and parades are not a good combination.

I was in a parade today. I know what your thinking, "Don't you have to be famous to be in a parade?" To which I would reply, "But I am famous." Just kidding. No, it turns out they just let anybody walk in parades these days. Case in point, I was in a parade today.

Now, logic and, coincidently, my wife would dictate that ratty, old flip-flops are not wise attire for a parade. Somehow, that little fact escaped me, even though my wife, as previously alluded to, pointed it out. You have to give me credit though, I did figure it out about halfway to the parade, when my feet started to hurt. That's right, I did say halfway to the parade, not halfway through it. We walked there. We barely made it. As we approached the pre-assigned meeting point, the parade started passing us.

We manage to catch up with the group from my wife's daycare, just as they were embarking. Then we walked. More. And I handed out strange paper hats to young children and couple of elderly people. It was good. My feet would disagree.

Kiwifruit


Is it just me, or do my posts tend to end rather abruptly?

Words, Part 2

Thing #103: Phrases are just as dangerous as words.

This afternoon, I was relaxing and playing guitar waiting for house guests to arrive for dinner, when my wife yells for me to come kill a bug. Being a man, I rushed in and slapped the offending insect with my hand. After Katherine left the room I noticed the bug was still moving, dying a slow painful death, so I began looking for something to kill it with. At this point, Katherine yelled from the kitchen to ask me if I would do some dishes. I, of course, wanted to kill the insect first and replied with, "First I want to finish this bug off." Completely innocent. This is when Katherine asked me what I said and I realized that responding to a request from your wife with a sentence that ends with "Bug off" is probably not the best idea. She had heard any of what I said, and so I shared this with her. She got a good laugh out of it. I'm going to turn off the computer now, before it is struck by lightning.

Kiwifruit

Never Perfect Radio

Thing #96: National Public Radio is a liar.

It's true. Yesterday our local station reported that we would be getting eight to sixteen inches of snow this weekend. I despaired. I went back to the office at the end of the day and told Dan what I'd heard. He didn't believe me. He was smart. It turns out we will be getting no snow this weekend. I'm glad for that. Still, I'll feel pretty dumb when I go back to work Monday. Dang NPR.

Kiwifruit.

Taxes: "Just Say Hold"

Thing #95: There is something worse than being on hold . . . being on hold with the IRS.

It's true, I had to call the IRS recently. And when you have to call the IRS, you HAVE to call the IRS. So I called. Then I spent the next 20 minutes on hold listening to what Katherine suspected was "The Nutcracker Suite." I could not verify this. My favorite part though, what the pleasant, generic sounding voice which would chime in every so often and remind me that all associates were busy with other customers. Customers?! Seriously?

Don't get me wrong, I understand this is probably just a generic message, but it just seems a bit wrong. Having the IRS refer to me as their "customer" seemed akin to having the guy who just mugged me thank me for my business. Weird.

At this point I should say that I fear the tone of my posts have been getting more and more negative. Several months of winter will do that. So here's some positive stuff.

I'm going to see my family in Alabama at the end of next week. Woohoo! Also, my in-laws are letting us house sit for them this weekend. They have good cable. Woohoo! I also still love racquetball and am getting better at it. My favorite moment from last nights game was when Rob had me analyze what I did wrong when I missed. The second one, I swung at, or so I thought, but was nowhere near it. My analysis for what I did wrong? "I didn't hit the ball." Duh. At least it got a laugh. I love laughing. I'm going to go laugh with my wife now. Funny movie. Steve Carrell. Enjoy life. Say no to drugs (unless your doctor prescribes them.) This post is quickly devolving into chaos. I'm ending it now.

Kiwifruit

Whilst Playing Racquetball . . .

Thing #93: I have good hand-eye coordination.

At least that's what Rob said . . . while beating me 15-3 at racquetball. It was a good time though. In between games he taught me some tips regarding where to stand, correct postures, and how not to slam into walls at high velocity. Also, I learned that concrete walls are hard. Really hard. So is the floor. After diving for the ball at one point, Rob congratulated me on getting the hit. I responded that I was too late and he agreed, but was apparently impressed with my willingness to sacrifice my body for the point. My body was not so impressed, as it has reminded me several times since.

After Rob left, I went to the exercise bike to wait for Katherine, who was grocery shopping. There's nothing like reading about the hotly contested Democratic race, whilst pedaling at an average speed of 17 MPH. There's a good reason there's nothing like this. Also, I like using the word, "whilst."

Afterwards, Katherine picked me up, and asked what we had talked about. The rest of the conversation went something like this.

Katherine: So what did you guys talk about.
Me: Racquetball. You know, proper stances, ect.
Katherine: Oh. You didn't talk about life and stuff?
Me (giving it thought): No, just racquetball.
Katherine: But, what about when you were volleying.
Me: We just volleyed. That's all.

Truth is, it's hard to discuss life and love and what-not in an echo chamber. Not that I'm against trying. It's just not what guys do I guess. Not like a hard and fast rule, just not really something we would think of. That's all for now. I'm lucky I haven't fallen asleep on the keyboard.

Kiwifruit.

Now, All I Need Is Some Milk

Thing #92: The best way to get instant name recognition in a group, is to bring cookies.

Katherine and I went a photo shoot today . . . As models. I have to admit it was a strange thing to get used to, responding when people said things like, "Models over there," or "You're one of the models, right?" A friend of our, Mabyn, who does photography in Syracuse was involved in a shoot with a bunch of photographers and we volunteered to help. In exchange we got two free meals and, eventually, a CD of pictures from the shoot.

Katherine thought it would be nice to bring cookies, which I volunteered to make. Thus, while we were all finishing a lunch of bowling alley pizza, it was announced that Phil had brought cookies. The rest of the day every so often someone would come up to me and say, "Hey, your Phil, right?" I would, for the most part, respond in the affirmative, which would be followed with some comment about the "good cookies." And they were good cookies. I'm so glad Katherine talked me out of making the oatmeal raisin.

At any rate, it was a good day, long, but good. Can't wait to see the pictures.

Kiwifruit

File Under Procrastination

Thing #89: I can give my blog labels.

I guess I'm a bit of an organizational freak. I just love the though of all 89 and counting blog posts being neatly sorted by subject, ect. I promised myself I'd be off by 7:20. I haven't made it. Now, if only I could organize my real files this well.

Kiwifruit

P.S. Katherine, I am also getting the list of things you left me done. (Insert innocent smile here.)

Just Aim For the Wall

Thing #86: Racquetball is a great sport.

I have to admit, I've never known much about racquetball. Most I knew that it was play with a ball, a racket, and rich people. Then my wife discovered they have racquetball courts at our local YMCA, where we're members. Turns out, she has some history with the sport, so we tried it. I love it.

There are several reasons I love this sport. For starters, hitting the wall is a GOOD thing. If you hit the wall in any other sport it's a bad thing. Think basketball, baseball, stock car racing, bowling, darts . . . the list goes on. Now, hitting a tiny goal, or a series of pins, these are problematic for me. I can sure as heck hit a wall . . . most of the time anyway.

In addition to the great size of the target, you get a reward when you hit it. THWACK!!!!!! Yes, the sound of the ball smacking the wall is my great reward. Just for fun, I like to see how many walls/ceilings/floors I can hit it off . . . or I'm just too lazy to go after the ball.

Finally, practically the entire room is an echo chamber. This certainly made the instruction phase more interesting. By the time Katherine was on the fifth word, I could still here the first four. This is my excuse for having no idea how the game is played, other than hitting the wall with the ball. Maybe I'll look into that later. For now, I'll just aim for a wall . . . any wall.

This Changes Things

Life is very unexpected. And I do mean very unexpected. In a good way.

In case anyone doesn't know I've recently entered a relationship with a beautiful, vibrant young woman (Oprahesque, I know). This was unexepected enough in itself. More unexpected is that this particular young woman, Katherine Widrick, lives in Upstate NY. I currently attend college in Florida.

And it gets crazier. You see, I've never met Katherine in person. She was friends with my cousin and we met through his message boards. Tomorrow is her birthday, and so I thought I would post and let everyone know that I'm in love with this girl.

Makes me understand this song better.

All things considered
We're both, certifiably insane
And I don't miss my mind

I don't miss the driving
And I'm always driving in my mind
And wearing out the road that gets me there

I may never find the sleep
I've lost all feeling in my hands and
Feet may touch the ground but
My mind's somewhere north of here

Happy Birthday Katherine!

Chicken Heads and Other Items

Severed chicken heads can be cute. Just trust me on that one.

I'm back at college, which means writing reports. Which means I don't like typing anymore. That's not true.

Anyway, since I've been here I've written a report, cleaned up on the "Weather" category on Jeopardy, implemented my "5-Color Diet," and done a lot of other things that I can't remember because of the cold/cold medicine.

And, just for the record, this Monday . . . VENGANCE WILL BE MINE!!!!! AND DAVID'S!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! (Let's just say, it involves a certain board game known as Risk.)

Flaming Kiwifruit.