One Kiwi Show

Thing #149: Phil posts more on this blog than any of the other contributers.

Now I am sure your wondering how I know this. No, your probably thinking "That's obvious, I read the blog and I can count." Well, it probably should have been obvious to me, but I actually didn't come to this conclusion from counting his posts.

The truth is, I was scrolling through the blog, as I do every day wishing there was a new post to read, when I noticed the list on the side of labels used on each post. The labels were ordered according to how many posts carried that particular one. At the very top of the list was 'Katherine' with 17, and at a close second 'food' with 16. Yep, that just screams Phil.

Not a quality post, but it's something to be sure, and all your going to get out of me at 4:18 a.m.

At least next time I check the blog I'll see something new, even if I did post it.

Here's to post 150! May it be better than this one.

Goodnight.

The Chimp

0 Grams Trans Fat*

Thing #146: Nutritional facts can be decieving, so remember to read the fine print.

So, tonight was my father's birthday. (Happy Birthday, by the way). Anyways, as is tradition he got to choose his birthday dinner, and as is tradition, he chose cheesburgers and tatertots. Same thing he chooses every year. So, I was waiting for the oil to heat up to deep fry the tatertots (It's important to point out here that I dumped half the bottle in the pot) and I started examining the bottle. Ian pointed out that it said "No trans fat".

Ian: Ah! See, no fat in it.
Me: No trans fat, there's a differnce, and as you well know, trans fat is a myth. It doesn't seem to be in anything.
Ian: Right, so how much reglular fat is in it?

Naturally, I turned the bottle around to check the nutritional facts which read: 14g fat. 14 grams, not bad, right? That's what I thought. Than I read the servings. Serving size: 1 tablespoon, servings per container: 252. Ok, so I used half the bottle, that's 176 servings or 2,464 grams of fat.

(Sorry dad, not intending to bash the health qualities of your meal... wait, you probably never thought cheeseburgers and tatertots were in any way healthy)

The moral of the story: Always read the serving size, and NEVER assume "no trans fat" means "healthy".

The Chimp

*Serving Size: 1 Paragraph
Servings per post: about 6
Total Fat: 1,487 g
Trans Fat: 0 g

Don't Drink (Tea) and Drive

Thing #145: Tea can be much stronger than I expected.

I love tea. This is a fairly recent development, but I've found that I enjoy a nice cold brewed tea. I've begun noting the various shades of flavor, the variety of taste in each different kind. So it was with great excitement that I perused the shelves at Target for some new kind of tea.

Now, as if my previous exultation of the greatness of tea wasn't enough, it gets worse. The tea I selected was something called 'Sleepytime Extra.' It seemed innocent enough, with a picture of a cute little bear, sleeping in an old-fashioned wood rocker. Then I got it home.

No, this isn't the part where the bear comes to life and attacks me. No, Katherine got to reading the tea. It has a warning and this wasn't some, 'Tea may be hot when brewed' kind of warning. Nope this was a serious warning involving the product not being intended for children and not operating heavy machinery. Yep. I slept great last night.

Kiwifruit

So It Begins...

Thing #137: The holidays are a time for family, fun, food, and home renovations.

Every year as the holiday season draws near there are so many wonderful things I look forward to: spending time with friends and family, Christmas shopping, delicious holiday meals. There is, however, one thing I don't look quite as forward to: the home renovations.

You see, my parents have this crazy idea that the hectic holiday season is the best time to tackle huge projects, such as redoing a bathroom. I came home from work today eager for leftover turkey and stuffing from this mornings church meal, which I sadly had to miss, followed by some early Christmas shopping. I walked in the door, dropped my coat on the coat rack. Five minutes later my parents came through the door from Lowes with an armload of supplies. The new tile is going up, the sink may even work after this round of renovations!

I suppose in some small way it wouldn't really feel like the Holidays without the piles of ripped out shelving on the porch, the new tile stacked in the dining room, and the sound of construction echoing down the hall. Its just one more of those family traditions we've developed over the years. So the holiday season has officially begun, and there will be much more of friends and family, food and presents, tile and grout, and all that other great holiday stuff in the coming month. Here's wishing you all a great Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas!

The Chimp

The Dip Guy

Thing #134: I am the dip master.

This is a strange sentance, so let me clarify. I made a lovely guacamole dip for our bible study tonight. As we all munched on it, I got talking to Jim, our small group leader, about all the great dips I make with our mini-blender. As the list went on, I began to realize I have a bit of an obsession, or rather another obsession to add the list, right between politics and coming up with ideas for television series. Yes, I love dip. In fact Jim dubbed me the 'dip guy' and suggested we start a business with me making dips and him making something involving wontons which I could neither spell, nor pronounce. Personally, I hope the new moniker doesn't stick.

Kiwifruit (AKA, the Dip Guy)

Wired

Thing #129: I am a complete nerd.

Don't get me wrong, I already knew that I was a nerd, but a complete nerd? It turns out, this is true. It all started with a trip to the mall. Now, normally I don't like malls, but this time I knew there would be dinner involved, specifically one of those Chinese places where you get 3 meats and a side for $5.50. So I went.

When Katherine and I first arrived, we headed to the food court, past a music/movie store with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Barack Obama and John McCain prominently displayed in the window. So I did what any normal American would do. I had my wife take a picture of me in front of them and sent it to everyone in my family. This does not make me a complete nerd. It just means I happen to enjoy having my picture taken with cardboard cutouts/statues/action figures of famous people. (So far I also have Mahatma Ghandi and Ryan Seacrest. I never thought I'd mention them in the same sentence.)

Then we went to Best Buy and my wife and I convinced each other to buy a wireless router. This is where the nerd came out. Katherine dropped me off at home and went grocery shopping. I spent the better part of the next hour setting up the router, playing with the settings, and sharing our printer. Then we both took our places at our respective computers. Katherine went online and checked out various web pages. I, on the other hand, began pulling up shared folders, pinging her computer, attempting to hack her computer, and generally bothering her with all the cool stuff I could do on our new network. She was underwhelmed. Oh well, I'm going to go find some more thing to do on our network.

Kiwifruit

Poolside Epiphanies

Thing #125: Never leave a pastor alone with a bowl of potatoe salad.

Sunday was bright and sunny, a good day to have our monthly church fellowship dinner at a house with a pool. We swam, we fellowshipped, we had fun. Then came time to eat.

Whoever said pot luck dinners were horrible... well, you're right, they typically are, but not this one! We had steak, baked potatoes, potatoe and pasta salads, bread, and enough sweets to decay every tooth in America!

There was one problem, I barely got any potatoe salad, definately one of the highlights of the dinner, and many people didn't get any at all. After we ate, a few of us stood around discussing the situation and it went something like this:

Me: "It was delicious. I barely got any!"
Mom: "Your father almost didn't! And the pastor's wife didn't get any except what she scraped off the serving spoon."

This is the point where the pastor walked up.

Pastor: "That's all right. Tell her I ate enough for both of us!"
Church member: "I didn't get any either."
Pastor: "Well I had plenty!"

The moral of the story: Don't leave your potatoe salad unguarded with a pastor around. It may not be there when you get back. Other things I learned at the pool include:

-If you give water guns to people in a pool, they will shoot them at the dry people not in the pool.

-Don't try to toss people in. They may land on the cement around the pool instead. (Don't worry, he was ok, just a slightly banged up knee.)

-If you help the small child out of the pool every time they scream "OUT!" they will continue to scream it every time.

-Small children's floation devices are not suitable for 200+ pound men. (Yes, this was my father.)

All joking aside, It was a blast, and next time, mom will just have to make a larger bowl of potatoe salad!

The Chimp

Surely, It Stinketh

Thing #111: Maintaining the refrigerator is an important, yet trying task.

My wife left me in charge of defrosting the freezer and cleaning out the old leftovers in our refrigerator. The trouble is, our freezer door is broken in such a way that it doesn't close properly and has been known to leap out at unsuspecting victims (a.k.a. my wife) who then ask me to get food out of it so as to avoid another attack. I'm good at catching it. The problem with having a door like this (other than a good scare from it flying at your face) is that frost quickly builds up on edge of the freezer until it starts to look like what I see out my window from around December to March or April, snow covered hills.

It was a valiant effort. I didn't realize you could sweat while working in a freezer, but apparently you can, or at least, I can. After blow drying, chipping, and pounding my way through this, I moved on to the simple task of emptying out leftovers (and by simple, I mean gross). We're actually pretty good about getting rid of left-overs in a timely fashion, but this is the time when the ones that got lost in the back turn up.

As I prepared to open the first container, I was reminded of a Bible story. Yes, you heard that right. If you remember, when Jesus is about to raise Lazarus from the dead, Martha protest. She points out that he's been dead four days and surely it stinketh (in the KJV). Some part of me was similarly saying, "It's been in there X number of days! Surely it stinketh!" I persevered, doing my best not to breathe through my nose. Now, I just have to make certain everything got back in the fridge. Maybe later I'll tell you about my new theory on balloons.

Kiwifruit

The State of Birthdays

Thing #110: It is not socially acceptable to draw a picture of the State of New York on the envelope of someone's birthday card.

This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.

Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.

We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.

Kiwifruit

The Universe, Peanuts, and the End of the World

Thing #107: The universe was brought to us in part by Planter's peanuts.

Strange but true. Apparently God had a little help from the peanut people, or so thinks the history channel. I was sitting on the couch watching a show about planets, black holes, and the likes, aptly named "The Universe" when all of the sudden as the commercials began I was notified of this fact. I wonder which part they were responsible for?

Either way, I must go now and quickly prepare for certain doom. As the show neared in end, they announced, and I quote, "Cosmic Apocalypse, coming up next."

As a side note, I also now know my blog has a spell check, which dad pointed out after trying to help me figure out to spell apocalypse. So I now I know it's spelled correctly.

The Chimp

Laughing Like A Danish

Thing #99: Every letter in Matt is the first on it's respective number on a standard cell phone.

I just programmed my friend Matt's new number in my phone. I thought this was cool. In case you haven't notice I could have major surgery (which I haven't) and you would never know from reading this blog, but this make it on here. Personally I think these insights are much more interesting. So do the 0 people who read my blog regularly. You can't argue with statistics.

Also, you should know that I was going to blog on here about what a good sense of humor the Danes have, and how the world would be so much better if we were all like them. That would've been silly. In case you were wondering Matt isn't Danish. He might like danishes, but then again, who doesn't? Think about that for while. Then go have a danish.

Kiwifruit















P.S. I accidently leaned on the enter button and didn't want all the enters to go to waste. Excited about post 100? Oh well, at least I am.

Now, All I Need Is Some Milk

Thing #92: The best way to get instant name recognition in a group, is to bring cookies.

Katherine and I went a photo shoot today . . . As models. I have to admit it was a strange thing to get used to, responding when people said things like, "Models over there," or "You're one of the models, right?" A friend of our, Mabyn, who does photography in Syracuse was involved in a shoot with a bunch of photographers and we volunteered to help. In exchange we got two free meals and, eventually, a CD of pictures from the shoot.

Katherine thought it would be nice to bring cookies, which I volunteered to make. Thus, while we were all finishing a lunch of bowling alley pizza, it was announced that Phil had brought cookies. The rest of the day every so often someone would come up to me and say, "Hey, your Phil, right?" I would, for the most part, respond in the affirmative, which would be followed with some comment about the "good cookies." And they were good cookies. I'm so glad Katherine talked me out of making the oatmeal raisin.

At any rate, it was a good day, long, but good. Can't wait to see the pictures.

Kiwifruit

Directions, Por Favor

Thing #91: You can effectively Google directions from Barcelona, Spain to Oslo, Norway.

You cannot however get to Beijing, China. Darned Communist era information bans. It all started simply enough. I looked at some streets, got directions to and from pertinent places. Then, I just got curious. Also, I ate dinner on a cardboard box tonight. It was good.

Kiwifruit

Chicken Heads and Other Items

Severed chicken heads can be cute. Just trust me on that one.

I'm back at college, which means writing reports. Which means I don't like typing anymore. That's not true.

Anyway, since I've been here I've written a report, cleaned up on the "Weather" category on Jeopardy, implemented my "5-Color Diet," and done a lot of other things that I can't remember because of the cold/cold medicine.

And, just for the record, this Monday . . . VENGANCE WILL BE MINE!!!!! AND DAVID'S!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! (Let's just say, it involves a certain board game known as Risk.)

Flaming Kiwifruit.

What a Cheesy Christmas

Sometimes, cheesy can be good.

For instance, I decided to try something different as a dessert for Christmas this year. Naturally, my family was quite concerned when I pulled out tortilla wraps, cream cheese, white chocolate, and okra. I quickly explained that the okra was an integral part of the dessert. I then chuckled to myself as they went away horrified and proceeded to use the okra to make fried okra.

The other ingredients formed the most amazing dessert I have ever personally made. You see I wrapped the tortilla shells around a mixture of cream cheese, white chocolate, sugar, and vanilla extract and thane spread butter mixed with brown sugar and cinnamon across it. After baking the wraps, I drizzled some melted white chocolate across the tops, to enhance the visual asthetics of the dish.

They were good.

Also, on Christmas morning, my dad was quite suprised to open a box with, what else, but cheese. Not just any cheese, though, some of the best cheese the world has ever known. You see, he loves cheese, and I figured this wouldn't be an ordinary gift.

So, cheese was very important to my holiday. Seems somewhat fitting.

Flaming Kiwifruit.

Why I Still Insist That I'm From New York

Things really can get worse in Alabama.

I just got back and so, naturally after eight hours of driving, what does a guy do? Go Christmas shopping!

Yes, it's strange, but Rachel really wanted to get started and I needed to get something for my aunt and grandmother who are heading out tomorrow.

The point is I saw the lowest of cheesy commercialized Alabama weirdness while shopping.

It was "Buck" the singing trophy deer head. Yes it's true, he sings 6 of your country favorites. I just wish I could remember them. I know "Freinds in Low Places" was one of the them. It also includes a wireless microphone so you can sing along. Loads of fun. Especially after you've finished of the last of the beer.

On the plus side, it was fun listening to the David Crowder Band's rendition of "Feliz Navidad" on the way back.

Also, I have just been informed that placing Marshmellow Treats in the reach of hungry dogs is a bad idea.

Oh, and apparently "Chocolate Moose Chocolate Milk" and Necco brand candy are essentially reprocessed toxic waste. I sure hope I can't be sued for this . . .

Flaming Kiwifruit.

Happy Thanksgiving . . . Again!

There is something better than a big Thanksgiving dinner . . . Two big Thanksgiving dinners!!

See, I went to my sister and brother-in-laws for Thanksgiving. It was great, we did nothing but eat and play ping-pong all day. So, when we got home Friday, my dad decides he wants to have leftover turkey. So we had another Thanksgiving, and I got to cook this time. It was great. My garlic mashed potatoes went over well (all I did was spice and mix them, they were boiled when I got there), and my first attempt at homemade fried okra was amazing. I am now stuffed. It's been a good Thanksgiving break.

Flaming Kiwifruit