Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Not the Max I Wanted to Know About

Thing #118: My company uses crude advertising tactics!

The Chef was greatly distressed today. He was working in his place in the print department which was toward the rear of the retail establishment where the Chef works (it shall herein remain unnamed).
He was merely minding his own buisness, when a customer walked past him and inquired where the location of the bathroom was, he pointed toward it and she looked up and said, where it says "Taking Your"?

He looked and also saw the phrase displayed prominently above the hallway to the bathroom, "Yes," he said, "that's it."

She walked past him toward the bathroom, and the Chef continued about his buisness. A few moments later however, he found himself over by the hallway entrance shaking his head as he stared at the rest of the phrase in utter bewilderment.

"Buisness to the Max" It boasted in bold lettering. "Taking Your buisness to the Max" sitting right above the hallway to the bathrooms...

Mork, Mork, Mork

Sweet Home Alabama . . .

Thing #117: The south is insidious.

I thought after more than a decade in Alabama, my family and I were relatively unscathed by the influence of the South. Sure the occasional 'ya'll' might escape our lips, but my dad still drinks unsweet tea, my mom talks like a Yankee, and I REFUSE to eat any part of a pig (except bacon) let alone EVERY part of a pig!

Sad but true, the south has finally reached us. I went outside tonight to find my dad and nephew shooting his newly acquired bb gun at empty playdo cans on the back deck. My husband and I came out and joined in the festivities. I'll point out when we came out, neither of my aforementioned relatives had been successful. My husband hit one of the containers on his first try, and I on my second.

Somewhere in the midst of all the fun, my nephew, dressed in his Alabama Crimson Tide shirt and matching baseball cap, said "Yep, this is what we do for fun here in Alabama." That's when it hit me . . . We are turning into rednecks. The next thing you know I'll be eating grits and saying fixin' and reckon . . .

The only way it could have been more southern is if they were beer cans, but being my nephew is underage and none of us drink, playdo cans were the next best thing.

The Chimp

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Balloon Wars, Continued...

Thing #116: Balloons are naturally given to escaping.


As my colleague Kiwifruit mentioned earlier, balloons can sometimes be difficult things to deal with, however, what those difficulties pertain to can be be entirely opposing factors, for instance... Kiwi mentioned the malicious and destructive nature which some balloons possess, taking every opportunity to lash out at the world around them, on the flip side however, I would like to say a word about the elusive nature of balloons

To illustrate this I will use a few true childhood stories...

It was a Sunny Sunday afternoon, a group of children stood at the far end of a lobby inside of a church, at the other end a group of kid's camp counselors had just finished blowing up balloons and one of them stepped to the forefront, calling out that the kids may "proceed in orderly fashion over to where the counselors were and that they could each take one balloon of their choosing".

One boy (a.k.a. The Swedish Chef) was especially fond of balloons and was standing toward the front of the crowd, as soon as the "come over here and grab a balloon as fast as you possibly can" order was given the entire group of happy children surged on mass toward the balloons The Chef was younger than most and so was trampled underfoot by the throng, by the time he recovered his senses and stood back up on his feet all the balloons had been accounted for and the poor young Chef was out of luck.

Another time that same young man actually got a balloon and took it all the way home, once home he happily jumped out of his car and accidently tripped and fell, in dismay he watched his balloon drift down to the ground and touch the very tip of a single blade of grass... POW!

As if this isn't enough to illustrate the point...

Just recently the Chef was shopping at a prominent retail establishment on a certain holiday which embraces love, and romance, and all those wonderful mushy concepts... he was shopping for his wife and selected a large balloon in the shape of a big red heart which said "I Love You" simple, and accurate thought the Chef. He seized the balloon by the string and happily walked up to the awaiting cashier, still oblivious as to the transitory nature of his esteemed prize.

The cashier, snatched the balloon, yanked it forcefully downward, scanned it, and let it go... It flew up, it's string drawing tight, it's string not holding, it's string falling down the the ground as the actual balloon floated all the way to the very, very high ceiling...

The cashier didn't notice at first and after she did she and another lady began suggesting that the chef take a large ugly frog balloon which was holding a heart as a replacement... The Chef was very sad.

Fortuantely the Chef went shopping with his wife in that same retail establishment shortly after that and he pointed out to her the balloon he had meant to get... She seemed to enjoy it, even from far away...


Mork, Mork, Mork

Monday, June 23, 2008

We Can Finally Afford That Toothbrush You Wanted So Much

Thing #115: Nothing stimulates the economy like good dental hygeine.

So we finally got our much lauded "Stimulus Check." So what did we do with our hundreds of dollars in free* money. We bought new toothbrushes! YEAH!

The Kiwifruit

*-To be paid for by future generations at a later date.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

And Then There Were Three . . .

Thing #114: The key to consistancy is getting other people to do stuff for you.

That's why we added at least one (1) new writer and possibly two (2). Now, let me just assuage any concerns you might have about our blog lower its standards. We don't have any. You know that. But, seriously, we have made sure that our new additions to the Things I Know family have all the qualities that make this blog great: a fascination with life, a random sense of humor, relation to the current writer by marriage and the inability to post on a regular basis.

Actually part of the idea is that if there are three (3) or four (4) of us posting here the liklihood of going long period without posting (i.e. 2007) go down at least a little. We'll see how that goes. At any rate, we welcome Sweet Talker, who just happens to my wife.

Kiwifruit

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Man Vs. Balloon

Thing #113: Balloons are really wild, untamed beasts, bent on our destructions.

So, here it is, the previously foretold balloon post. About a week or two ago my wife and I were shopping for a new, used, cheap car. This, because she is looking at getting a new job that's not around the corner from the house. We had found a car she liked and thought nothing could get in our way. We were wrong.

We walked over to the car (which was on the opposite side of the lot from where the lady there sent us) and began checking it out. Of course, being a car lot it was filled with brightly colored balloons, streamers, and various other attention grabbing devices. I wondered which car was having a birthday but decided not to asked. This is when things turned nasty.

As I approached the car I noticed an innocent looking bright red balloon, which was tied to the car's antenna. I noticed it, because it was lunging straight at me. Naturally I thought this might be a good time to use my karate skills, but it's been many years since I took karate, so I just stood there dumbfounded while the balloon pummelled me several times before retreating back to its corner. I actually think I saw another balloon pouring water over its head and massaging its shoulders.

I know what you're thinking, "Man, this guys crazy. That balloon was probably just randomly blown by the wind." (If you weren't thinking this, go back and read that again while thinking it, so I can be right.) That's what I thought too, then it hit my wife. She pushed her way through and, before following her I looked the balloon squarely in the eyes, or rather where the eyes would have been, if it had had eyes and told it to back off. And then, it came at me. Wham!!! Needless to say I retreated as far away from the balloon as possible and stayed out of its range for the rest of the day. Next time, I'm carrying a safety pin with me.

Kiwifruit

Sunday, June 01, 2008

One Tree at a Time . . .

Thing #112: There is more than one way to cut down on waste and save the environment.

I know this, because my mom has come up with a new way of reducing the waste we throw away each day.

You see, my family has a long history of being pack rats . . . sad but true. I myself have unfortunately fallen prey to this nasty little habit, but I am not so deeply entrenched in the need to save things as is my mother.

It all started a few days ago when I found a CD sitting on the CD rack by the computer. I pulled it out, and there, in said mother's handwriting, were the words 'Bad disc'. I had a good laugh about why it was labeled and not thrown away, showed it to the rest of the family, and then stuck it back in the CD rack . . .

But this was only the beginning! The next morning I woke up and was milling around the house. There had been a pot of oil on the stove in which my not entirely healthy husband had some oil to fry chicken, french fries, dog treats, and whatever else he could find to deep fry.

So . . I'm milling when my mom walks by and says, "Don't use the oil in the white pot, there is a fly in it!"

I am at this point thinking, "Oh, so she is warning me because it's still on the stove and she just hasn't gotten around to throwing it out yet."

I made my way to the kitchen to wrangle up some breakfast, and there on the counter I saw the pot of oil with something strange over it. I walked closer to find a piece of paper lying across the pot that said "Do not use, there is a fly in it!"





Yeah . . . what more can you say?






The moral of the story? We could all do our part to cut down on waste by keeping it in place and labeling it as trash instead of actually throwing it away.

The Chimp

Monday, May 26, 2008

Surely, It Stinketh

Thing #111: Maintaining the refrigerator is an important, yet trying task.

My wife left me in charge of defrosting the freezer and cleaning out the old leftovers in our refrigerator. The trouble is, our freezer door is broken in such a way that it doesn't close properly and has been known to leap out at unsuspecting victims (a.k.a. my wife) who then ask me to get food out of it so as to avoid another attack. I'm good at catching it. The problem with having a door like this (other than a good scare from it flying at your face) is that frost quickly builds up on edge of the freezer until it starts to look like what I see out my window from around December to March or April, snow covered hills.

It was a valiant effort. I didn't realize you could sweat while working in a freezer, but apparently you can, or at least, I can. After blow drying, chipping, and pounding my way through this, I moved on to the simple task of emptying out leftovers (and by simple, I mean gross). We're actually pretty good about getting rid of left-overs in a timely fashion, but this is the time when the ones that got lost in the back turn up.

As I prepared to open the first container, I was reminded of a Bible story. Yes, you heard that right. If you remember, when Jesus is about to raise Lazarus from the dead, Martha protest. She points out that he's been dead four days and surely it stinketh (in the KJV). Some part of me was similarly saying, "It's been in there X number of days! Surely it stinketh!" I persevered, doing my best not to breathe through my nose. Now, I just have to make certain everything got back in the fridge. Maybe later I'll tell you about my new theory on balloons.

Kiwifruit

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The State of Birthdays

Thing #110: It is not socially acceptable to draw a picture of the State of New York on the envelope of someone's birthday card.

This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.

Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.

We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.

Kiwifruit

Monday, May 19, 2008

Happy Birthday Kiwi!

Thing# 109: My brother is a quarter of a century old!

I did not know this yesterday because it was not true yesterday. In honor of this special day, I have decided to collaborate with his parents and former roommate to compile a list of 25 things you may not know about Phil:

1. Phil is single handedly responsible for the death of countless pots, pans, and small appliances, including all those lost in the great 'Pecan Pie Massacre' and, I hear, a $10 mixer.

2. Phil can occupy every inch of space in front of a sink and counter while simultaneously being slower than humanly possible at getting ready.

3. Phil is a lover of nature. He once backed his car into a tree, got out, checked the tree with complete lack of concern for his car's well being, and drove to work.

4. Phil runs red lights and stops at green lights. Several long stories involved, but he has done both.

5. He can climb a telephone pole with his toenails. This is how he earned the nickname 'Bellsouth'. If you've seen his toenails, you understand.

6. His favorite colors are green and khaki.

7. He has a passion for cooking, especially grilling meat.

8. Little dogs love him and feel a compulsion to follow him for as long as possible after he walks by.

9. He once ran into a parked car.

10. He once set our front lawn on fire burning ant hills with gasoline. In his defense, he had help with this one.

11. He will wear a pair of sandals until they fall apart . . . then he will duct tape and super glue the pieces together and wear them until his wife finds out and throws them away.

12. He will take anything if it is free and buy anything if it says 'new' on the package.

13. He is an accomplished singer and songwriter, as well as guitar player.

14. He's unbeatable in the game Encore.

15. Everyone knows him. Growing up I was always "Phil's sister" and everywhere we went, somehow, at least a handful of people knew Phil.

16. He loves to take things apart and find out how they work, and unlike his dad, he can usually put them back together so they still work.

17. He's never had much fashion sense: The star shirt, the sailboat shirt, the sweat pants with the hole from his knee to his ankle . . .

18. He is blindingly white, but then, that is sort of a family trait.

19. When he was four years old he lined up all the kids in the playground and made them sit down and listen while he preached to them.

20. He typically has bad luck with birthdays, hopefully this year was different!

21. He's a pool hustler.

22. There is no counting the number of times he has locked his keys in his car . . . while it was running.

23. His snore is said to be something like a gas generator, a guerilla battle cry, and a dying moose . . . run through an amplifier.

24. He has his mother's sense of direction. He once got lost in the bath tub, and spent hours wheeling a copier around a building looking for the exit.

25. Everyone loves Phil. The first time I met my future in-laws, we brought Phil. When we left my roommate said, "I think they liked you . . . but they LOVED Phil!" I guess he's just a loveable guy!

Happy Birthday Phil! We love you!

Phil's Sister

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The Sandals Weren't Made For Walking

Thing #108: Sandals and parades are not a good combination.

I was in a parade today. I know what your thinking, "Don't you have to be famous to be in a parade?" To which I would reply, "But I am famous." Just kidding. No, it turns out they just let anybody walk in parades these days. Case in point, I was in a parade today.

Now, logic and, coincidently, my wife would dictate that ratty, old flip-flops are not wise attire for a parade. Somehow, that little fact escaped me, even though my wife, as previously alluded to, pointed it out. You have to give me credit though, I did figure it out about halfway to the parade, when my feet started to hurt. That's right, I did say halfway to the parade, not halfway through it. We walked there. We barely made it. As we approached the pre-assigned meeting point, the parade started passing us.

We manage to catch up with the group from my wife's daycare, just as they were embarking. Then we walked. More. And I handed out strange paper hats to young children and couple of elderly people. It was good. My feet would disagree.

Kiwifruit


Is it just me, or do my posts tend to end rather abruptly?

The Universe, Peanuts, and the End of the World

Thing #107: The universe was brought to us in part by Planter's peanuts.

Strange but true. Apparently God had a little help from the peanut people, or so thinks the history channel. I was sitting on the couch watching a show about planets, black holes, and the likes, aptly named "The Universe" when all of the sudden as the commercials began I was notified of this fact. I wonder which part they were responsible for?

Either way, I must go now and quickly prepare for certain doom. As the show neared in end, they announced, and I quote, "Cosmic Apocalypse, coming up next."

As a side note, I also now know my blog has a spell check, which dad pointed out after trying to help me figure out to spell apocalypse. So I now I know it's spelled correctly.

The Chimp

Friday, May 16, 2008

A Papal Mess

Thing #106: There are endless possibilities for misusing the word "papal."

I started thinking about this recently when the Pope visited the United States. During the intense (okay, so intense and papal visit don't quite go together) news coverage the term Papal mass kept coming up. Of course, as everyone knows, this comes from the terms, mass, meaning a Catholic service, and papal, a term which encompasses all thing pope. It a Catholic service done by the Pope.

This however was not my first thought. My first thought was that it sounds like something the doctor would find during a routine exam. "Well, once we remove the papal mass from your side you should be fine." Unfortunately it didn't stop there. Here's the short list.

Papal Mass (alt.) - A unit of measurement based on the physical density of the Pope (or papal density).
Papal Mess - What happens when the Pope forgets to put the top on the blender before starting it.
Papal Miss - What you get when the Catholic Church finally allows the Pope to get married.
Papal Moss - What happens when the Pope lies still in the forest too long and lichen begins to grow on him.
Papal Mist - The Pope's own brand of lemon-lime soda.
Papal Mast - Part of the Pope's boat.

This is what happens when I spend too long in a car by myself. So remember kids, don't ever get a job that requires you to drive a lot and if you are lost in the forest moss always grows on the north side of the Pope.

Kiwifruit

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Ups and Downs of Optimissim

Thing #105: People used to read this blog.

Do they still? I'm not sure. For all the months I posted I had no idea, but lately I have been reading through old posts and have found comments from many readers I never knew we had. I confess it gives me a new found ferver for posting on a more regular basis. I shall endeavor to be a more optimisstic person in the future.

Except maybe when it comes to the Flyers. I tried being optimistic, but that got me nowhere. One more game and we're done for the post season.

Ah, it's good to be back.

The Chimp, back and better than ever

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Pirates, Lions, and Oxen, Oh My

Thing #104: Pirate, Lion, & Oxen Camp is an almost perfect anagram of Maxon & Lupia Reception.

I learned this through my father who spent a good deal of time perfecting this during my cousin's (the Maxon half) wedding reception. Now, you may be wondering why he would do this. More likely you see what's coming. He, with the help of my uncle and cousin, who will remain unnamed (not as in they were never given names, but as in I am not going to tell you it was Uncle Harry and James), ran a special ops mission to rearrange the letters on the sign outside the conference room to read this. I even helped at one point when I saw a hotel employee heading their direction while looking for my wife. Noticing the three of them suspiciously crowded around said sign and well aware of their masterful scheme, I simply walked beside said employee creating a visual barrier to their activity. I was headed that way anyway.

Overall, it was a good weekend. I got to see my parents, who flew up from Alabama for the wedding. Djere got married. The Flyers finished off the Canadiens in five games. I hustled my dad and Uncle Dave at pool (with some help from Aunt Pam and sheer luck). It was fun.

Kiwifruit

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Words, Part 2

Thing #103: Phrases are just as dangerous as words.

This afternoon, I was relaxing and playing guitar waiting for house guests to arrive for dinner, when my wife yells for me to come kill a bug. Being a man, I rushed in and slapped the offending insect with my hand. After Katherine left the room I noticed the bug was still moving, dying a slow painful death, so I began looking for something to kill it with. At this point, Katherine yelled from the kitchen to ask me if I would do some dishes. I, of course, wanted to kill the insect first and replied with, "First I want to finish this bug off." Completely innocent. This is when Katherine asked me what I said and I realized that responding to a request from your wife with a sentence that ends with "Bug off" is probably not the best idea. She had heard any of what I said, and so I shared this with her. She got a good laugh out of it. I'm going to turn off the computer now, before it is struck by lightning.

Kiwifruit

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

What It Takes

Thing #102: It takes a special kind of person to be a Philadelphia Flyers fan.

That type of person is a sheep, or a lemming, or a dumb dog. Pretty much anyone who is willing to think the best of a group of people no matter how often they are proven wrong is a good candidate. Case in point: The Flyers built a 3-1 lead in their playoff series. In hockey, this is the equivalent of the point in the movie where the good guy has finally outsmart the bad guy, knocked the sword out of his hand, and has but to take him into custody.

Now, we are at game seven. Out of the last 226 series with 3-1 deficits only 20 teams have come back to win. You can always count on the Flyers to beat the odds to lose. Granted, I am being a bit premature. The Flyers could win tonight, manage to stay alive. The point is even if they do, this turnaround simply confirms what Flyers fans have known for a long, long time (since 1976), the Flyers seem to excel at finding ways to lose.

That being said, I am hopeful. This is another trait of loyal Flyers fans. No matter how many times our team manages to lose, we are always hopeful. This is probably because the Flyers have a knack for being really, really good, until they collapse. However, this year is different. Instead of the usual string of aging, soon-to-be retired/free agent ex-superstars we usually put together we have a crisp, young group of players whose best years are still ahead of them. Even if we do lose tonight, we'll be back next year. And we'll be better. Assuming we don't trade everybody again.

Kiwifruit

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Happy Birthday, Grandpa

Thing #101: There are some thing you just can't forget.

Today is my grandfather's birthday. At least it's day I remember it falling on. I remember it whenever I see it in writing or on a calendar. He died in 2003. I thought it fitting to write a tribute to him and the things I remember about him.

I remember coming to see him, he'd be wearing his favorite shirt (no shirt at all). I still refer to wearing no shirt as 'wearing grandpa's favorite shirt. I remember the Spanish peanuts with the red skins he always had at his house. I remember the frog he used to have in the living room, that croaked whenever you walked by. I remember the way my sister used to call him 'grumpy, grouchy, grampy.'

I just thought it was fitting to remember him today. Happy birthday grandpa.

Kiwifruit

Stalling Out On Memory Lane

Thing #100: I love special events.

You know things like the Superbowl, the Stanley Cup Playoffs (GO FLYERS!!!), Series/Season Finales on TV, Weddings, 100th Blog Posts. Yes, it's true, this is my 100th blog post. And it only took 3 -1/2 years. 2-1/2 if you don't count the missing year (2007, 0 posts). At any rate this seems like as good a time as any to look back and say, "What were we thinking?!" So, now the moment you have absolutely not been waiting for . . .

THE TOP 10 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED:

10. You can fix a sandal with ducttape (Thing #58, MacGyver Could've, 06-20-05)

9. The best way to get instant name recognition in a group, is to bring cookies. (Thing #92, Now All I Need Is Some Milk, 03-02-08)

8. Severed chicken heads can be cute. (Thing #80, Chicken Heads and Other Items, 01-16-06)


7. Just because you think someone you know may have liked a movie, doesn't mean you should rent the remake. (Thing #74, Be Careful Whom You Fly With, 12-24-05)

6. Before removing the LED from an FS-C5016 (This is a color printer) you must "sufficiently do let escape the static electricity which is electrified in the human body concerning the metal part and the like of the aqueduct faucet, after that do work.*" (Thing #88, Like an Aqueduct, Eh?, 02-28-08)

5. If your boss leaves you to answer phones and they don't ring for a long period of time, get suspicious. (Thing# 48, Your Call Is Very Important to Us . . ., 05-20-05)

4. If the teacher asks, "Do they still throw chairs on Jerry Springer?" Don't be too quick to answer. (Thing #33, And You Know This How?, 01-20-05)

3. Handzi the stuffed sloth can fit all the way through the ice dispenser on our refrigerator. (Thing # 1, It Begins, 11-24-04)

2. When you go to take off a flat tire, make sure the parking brake is engaged. (Thing #41, On a Roll, 04-21-05)

1. There are some problems that can only be solved with an eight pound sledge-hammer. (Thing #47, WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!, 05-17-05)

There you have it. I was going to do commentary on each one, but that seems a bit excessive now. Maybe I'll save that for 200. I will, however, copy the footnote that goes with the asterisk on #6. Aren't I so nice.

Kiwifruit

*- Kyocera KM-5016 Service Manual (Rev. 1.4)

Monday, April 14, 2008

Laughing Like A Danish

Thing #99: Every letter in Matt is the first on it's respective number on a standard cell phone.

I just programmed my friend Matt's new number in my phone. I thought this was cool. In case you haven't notice I could have major surgery (which I haven't) and you would never know from reading this blog, but this make it on here. Personally I think these insights are much more interesting. So do the 0 people who read my blog regularly. You can't argue with statistics.

Also, you should know that I was going to blog on here about what a good sense of humor the Danes have, and how the world would be so much better if we were all like them. That would've been silly. In case you were wondering Matt isn't Danish. He might like danishes, but then again, who doesn't? Think about that for while. Then go have a danish.

Kiwifruit















P.S. I accidently leaned on the enter button and didn't want all the enters to go to waste. Excited about post 100? Oh well, at least I am.