The H()le Truth

Thing #148: Snow can be very deceptive.

As you may be aware, most of the United States has been coping with large amounts of snowfall, including Northern New York. You, however my not be aware that my church is nearing the end of a major building project which has spanned, depending on who you talk to, anywhere from five years to the past century. I think it is closer to the former.

So, in the interest of helping out and getting to play with neat tools, I have been going down to the church the last few Thursday nights and working on the church. Mostly I've been insulating heating ducts, which means working in a thin T-shirt when it's freezing outside and still sweating.

On a recent visit, I was headed back to my car when I noticed a van parked in the path most easily accessible. So I decide to cut across a snow covered area that looked something like the chart below.

^----------------------------------^

As you can see there were two mounds of snow with a long, flat path between them. At least that's what I saw. Removing the snow you would get the following chart.

|                                            |

|_________________________|

That's right. It was a big hole. Below the two charts are merged to give you an idea what was actually going on.

^----------------------------------^

  |_______________________|

I'm sure you have surmised what happened next

^--------             ---------------^

|______\____/____________|

Yep, that indentation is where I landed after jumping over the first mound. Talk about a rude awakening. I managed to claw my way out and go home, but there was a brief moment of panic. 

Moral: Looking before you leap is no help at all.

Kiwifruit

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(===========) <------Viking Longboat :)

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Birthdays

What we know is that birthdays are inevitable. We all have them.

What you might not know is that more times then not my birthday has fallen on a date where unnecessary travel in our county is not recommended. Often as a child plans for my birthday have fallen through.

This year, wiser as I am instead of planning events for my actual birthday we planned them for the day before. Although the weather was not spectacular we were still able to make the trip to Syracuse, watch a movie, consume copious amounts of cold stone creamery ice cream and hoffmann hotdogs, shop and have a great time.

The next day , as predicted, Phil and I were snowed in, unable to venture out to church or anywhere else until the evening. Luckily we had a cake mix in the cupboard and we were able to persevere. It was a good birthday :)

0 Grams Trans Fat*

Thing #146: Nutritional facts can be decieving, so remember to read the fine print.

So, tonight was my father's birthday. (Happy Birthday, by the way). Anyways, as is tradition he got to choose his birthday dinner, and as is tradition, he chose cheesburgers and tatertots. Same thing he chooses every year. So, I was waiting for the oil to heat up to deep fry the tatertots (It's important to point out here that I dumped half the bottle in the pot) and I started examining the bottle. Ian pointed out that it said "No trans fat".

Ian: Ah! See, no fat in it.
Me: No trans fat, there's a differnce, and as you well know, trans fat is a myth. It doesn't seem to be in anything.
Ian: Right, so how much reglular fat is in it?

Naturally, I turned the bottle around to check the nutritional facts which read: 14g fat. 14 grams, not bad, right? That's what I thought. Than I read the servings. Serving size: 1 tablespoon, servings per container: 252. Ok, so I used half the bottle, that's 176 servings or 2,464 grams of fat.

(Sorry dad, not intending to bash the health qualities of your meal... wait, you probably never thought cheeseburgers and tatertots were in any way healthy)

The moral of the story: Always read the serving size, and NEVER assume "no trans fat" means "healthy".

The Chimp

*Serving Size: 1 Paragraph
Servings per post: about 6
Total Fat: 1,487 g
Trans Fat: 0 g

Don't Drink (Tea) and Drive

Thing #145: Tea can be much stronger than I expected.

I love tea. This is a fairly recent development, but I've found that I enjoy a nice cold brewed tea. I've begun noting the various shades of flavor, the variety of taste in each different kind. So it was with great excitement that I perused the shelves at Target for some new kind of tea.

Now, as if my previous exultation of the greatness of tea wasn't enough, it gets worse. The tea I selected was something called 'Sleepytime Extra.' It seemed innocent enough, with a picture of a cute little bear, sleeping in an old-fashioned wood rocker. Then I got it home.

No, this isn't the part where the bear comes to life and attacks me. No, Katherine got to reading the tea. It has a warning and this wasn't some, 'Tea may be hot when brewed' kind of warning. Nope this was a serious warning involving the product not being intended for children and not operating heavy machinery. Yep. I slept great last night.

Kiwifruit

Rest in Pleats

Thing #144: Dead people wear clothes too.

And sometimes they need a new outfit.

I run across many strange things in retail sales. I've had more than a few bizzare and awkward conversations with my customers, but none beats the woman that came in the other day.

She was shopping for a nice, decorative, white button up blouse. Simple enough. I got the impression the shirt wasn't for her. It had to be very modest beacuse it was for an older woman. As we walked around the store and searched for one that would work I asked my typical probing questions about what the event was, what the person's tastes were, ect... I got an atypical answer. The conversation went something like this:

Customer: Well, you're probably going to think this is a little morbid.
Me: Ok...
Customer: It's for my 86 year old mother... who's dead.
Me: Oh...

What do you say to that? Turn's out they had a suit for her to wear for the funeral, but needed a shirt to go underneath, so I spent the next 20 minutes or so helping the woman pick out an appropriately dressy and decent blouse which her deceased mother would approve of. So the moral of the story is... actually, if there is a moral in their somewhere I'm not sure what it is. I just hope that someday when I die some nice retail associate will see that I am nicely dressed for my funeral.

The Chimp

A Slight Correction Or Two

Thing #143: There were a couple of errors in my last post.

As is tradition, and possibly law, in the 'news' business, I will now make corrections in the same section where the error was originally printed. This is not because I am under the impression that this blog is 'news,' but rather because this blog only has one section.

Error 1: I made a slight mathematical error, something that has become somewhat commonplace around my house. I stated that we had 55 posts last year, when, in fact, as astute observer and sometime contributor, Inebriated Chimpanzee pointed out, we had 56 posts.

Error 2: I incorrectly identified the author of "A PBS Companion" as Frank Stewart, but upon picking back up to read the chapter on Julia Child (awesome!) I realized his real name is David Stewart. I was a tad confused here.

Error 3: Writing a post to correct these errors instead of editing them in the original post an hoping no one noticed.

There you have it. Now I can sleep tonight.

Kiwifruit

Frankly, It's Been a Good Year

Thing #142: Today is Frank Wiseman's birthday.

Frank Wiseman made a series of groundbreaking documentaries for public television. I just thought it was interesting that I began a chapter on him in Frank Stewarts, "The PBS Companion" practically on his birthday.

Also, on an administrative note, 2008 was a banner year. After a slow (read, non-existent) 2007, we roared back, adding two new contributors and reached a record 55 posts on the year. Next year, we break 60. Or not. Whatever.

Kiwifruit

No Post For Christmas

Thing #141: Just because it is Christmas, it doesn't mean you have a sudden surge of inspiration.

For lack of said inspiration I will simply say:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Now I have to go find baby Jesus so I can put him in our manger.

And seriously, have a good Christmas.

Kiwifruit

Hats Off to the Dust Speck

Thing #140: The Cat in the Hat lives on a speck of dust.

So, Katherine and I have been taking care of a young child this week, and as a consequence have been revisiting some of our cherished childhood films. It really explains alot. In the course of this, we'll call it 'research,' I've discovered the above fact. The following paragraphs will lay out my case, in detail.

We'll start with The Grinch. This is of course the beloved Dr. Suess character who, in 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas,' attempted to stop the Whos in aptly-named Whoville from having Christmas by commiting a number of felonies, including theft, breaking and entering, and the unthinkable treenapping. Upon returning to Whoville with an enlarged heart (which he is never treated for), The Grinch returns the gifts, trees, and various other Christmas items (with the exception of one "Very Gaither Christmas" CD, fortunately lost off the top of the mountain.) He is subsequently given a place of great honor carving the roast beast.

Fast forward to the near future when Whoville has grown from a small villiage to a thriving metropolis complete with skyscrapers, a clock tower, and several Starbucks. This is the setting for the follow-up film, 'Horton Hears a Who.' It is in this film that it is established that Whoville is actually located on a speck of dust. Thus, in order to interact with the Whos, the Grinch must also reside on said speck of dust. To complete this theory I will turn to the final film of note, 'The Grinch Grinches the Cat in the Hat,' in which the Grinch, presumably before his heart enlargement, does or attempts to do, a variety of unkind things to the aforemention Cat in the Hat. Thus, the Cat in the Hat must live on the same speck of dust as the Grinch and the Whos. Which begs the question, "Why did we never see any meaningful interaction between the Cat and the Whos?" I smell a conspiracy.

Kiwifruit

P.S. My apologies to anyone who actually spent time reading this.

I Know You're Reading This

Thing #139: Somebody checks this blog on Tuesday.

I know this because I have a tracker set up to send me emails. Everytime I get it it looks something like this

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As you might assume, I did not put much work into this recreation. Also, you might assume that the dash way up in the air represents Tuesday. It does. So, to whomever checks us out Tuesday, however many people you might be, more power to you.

Also, to whomever is not checking us out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, I say, "Why not?!"

I'll give Friday a break. Really, who's lame enough to check a blog post on Friday . . . Oh, wait, that'd be me.

Kiwifruit

A Blank Stair

Thing #138: Taking the stairs may be better for your health, but it can sure be tricky.

I have a confession to make . . . I've been trying to be healthier. Hard to believe, coming from the guy who once bragged about eating a sandwich made from an entire loaf of French bread, but it's true. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables, going to the gym, and, yes, taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

I found this can have disadvantages though. Truth be told, taking the stairs is a leap into the unknown. To make my case I invoke the following three examples.

The first came in a medical building. I merrily pressed my way up the stairs to the third floor, only to find myself in the middle of some sort of surgical unit. I think it may have be a recovery area or something, but I honestly didn't stay long enough to find out (the man with the industrial toolbox sticks out in such a place). I got directions from a nearby nurse to where the elevator would have come out and headed that direction.

Then, last week, I went to the eighth floor of an eight story building. I decided to take the stairs down. They stopped on the sixth floor, so I decided to go back to the eighth floor and use the elevator there. This would've been a great plan had the door back onto the eighth floor not been locked from the inside. About that time, I noticed the entire stairwell was under construction as was the seventh floor. So, I waited on the eighth floor until someone walked by and banged on the door as hard as I could. Then, I took the elevator.

But this is nothing compared to today. Today I was in a second floor office when I noticed a door at the back with a white piece of paper taped to it. It read "Do Not Use. No Stairs." I decided not to try this one. From now on I think I'll just take the elevator and do jumping jacks the whole way up. That sounds much safer.

Kiwifruit

So It Begins...

Thing #137: The holidays are a time for family, fun, food, and home renovations.

Every year as the holiday season draws near there are so many wonderful things I look forward to: spending time with friends and family, Christmas shopping, delicious holiday meals. There is, however, one thing I don't look quite as forward to: the home renovations.

You see, my parents have this crazy idea that the hectic holiday season is the best time to tackle huge projects, such as redoing a bathroom. I came home from work today eager for leftover turkey and stuffing from this mornings church meal, which I sadly had to miss, followed by some early Christmas shopping. I walked in the door, dropped my coat on the coat rack. Five minutes later my parents came through the door from Lowes with an armload of supplies. The new tile is going up, the sink may even work after this round of renovations!

I suppose in some small way it wouldn't really feel like the Holidays without the piles of ripped out shelving on the porch, the new tile stacked in the dining room, and the sound of construction echoing down the hall. Its just one more of those family traditions we've developed over the years. So the holiday season has officially begun, and there will be much more of friends and family, food and presents, tile and grout, and all that other great holiday stuff in the coming month. Here's wishing you all a great Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas!

The Chimp

Stop and Smell the Tea Leaves

Thing #136: Closed caption is not a reliable news source.

Sitting in Arby's today eating lunch, I found myself watching the news. As usual, the volume was extremely low and the other lunch goers quite loud, so I had to rely on the closed caption. The anchor was talking about the auto crisis and the possibility of a bailout. He said something about the American people being disgruntled by this, followed by, and I quote directly from the closed caption, "But, if you read the tea leaves and count the noses you will see that..."

Hmmm... I hadn't thought about that. I just counted four noses (two human, one cat, one dog) and the tea leaves didn't appear to be written in English, and still I am no closer to understanding the Detroit auto crisis.This is why I never watch the news and avoid all things political. Way too confusing.

The Chimp

Little Bo.... Jenkins?

Thing #135: I am a geek.

Ok, so some of you knew this already, but I didn't realize it. Perhaps I knew I had some, shall we say nerd like tendencies, but I had no idea how deep it went.

The new expansion for world of warcraft came out on Nov. 12. Ian and I had been eagerly awaiting the game's release for months, but as the date grew near we began to fear not being able to find a copy so we did what anyone with nerd like tendencies would, we preordered it. Ian stopped at our local gamestop and payed the man in full for two copies of the wrath of the lich king.

Ok, so we preordered a game, no big deal. It gets worse. On Nov. 12 we stood in line with all off the other geeks at said gamestop so that we could recieve our copies the very moment they went on sale, 12:01 a.m. Nov. 13.

The more I sit here the more I realize I have always been a nerd. I remember dragging my brother to walmart at midnight the day the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring went on sale on DVD. I didn't preorder it though. And in neither instance did I dress up in a silly costume! Instead Ian and I stood in line with everyone else talking excitedly about the new game and our characters, and of course, what we would have dressed up as if we had worn costumes!*

The Chimp

*A mage with a polymorphed sheep.

The Dip Guy

Thing #134: I am the dip master.

This is a strange sentance, so let me clarify. I made a lovely guacamole dip for our bible study tonight. As we all munched on it, I got talking to Jim, our small group leader, about all the great dips I make with our mini-blender. As the list went on, I began to realize I have a bit of an obsession, or rather another obsession to add the list, right between politics and coming up with ideas for television series. Yes, I love dip. In fact Jim dubbed me the 'dip guy' and suggested we start a business with me making dips and him making something involving wontons which I could neither spell, nor pronounce. Personally, I hope the new moniker doesn't stick.

Kiwifruit (AKA, the Dip Guy)

The Black Hole Ate my Witty Title...

Thing #133: There is a black hole in our blog.

Firstly, it ate post #130.

Secondly, It swallows up all my inspiration every time I open the blog with the intention of posting. I sit, my fingers posed over the keyboard, ready to type, and then I feel this pull as the ideas are slowly drained from me. That's my explaination for my lack of posts recently.

Thirdly, Most of the page is black. So it must be a black hole.

All right, this proved my point. I posted, but all the usual wit, creativity, and inspiration were sucked out of this post before I ever hit the 'publish post' button. Perhaps we will look into fixing this problem.... assuming there is a way to 'fix' a black hole.

The Chimp

There Goes the Left Leg

Thing #132: Clay, in addition to being heavy, is a menacing substance that, given the opportunity will suck half of your leg into itself.

I learned this working at our church's property this weekend. This is why I came home sore and half covered in muddy clay. Really, this is the only thing I could think of to post about. It's sad. I hope that it will get better.

Kiwifruit.

It Being Determined That Said Blogger Is A Nerd . . .

Thing #131: According to Article I, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution "the Vice-President of the United States shall be President of the Senate."

This question came up in last nights debate after Sarah Palin mention that the VP has the power to preside over the Senate. Joe Biden quickly 'corrected' her explaining that said VP can only vote when there is a tie and has no power to preside over the Senate. I thought he was right. He wasn't. Rather he was right that that is the only time a VP gets to vote, but not in whether or not the VP presides over the Senate.

Anyway, after watching the debate, I ran across someone pointing out this mistake while reading about the debate online. Then, after work today I did what any normal American citizen who has a question about government would do. I grabbed my copy of the U.S. constitution and started reading. After skimming it three times, I read more carefully and discovered the aforementioned sentence.

Naturally, after finding this out I had to take the chance to actually pull out an article and section of the Constitution like they always did on The West Wing. It makes me feel smart.

Kiwifriut

P.S. Thing #130 has not been skipped, it's just waiting to be completed. This may or may not happen. I can actually count.

Wired

Thing #129: I am a complete nerd.

Don't get me wrong, I already knew that I was a nerd, but a complete nerd? It turns out, this is true. It all started with a trip to the mall. Now, normally I don't like malls, but this time I knew there would be dinner involved, specifically one of those Chinese places where you get 3 meats and a side for $5.50. So I went.

When Katherine and I first arrived, we headed to the food court, past a music/movie store with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Barack Obama and John McCain prominently displayed in the window. So I did what any normal American would do. I had my wife take a picture of me in front of them and sent it to everyone in my family. This does not make me a complete nerd. It just means I happen to enjoy having my picture taken with cardboard cutouts/statues/action figures of famous people. (So far I also have Mahatma Ghandi and Ryan Seacrest. I never thought I'd mention them in the same sentence.)

Then we went to Best Buy and my wife and I convinced each other to buy a wireless router. This is where the nerd came out. Katherine dropped me off at home and went grocery shopping. I spent the better part of the next hour setting up the router, playing with the settings, and sharing our printer. Then we both took our places at our respective computers. Katherine went online and checked out various web pages. I, on the other hand, began pulling up shared folders, pinging her computer, attempting to hack her computer, and generally bothering her with all the cool stuff I could do on our new network. She was underwhelmed. Oh well, I'm going to go find some more thing to do on our network.

Kiwifruit

Gone With the Wind

Thing #128: If the remnants of a major hurricane are heading towards your area, it's wise to secure your trash can.

I'm sure everyone's heard by now about Ike the hurricane that tore across America. We in Northern New York ususually don't worry too much about hurricanes, for the same reason people in Miami don't usually worry about snowstorms, they don't usually occur here. However, last night the in its final blow Ike tore through the area blowing over trees and taking down large swaths of the local power grid.

So, when I got up this morning and I had power and none of my trees were down, and my tomato plant was still sitting merrily on my porch roof, I thought nothing was amiss. That is until I went down with a load of stinky trash to put it in our cheap plastic garbage can. It seems said can took this as the perfect opportunity to runaway to some home with trash that is less stinky. Oh, well, c'est la vie (Two years of French and that's about all I know). Next time I'm tying the can to the tomato plant.

Kiwifruit