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If the teacher asks, "Do they still throw chairs on Jerry Springer?" Don't be to quick to answer. That poor girl. I'm sure she regretted that. For the record they still do . . .
Flaming Kiwifruit
I have occupational hazards . . . or rather an occupational hazard. Yes, sadly today while I was sorting the junk mail we were sending out (sorry about that) I recieved a ghastly paper cut the size of Cincinatti or an "I" on this page. Seem somehow fitting though, like the junk mail was saying, "If I can't ruin your life enough by overcrowding your mail box, then I'll just resort to physical assault." So, remember when you get all that junk mail and want to call down fire to consume whoever sent it to you, whoever sent it to you hates junk mail just as much, if not more than you . . .
Flaming Kiwifruit
Apparently, Daryl is a unisex name, or so says the parenting magazine we found in the mailroom. Additionally, Oslo and Oona are viable male names, and, much to my chagrin, Kiwi is a viable female name . . . I'm starting a revolution. "FREE KIWI!!!!!!!!!"
The Flaming ----fruit
. . . That I don't learn much when I sit around all day doing nothing on my vacations from school.
And, that the cat can NOT fit all the way through the ice dispenser on our refridgerator.
The Chimp
Apparently, the phrase, 'Get yo' muse on!' is taboo in this household.
Also, size 54 underwear makes a bad gift. Thankfully I learned this second-hand.
Flaming Kiwifruit
There's a reason CD's are marked down to 25 cents. The following lyrics are among them.
1. Take a look at what Jesus did, I think that's so groovy. The living Word, God walking in the flesh, and I think that it's so groovy. (Scarecrow and Tinman, "Groovy")
2. Just then I noticed a sign. It read, "Renew your soul through Jesus at Exit 39." I walked through an open door and I statrted to listen . . . I saw water turn to wine at Exit 39 - Down at Exit 39." (John Elefante, Exit 39)
3. "Hold on as tight as you can, we're gonna blast upon this land with a supersonic kind of love dripping from God's Bionic Son." (Scarecrow and Tinman, "Bionic Son")
Need I say more... Well, it's not all bad. Rick Elias', Blink is quite good. I still haven't gotten brave enough to try This Trains', Mimes of the Old West... Yeah, we were desperate at 4 (it was 4 for $1 or 88 cents apeice.).
Additionally, there is no button on my keyboard for the little cent symbol. Happy New Year.
Flaming Kiwifruit
The last name listed on the credits for "The Return of the King" is . . .
(appropriate dramatic drum roll to build suspense)
Dang, I forgot . . . HA! Just kidding. It's investment consultant Richard Reiner.
All I have to say is, "Richie, you da MAN!" Or was it, "I cannot believe I just wasted all that time looking through the credits for that!" At any rate, now you're life is complete.
Flaming Kiwifruit
"Raw leather lederhosen" is too long to be an AIM screen name. So is "leather lederhosen." "lederhosen" and "king lederhosen" were taken. Only "raw lederhosen" will work. This is so disturbing to my psyche that I will probably never use it, again. I'm sure that's more than you ever wanted to know. Thank Stevieboy (my aforementioned brother-in-law) for that one.
Flaming Kiwifruit
Well, well, well . . .
My brother-in-law grows more disturbing daily!
I will never look at the word lederhosen the same again!
That is all I'm saying!!!!
The Chimp
Well, just when I thought I could not be more disturbed.
You cannot begin to imagine how many utterly disturbing things I learned about my family tonight.
Stephen grew progressivly more disturbing, but most of that I cannot in all good conscience share with you, as it would scar you for life too.
Nothing beats seeing my father wearing a camel mask and rapping about the 'Christ Child' as they (He, Tyler and Holli) preformed a Christmas play.
Oh, well, except seeing my aforementioned father sit and talk on the phone with a burgandy pillow case and a brown frilly curtain tie on his head for an hour.
Then there was the purple pillow which made an . . . um . . . interesting hat. Donned by me (I'm sorry to say). Stephen, maybe others, I lost track . . .
All in all, I am exhausted, disturbed, and all around scared out of my mind. I would post the other disturbing things I learned if I hadn't already repressed them. Maybe when the chaos subsides . . .
The Chimp
Well . . . many new things have I learned thus far this day.
My brother-in-law is more disturbing if he is bored. What else can he do to scar me for life? Grabbing my brother's hinder parts, attaching sticky Christmas bows to his own hinder parts . . . Need I go on?
My family never changes. We completed our annual puzzle tonight which we do every Christmas. We fought over who's pieces were being taken by whom; we fought over who got to put in the last piece, and in the end, they finished the puzzle . . . while I, the one who had started the puzzle in the first place, was gone!!! Ah! Family and the Holidays! Does it get any better?
Well, Merry Christmas All. Hope you enjoy your holiday!
The Chimp
It is humanly possible. And in under thirty minutes. Man, I'm stuffed . . .
And thus concludes the trilogy of consumption.
Flaming Kiwifruit
It is possible for a man to successfully make a turkey sandwich from half a loaf of french bread. As to whether or not it is humanly possible to eat it . . . Well, I have my suspicions. Now, I must put them to the test. Wish me luck.
Flaming Kiwifruit
It is not acceptable to refer to a Po'Boy sandwich as a Home Boy. Additionally, if you must correct yourself, do not do it by saying, "No, I said Ho'Boy." That's something I never wanted to hear my mother say. And the sandwich wasn't even that good. Oh, well. It's okay since I ate most everybody else's food anyway. I love the holiday season.
Flaming Kiwifruit
Apparently, naked sheep are damaging to my sister's moral value system. Sadly, we learned this after Ian took us to a movie featuring said animal in the buff. I was disturbed as well.
Finals week generally ends with a mass loss of intelligence, aside from the previously chronicled printer incident with my ex-suitemate, there was more proof. There is just something weird about having your back turned to your roommate and hearing him do something along the lines of, "La la doo doo doo doo la la la OW!!!!!!!" Turns out he got a little to "into" his celebratory dance and whacked his knee on his desk. Meanwhile, Jen Hanson and I had much more fun with a dictionary than anyone should, (It had Bob Dylan!) and Rachel, Ian, Jen and I had FAR too much fun with a crude drawing of me. (Crude in the sense of poorly drawn, not disgusting.)
Also, I just learned that if you must put ice into your drink because you are OBSESSIVE about it, the only viable solution to the cold problem is to walk around the house with oven mitts on. You can thank the chimp for that one.
I also learned that there is actually a worship song called, "I Really Want to Praise You Lord." I'm sure it's a solid song, but all I can think of to finish it is, "but, you know, stuff happens."
Have a great night, day, Hannukah, or whatever it is when you read this.
Flaming Kiwifruit
College can be an informative place. You learn many things there, unfortunately, with finals, I have had little time to post said things. Now I shall.
I'll start by saying, finals week is EVIIIIILLLLLL! Okay, that being said and finals being over . . . .
I know now for certain that it is impossible for anyone on campus to see Handzi the sloth and not have an overwhelming desire to make him dance. Bizzare. I am also slightly jealous that my stuffed sloth is more well known than me. But that is another point entirely.
If you work near hot grease, you should wrap your arms in saran wrap to avoid singing your arm hairs, or so I learned from one of the college residents who works in the cafe.
If you are leaving for three weeks, you should not leave perishable, smelly foods such as meat in your dorm. I of course knew this. My roommate did not. I threw out her food after she left to avoid having to smell it in three weeks when we return. But then she herself does not smell too overly pleasant either.
If you have a final, study the day before. Never again will I get up at 7:00 a.m. to study for a final. NEVER!
If you are lost, do not call the campus radi0 station for directions. I, helping Phil with his radio show for the first time ever, was left in control of the station with little knowledge of what I was doing while Phil attempted to give directions to one of the more . . . er . . . interesting residents of our college who had called in lost.
Let's see . . . I think that's it for now.
Oh, one more thing. You can celebrate the end of finals week by throwing your old, no longer functioning printer off from the third floor of the dorm building. Though I didn't try it myself, I heard someone on campus enjoyed doing this. I would not suggest such a course of action, but if you do plan to do this, make sure no one is below you.
A little lengthy, but I had to catch up. Hopefully I can post a little more frequently now with the semester over.
The Chimp
Today I learned that it is a bad idea to eat Taco Bell, in the car (in a parking lot), while wearing your only white shirt, a mere 45 minutes before the call time for your choir concert. Thank God, the suit coat covered it.
Additionally, I learned that, although dark brown socks and sandals may not make a very good fashion statement, they'll work in a pinch. Believe me . . . It's a very, long story.
My roomate's weirdness transcends everything I first suspected.
Okay, so Carla irons her dollar bills so the vending machines will take them more easily. Fine . . .
So she takes her clothes out of her drawers, irons them, folds them, and puts them all back . . .
So she made me get out of bed while taking a nap after getting four hours of sleep so I could dust my fan because it 'looked too dirty' . . .
But yesterday, me and my other roomates were banned from using our very own bathroom because she had decoratively folded the edge of the toilet paper and she did not want us to mess it up . . .
The Chimp
Apparently, you can't shoot a bear if you're wearing to much cologne. Yep. Borghy says so, so it must be true, no? As I've stated on many occasions... I'm skeptical of such things.
Also, apparently ending a conversation with "One" is now a common greeting among the "In" crowd. This is similar to my attempts to get "Gooten Niten Heimer" as a common salutation among the "Out" crowd. So far no takers . . .
Flaming Kiwifruit
There are any number of great hymns in the church history. I already knew that. However I did not realize there were so many . . . "misguided" hymn. My personal favorites:
1. Hold the Fort (no, by all means, don't go out and fight, just hold the fort.)
2. I've Got My Religon (well, that should be at least enough to hold the fort.)
3. Slip Away Home (pastor going long again? gotta admit, i've wanted to sing this before!)
4. Too Late To Pray (sounds positively cheerful. probably a big hit at funerals.)
5. It's Just Like Heaven (then why would we need the real thing?)
Granted, these may be great hymns, but the titles sure got me. Right up there with Switchfoot's "Might Have Ben Hur." How lame can you get? Maybe I'll learn that tomorrow.
Additionally, I learned that saving your homework for when you get back to campus after break is a bad idea. Especially when you have an eight (8) hour drive. Okay, more like seven (7), but I don't know how that happened.
I also realized tonight that I have this blog, because the world deserves to hear my humor. I figure the world must have done something pretty bad to deserves that. Oh, well. Good night.
Flaming Kiwifruit
