Thing #111: Maintaining the refrigerator is an important, yet trying task.
My wife left me in charge of defrosting the freezer and cleaning out the old leftovers in our refrigerator. The trouble is, our freezer door is broken in such a way that it doesn't close properly and has been known to leap out at unsuspecting victims (a.k.a. my wife) who then ask me to get food out of it so as to avoid another attack. I'm good at catching it. The problem with having a door like this (other than a good scare from it flying at your face) is that frost quickly builds up on edge of the freezer until it starts to look like what I see out my window from around December to March or April, snow covered hills.
It was a valiant effort. I didn't realize you could sweat while working in a freezer, but apparently you can, or at least, I can. After blow drying, chipping, and pounding my way through this, I moved on to the simple task of emptying out leftovers (and by simple, I mean gross). We're actually pretty good about getting rid of left-overs in a timely fashion, but this is the time when the ones that got lost in the back turn up.
As I prepared to open the first container, I was reminded of a Bible story. Yes, you heard that right. If you remember, when Jesus is about to raise Lazarus from the dead, Martha protest. She points out that he's been dead four days and surely it stinketh (in the KJV). Some part of me was similarly saying, "It's been in there X number of days! Surely it stinketh!" I persevered, doing my best not to breathe through my nose. Now, I just have to make certain everything got back in the fridge. Maybe later I'll tell you about my new theory on balloons.
Kiwifruit
Monday, May 26, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
The State of Birthdays
Thing #110: It is not socially acceptable to draw a picture of the State of New York on the envelope of someone's birthday card.
This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.
Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.
We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.
Kiwifruit
This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.
Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.
We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.
Kiwifruit
Monday, May 19, 2008
Happy Birthday Kiwi!
Thing# 109: My brother is a quarter of a century old!
I did not know this yesterday because it was not true yesterday. In honor of this special day, I have decided to collaborate with his parents and former roommate to compile a list of 25 things you may not know about Phil:
1. Phil is single handedly responsible for the death of countless pots, pans, and small appliances, including all those lost in the great 'Pecan Pie Massacre' and, I hear, a $10 mixer.
2. Phil can occupy every inch of space in front of a sink and counter while simultaneously being slower than humanly possible at getting ready.
3. Phil is a lover of nature. He once backed his car into a tree, got out, checked the tree with complete lack of concern for his car's well being, and drove to work.
4. Phil runs red lights and stops at green lights. Several long stories involved, but he has done both.
5. He can climb a telephone pole with his toenails. This is how he earned the nickname 'Bellsouth'. If you've seen his toenails, you understand.
6. His favorite colors are green and khaki.
7. He has a passion for cooking, especially grilling meat.
8. Little dogs love him and feel a compulsion to follow him for as long as possible after he walks by.
9. He once ran into a parked car.
10. He once set our front lawn on fire burning ant hills with gasoline. In his defense, he had help with this one.
11. He will wear a pair of sandals until they fall apart . . . then he will duct tape and super glue the pieces together and wear them until his wife finds out and throws them away.
12. He will take anything if it is free and buy anything if it says 'new' on the package.
13. He is an accomplished singer and songwriter, as well as guitar player.
14. He's unbeatable in the game Encore.
15. Everyone knows him. Growing up I was always "Phil's sister" and everywhere we went, somehow, at least a handful of people knew Phil.
16. He loves to take things apart and find out how they work, and unlike his dad, he can usually put them back together so they still work.
17. He's never had much fashion sense: The star shirt, the sailboat shirt, the sweat pants with the hole from his knee to his ankle . . .
18. He is blindingly white, but then, that is sort of a family trait.
19. When he was four years old he lined up all the kids in the playground and made them sit down and listen while he preached to them.
20. He typically has bad luck with birthdays, hopefully this year was different!
21. He's a pool hustler.
22. There is no counting the number of times he has locked his keys in his car . . . while it was running.
23. His snore is said to be something like a gas generator, a guerilla battle cry, and a dying moose . . . run through an amplifier.
24. He has his mother's sense of direction. He once got lost in the bath tub, and spent hours wheeling a copier around a building looking for the exit.
25. Everyone loves Phil. The first time I met my future in-laws, we brought Phil. When we left my roommate said, "I think they liked you . . . but they LOVED Phil!" I guess he's just a loveable guy!
Happy Birthday Phil! We love you!
Phil's Sister
I did not know this yesterday because it was not true yesterday. In honor of this special day, I have decided to collaborate with his parents and former roommate to compile a list of 25 things you may not know about Phil:
1. Phil is single handedly responsible for the death of countless pots, pans, and small appliances, including all those lost in the great 'Pecan Pie Massacre' and, I hear, a $10 mixer.
2. Phil can occupy every inch of space in front of a sink and counter while simultaneously being slower than humanly possible at getting ready.
3. Phil is a lover of nature. He once backed his car into a tree, got out, checked the tree with complete lack of concern for his car's well being, and drove to work.
4. Phil runs red lights and stops at green lights. Several long stories involved, but he has done both.
5. He can climb a telephone pole with his toenails. This is how he earned the nickname 'Bellsouth'. If you've seen his toenails, you understand.
6. His favorite colors are green and khaki.
7. He has a passion for cooking, especially grilling meat.
8. Little dogs love him and feel a compulsion to follow him for as long as possible after he walks by.
9. He once ran into a parked car.
10. He once set our front lawn on fire burning ant hills with gasoline. In his defense, he had help with this one.
11. He will wear a pair of sandals until they fall apart . . . then he will duct tape and super glue the pieces together and wear them until his wife finds out and throws them away.
12. He will take anything if it is free and buy anything if it says 'new' on the package.
13. He is an accomplished singer and songwriter, as well as guitar player.
14. He's unbeatable in the game Encore.
15. Everyone knows him. Growing up I was always "Phil's sister" and everywhere we went, somehow, at least a handful of people knew Phil.
16. He loves to take things apart and find out how they work, and unlike his dad, he can usually put them back together so they still work.
17. He's never had much fashion sense: The star shirt, the sailboat shirt, the sweat pants with the hole from his knee to his ankle . . .
18. He is blindingly white, but then, that is sort of a family trait.
19. When he was four years old he lined up all the kids in the playground and made them sit down and listen while he preached to them.
20. He typically has bad luck with birthdays, hopefully this year was different!
21. He's a pool hustler.
22. There is no counting the number of times he has locked his keys in his car . . . while it was running.
23. His snore is said to be something like a gas generator, a guerilla battle cry, and a dying moose . . . run through an amplifier.
24. He has his mother's sense of direction. He once got lost in the bath tub, and spent hours wheeling a copier around a building looking for the exit.
25. Everyone loves Phil. The first time I met my future in-laws, we brought Phil. When we left my roommate said, "I think they liked you . . . but they LOVED Phil!" I guess he's just a loveable guy!
Happy Birthday Phil! We love you!
Phil's Sister
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The Sandals Weren't Made For Walking
Thing #108: Sandals and parades are not a good combination.
I was in a parade today. I know what your thinking, "Don't you have to be famous to be in a parade?" To which I would reply, "But I am famous." Just kidding. No, it turns out they just let anybody walk in parades these days. Case in point, I was in a parade today.
Now, logic and, coincidently, my wife would dictate that ratty, old flip-flops are not wise attire for a parade. Somehow, that little fact escaped me, even though my wife, as previously alluded to, pointed it out. You have to give me credit though, I did figure it out about halfway to the parade, when my feet started to hurt. That's right, I did say halfway to the parade, not halfway through it. We walked there. We barely made it. As we approached the pre-assigned meeting point, the parade started passing us.
We manage to catch up with the group from my wife's daycare, just as they were embarking. Then we walked. More. And I handed out strange paper hats to young children and couple of elderly people. It was good. My feet would disagree.
Kiwifruit
Is it just me, or do my posts tend to end rather abruptly?
I was in a parade today. I know what your thinking, "Don't you have to be famous to be in a parade?" To which I would reply, "But I am famous." Just kidding. No, it turns out they just let anybody walk in parades these days. Case in point, I was in a parade today.
Now, logic and, coincidently, my wife would dictate that ratty, old flip-flops are not wise attire for a parade. Somehow, that little fact escaped me, even though my wife, as previously alluded to, pointed it out. You have to give me credit though, I did figure it out about halfway to the parade, when my feet started to hurt. That's right, I did say halfway to the parade, not halfway through it. We walked there. We barely made it. As we approached the pre-assigned meeting point, the parade started passing us.
We manage to catch up with the group from my wife's daycare, just as they were embarking. Then we walked. More. And I handed out strange paper hats to young children and couple of elderly people. It was good. My feet would disagree.
Kiwifruit
Is it just me, or do my posts tend to end rather abruptly?
The Universe, Peanuts, and the End of the World
Thing #107: The universe was brought to us in part by Planter's peanuts.
Strange but true. Apparently God had a little help from the peanut people, or so thinks the history channel. I was sitting on the couch watching a show about planets, black holes, and the likes, aptly named "The Universe" when all of the sudden as the commercials began I was notified of this fact. I wonder which part they were responsible for?
Either way, I must go now and quickly prepare for certain doom. As the show neared in end, they announced, and I quote, "Cosmic Apocalypse, coming up next."
As a side note, I also now know my blog has a spell check, which dad pointed out after trying to help me figure out to spell apocalypse. So I now I know it's spelled correctly.
The Chimp
Strange but true. Apparently God had a little help from the peanut people, or so thinks the history channel. I was sitting on the couch watching a show about planets, black holes, and the likes, aptly named "The Universe" when all of the sudden as the commercials began I was notified of this fact. I wonder which part they were responsible for?
Either way, I must go now and quickly prepare for certain doom. As the show neared in end, they announced, and I quote, "Cosmic Apocalypse, coming up next."
As a side note, I also now know my blog has a spell check, which dad pointed out after trying to help me figure out to spell apocalypse. So I now I know it's spelled correctly.
The Chimp
Friday, May 16, 2008
A Papal Mess
Thing #106: There are endless possibilities for misusing the word "papal."
I started thinking about this recently when the Pope visited the United States. During the intense (okay, so intense and papal visit don't quite go together) news coverage the term Papal mass kept coming up. Of course, as everyone knows, this comes from the terms, mass, meaning a Catholic service, and papal, a term which encompasses all thing pope. It a Catholic service done by the Pope.
This however was not my first thought. My first thought was that it sounds like something the doctor would find during a routine exam. "Well, once we remove the papal mass from your side you should be fine." Unfortunately it didn't stop there. Here's the short list.
Papal Mass (alt.) - A unit of measurement based on the physical density of the Pope (or papal density).
Papal Mess - What happens when the Pope forgets to put the top on the blender before starting it.
Papal Miss - What you get when the Catholic Church finally allows the Pope to get married.
Papal Moss - What happens when the Pope lies still in the forest too long and lichen begins to grow on him.
Papal Mist - The Pope's own brand of lemon-lime soda.
Papal Mast - Part of the Pope's boat.
This is what happens when I spend too long in a car by myself. So remember kids, don't ever get a job that requires you to drive a lot and if you are lost in the forest moss always grows on the north side of the Pope.
Kiwifruit
I started thinking about this recently when the Pope visited the United States. During the intense (okay, so intense and papal visit don't quite go together) news coverage the term Papal mass kept coming up. Of course, as everyone knows, this comes from the terms, mass, meaning a Catholic service, and papal, a term which encompasses all thing pope. It a Catholic service done by the Pope.
This however was not my first thought. My first thought was that it sounds like something the doctor would find during a routine exam. "Well, once we remove the papal mass from your side you should be fine." Unfortunately it didn't stop there. Here's the short list.
Papal Mass (alt.) - A unit of measurement based on the physical density of the Pope (or papal density).
Papal Mess - What happens when the Pope forgets to put the top on the blender before starting it.
Papal Miss - What you get when the Catholic Church finally allows the Pope to get married.
Papal Moss - What happens when the Pope lies still in the forest too long and lichen begins to grow on him.
Papal Mist - The Pope's own brand of lemon-lime soda.
Papal Mast - Part of the Pope's boat.
This is what happens when I spend too long in a car by myself. So remember kids, don't ever get a job that requires you to drive a lot and if you are lost in the forest moss always grows on the north side of the Pope.
Kiwifruit
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The Ups and Downs of Optimissim
Thing #105: People used to read this blog.
Do they still? I'm not sure. For all the months I posted I had no idea, but lately I have been reading through old posts and have found comments from many readers I never knew we had. I confess it gives me a new found ferver for posting on a more regular basis. I shall endeavor to be a more optimisstic person in the future.
Except maybe when it comes to the Flyers. I tried being optimistic, but that got me nowhere. One more game and we're done for the post season.
Ah, it's good to be back.
The Chimp, back and better than ever
Do they still? I'm not sure. For all the months I posted I had no idea, but lately I have been reading through old posts and have found comments from many readers I never knew we had. I confess it gives me a new found ferver for posting on a more regular basis. I shall endeavor to be a more optimisstic person in the future.
Except maybe when it comes to the Flyers. I tried being optimistic, but that got me nowhere. One more game and we're done for the post season.
Ah, it's good to be back.
The Chimp, back and better than ever
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Pirates, Lions, and Oxen, Oh My
Thing #104: Pirate, Lion, & Oxen Camp is an almost perfect anagram of Maxon & Lupia Reception.
I learned this through my father who spent a good deal of time perfecting this during my cousin's (the Maxon half) wedding reception. Now, you may be wondering why he would do this. More likely you see what's coming. He, with the help of my uncle and cousin, who will remain unnamed (not as in they were never given names, but as in I am not going to tell you it was Uncle Harry and James), ran a special ops mission to rearrange the letters on the sign outside the conference room to read this. I even helped at one point when I saw a hotel employee heading their direction while looking for my wife. Noticing the three of them suspiciously crowded around said sign and well aware of their masterful scheme, I simply walked beside said employee creating a visual barrier to their activity. I was headed that way anyway.
Overall, it was a good weekend. I got to see my parents, who flew up from Alabama for the wedding. Djere got married. The Flyers finished off the Canadiens in five games. I hustled my dad and Uncle Dave at pool (with some help from Aunt Pam and sheer luck). It was fun.
Kiwifruit
I learned this through my father who spent a good deal of time perfecting this during my cousin's (the Maxon half) wedding reception. Now, you may be wondering why he would do this. More likely you see what's coming. He, with the help of my uncle and cousin, who will remain unnamed (not as in they were never given names, but as in I am not going to tell you it was Uncle Harry and James), ran a special ops mission to rearrange the letters on the sign outside the conference room to read this. I even helped at one point when I saw a hotel employee heading their direction while looking for my wife. Noticing the three of them suspiciously crowded around said sign and well aware of their masterful scheme, I simply walked beside said employee creating a visual barrier to their activity. I was headed that way anyway.
Overall, it was a good weekend. I got to see my parents, who flew up from Alabama for the wedding. Djere got married. The Flyers finished off the Canadiens in five games. I hustled my dad and Uncle Dave at pool (with some help from Aunt Pam and sheer luck). It was fun.
Kiwifruit
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