End Tables Aweigh

Thing #152: End tables can float.

I learned this one the other day when I came upon and end table in the middle of my lane on a back road. Being a concerned citizen I put on my four-way flashers and hopped out of my car, into the pouring rain, to remove the safety hazard. Once I was out of the car, another car pulled up behind mine and proceeded to wait for me. Being, again, a concerned citizen, I quickly thrust the table to the side of the road in order to keep traffic moving (up here, two cars are traffic).

That's when I noticed the end table had lifted its anchors and was floating "merrily, merrily, merrily, gently down the stream." In this case said stream was actually more of a large storm drain bursting its banks. So, being, as we have established, a concerned citizen, I quickly ran to the back of my car, rescued the end table from the raging waters, and securely placed it on the side of the road where its owner could find it if he/she/it/they so desired. It was gone when I went by today. <------------(This is a rather abrupt ending.)

Kiwifruit

One Kiwi Show

Thing #149: Phil posts more on this blog than any of the other contributers.

Now I am sure your wondering how I know this. No, your probably thinking "That's obvious, I read the blog and I can count." Well, it probably should have been obvious to me, but I actually didn't come to this conclusion from counting his posts.

The truth is, I was scrolling through the blog, as I do every day wishing there was a new post to read, when I noticed the list on the side of labels used on each post. The labels were ordered according to how many posts carried that particular one. At the very top of the list was 'Katherine' with 17, and at a close second 'food' with 16. Yep, that just screams Phil.

Not a quality post, but it's something to be sure, and all your going to get out of me at 4:18 a.m.

At least next time I check the blog I'll see something new, even if I did post it.

Here's to post 150! May it be better than this one.

Goodnight.

The Chimp

I Know You're Reading This

Thing #139: Somebody checks this blog on Tuesday.

I know this because I have a tracker set up to send me emails. Everytime I get it it looks something like this

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As you might assume, I did not put much work into this recreation. Also, you might assume that the dash way up in the air represents Tuesday. It does. So, to whomever checks us out Tuesday, however many people you might be, more power to you.

Also, to whomever is not checking us out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, I say, "Why not?!"

I'll give Friday a break. Really, who's lame enough to check a blog post on Friday . . . Oh, wait, that'd be me.

Kiwifruit

Little Bo.... Jenkins?

Thing #135: I am a geek.

Ok, so some of you knew this already, but I didn't realize it. Perhaps I knew I had some, shall we say nerd like tendencies, but I had no idea how deep it went.

The new expansion for world of warcraft came out on Nov. 12. Ian and I had been eagerly awaiting the game's release for months, but as the date grew near we began to fear not being able to find a copy so we did what anyone with nerd like tendencies would, we preordered it. Ian stopped at our local gamestop and payed the man in full for two copies of the wrath of the lich king.

Ok, so we preordered a game, no big deal. It gets worse. On Nov. 12 we stood in line with all off the other geeks at said gamestop so that we could recieve our copies the very moment they went on sale, 12:01 a.m. Nov. 13.

The more I sit here the more I realize I have always been a nerd. I remember dragging my brother to walmart at midnight the day the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring went on sale on DVD. I didn't preorder it though. And in neither instance did I dress up in a silly costume! Instead Ian and I stood in line with everyone else talking excitedly about the new game and our characters, and of course, what we would have dressed up as if we had worn costumes!*

The Chimp

*A mage with a polymorphed sheep.

The Dip Guy

Thing #134: I am the dip master.

This is a strange sentance, so let me clarify. I made a lovely guacamole dip for our bible study tonight. As we all munched on it, I got talking to Jim, our small group leader, about all the great dips I make with our mini-blender. As the list went on, I began to realize I have a bit of an obsession, or rather another obsession to add the list, right between politics and coming up with ideas for television series. Yes, I love dip. In fact Jim dubbed me the 'dip guy' and suggested we start a business with me making dips and him making something involving wontons which I could neither spell, nor pronounce. Personally, I hope the new moniker doesn't stick.

Kiwifruit (AKA, the Dip Guy)

Wired

Thing #129: I am a complete nerd.

Don't get me wrong, I already knew that I was a nerd, but a complete nerd? It turns out, this is true. It all started with a trip to the mall. Now, normally I don't like malls, but this time I knew there would be dinner involved, specifically one of those Chinese places where you get 3 meats and a side for $5.50. So I went.

When Katherine and I first arrived, we headed to the food court, past a music/movie store with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Barack Obama and John McCain prominently displayed in the window. So I did what any normal American would do. I had my wife take a picture of me in front of them and sent it to everyone in my family. This does not make me a complete nerd. It just means I happen to enjoy having my picture taken with cardboard cutouts/statues/action figures of famous people. (So far I also have Mahatma Ghandi and Ryan Seacrest. I never thought I'd mention them in the same sentence.)

Then we went to Best Buy and my wife and I convinced each other to buy a wireless router. This is where the nerd came out. Katherine dropped me off at home and went grocery shopping. I spent the better part of the next hour setting up the router, playing with the settings, and sharing our printer. Then we both took our places at our respective computers. Katherine went online and checked out various web pages. I, on the other hand, began pulling up shared folders, pinging her computer, attempting to hack her computer, and generally bothering her with all the cool stuff I could do on our new network. She was underwhelmed. Oh well, I'm going to go find some more thing to do on our network.

Kiwifruit

Win Your Neighbor

Thing #127: It is impossible for a candidate to win the US Presidency without winning at least 2 states that border each other.

I'm about 94.6% sure of this after about 45 minute of trying to do it on NPR's interactive election map. Also two 'v's (vv) and a 'w' look very similar on CAPTCHA's. CAPTCHA's if you didn't know are those oddly shaped letters that you have to decipher in order to post on, say, this blog. I learned that a couple of weeks ago.

Kiwifruit

The State of Birthdays

Thing #110: It is not socially acceptable to draw a picture of the State of New York on the envelope of someone's birthday card.

This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.

Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.

We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.

Kiwifruit

Stalling Out On Memory Lane

Thing #100: I love special events.

You know things like the Superbowl, the Stanley Cup Playoffs (GO FLYERS!!!), Series/Season Finales on TV, Weddings, 100th Blog Posts. Yes, it's true, this is my 100th blog post. And it only took 3 -1/2 years. 2-1/2 if you don't count the missing year (2007, 0 posts). At any rate this seems like as good a time as any to look back and say, "What were we thinking?!" So, now the moment you have absolutely not been waiting for . . .

THE TOP 10 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED:

10. You can fix a sandal with ducttape (Thing #58, MacGyver Could've, 06-20-05)

9. The best way to get instant name recognition in a group, is to bring cookies. (Thing #92, Now All I Need Is Some Milk, 03-02-08)

8. Severed chicken heads can be cute. (Thing #80, Chicken Heads and Other Items, 01-16-06)

7. Just because you think someone you know may have liked a movie, doesn't mean you should rent the remake. (Thing #74, Be Careful Whom You Fly With, 12-24-05)

6. Before removing the LED from an FS-C5016 (This is a color printer) you must "sufficiently do let escape the static electricity which is electrified in the human body concerning the metal part and the like of the aqueduct faucet, after that do work.*" (Thing #88, Like an Aqueduct, Eh?, 02-28-08)

5. If your boss leaves you to answer phones and they don't ring for a long period of time, get suspicious. (Thing# 48, Your Call Is Very Important to Us . . ., 05-20-05)

4. If the teacher asks, "Do they still throw chairs on Jerry Springer?" Don't be too quick to answer. (Thing #33, And You Know This How?, 01-20-05)

3. Handzi the stuffed sloth can fit all the way through the ice dispenser on our refrigerator. (Thing # 1, It Begins, 11-24-04)

2. When you go to take off a flat tire, make sure the parking brake is engaged. (Thing #41, On a Roll, 04-21-05)

1. There are some problems that can only be solved with an eight pound sledge-hammer. (Thing #47, WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!, 05-17-05)

There you have it. I was going to do commentary on each one, but that seems a bit excessive now. Maybe I'll save that for 200. I will, however, copy the footnote that goes with the asterisk on #6. Aren't I so nice.

Kiwifruit

*- Kyocera KM-5016 Service Manual (Rev. 1.4)

Laughing Like A Danish

Thing #99: Every letter in Matt is the first on it's respective number on a standard cell phone.

I just programmed my friend Matt's new number in my phone. I thought this was cool. In case you haven't notice I could have major surgery (which I haven't) and you would never know from reading this blog, but this make it on here. Personally I think these insights are much more interesting. So do the 0 people who read my blog regularly. You can't argue with statistics.

Also, you should know that I was going to blog on here about what a good sense of humor the Danes have, and how the world would be so much better if we were all like them. That would've been silly. In case you were wondering Matt isn't Danish. He might like danishes, but then again, who doesn't? Think about that for while. Then go have a danish.

Kiwifruit















P.S. I accidently leaned on the enter button and didn't want all the enters to go to waste. Excited about post 100? Oh well, at least I am.

Directions, Por Favor

Thing #91: You can effectively Google directions from Barcelona, Spain to Oslo, Norway.

You cannot however get to Beijing, China. Darned Communist era information bans. It all started simply enough. I looked at some streets, got directions to and from pertinent places. Then, I just got curious. Also, I ate dinner on a cardboard box tonight. It was good.

Kiwifruit

File Under Procrastination

Thing #89: I can give my blog labels.

I guess I'm a bit of an organizational freak. I just love the though of all 89 and counting blog posts being neatly sorted by subject, ect. I promised myself I'd be off by 7:20. I haven't made it. Now, if only I could organize my real files this well.

Kiwifruit

P.S. Katherine, I am also getting the list of things you left me done. (Insert innocent smile here.)

Just Aim For the Wall

Thing #86: Racquetball is a great sport.

I have to admit, I've never known much about racquetball. Most I knew that it was play with a ball, a racket, and rich people. Then my wife discovered they have racquetball courts at our local YMCA, where we're members. Turns out, she has some history with the sport, so we tried it. I love it.

There are several reasons I love this sport. For starters, hitting the wall is a GOOD thing. If you hit the wall in any other sport it's a bad thing. Think basketball, baseball, stock car racing, bowling, darts . . . the list goes on. Now, hitting a tiny goal, or a series of pins, these are problematic for me. I can sure as heck hit a wall . . . most of the time anyway.

In addition to the great size of the target, you get a reward when you hit it. THWACK!!!!!! Yes, the sound of the ball smacking the wall is my great reward. Just for fun, I like to see how many walls/ceilings/floors I can hit it off . . . or I'm just too lazy to go after the ball.

Finally, practically the entire room is an echo chamber. This certainly made the instruction phase more interesting. By the time Katherine was on the fifth word, I could still here the first four. This is my excuse for having no idea how the game is played, other than hitting the wall with the ball. Maybe I'll look into that later. For now, I'll just aim for a wall . . . any wall.

The Coca-Cola Currency Exchange

Coke machines are more than just blatent commercialistic attempts to get our cold cash for a cold drink. They are also magical boxes of transformation for change.

I was going to do my laundry today. I dug through my change jar, sorting through loads of useless nickels and dimes, desperately seeking quarters for this endevour. Two loads, at $1 for washing and another for drying comes to 16 quarters total. I had nine.

So, I went and started washing with the 8 quarters I did have and plotted my next move. I would go down to the cafe in one corner of campus and take out some cash as I had none. Then I would go to the other corner of campus and turn that cash into change at Environmental Services, the location of the only coin changer on campus.

Now, granted, this all hinged upon the assumption that the coin changer was operational, which is a very big assumption. It never seems to be operational, when I need it. I've heard rumors that at times it does work, but they are as of yet unconfirmed.

The final leg of my journey would bring me back to the laundry room at the other corner of campus. So, I entered my room, grabbed my wallet and keys, and headed out, locking the door behind me. That's when I saw Ian, my roommate.

Ian, you see, always has loads of change in his drawer, so, I asked him if I could borrow some and give him cash in a little bit. He kindly obliged, but was low on change for a change. I told him I'd be fine but he insisted.

So, he gave me the last of his quarters and two dimes and a nickel.

"Just put these in the Coke machine and press the coin return," he said, "It'll give you back a quarter."

"Really?" I replied.

"Yeah, but don't use the Pepsi machine. It doesn't work. Confounded new-fangled technology."

I swiftly returned Ian's change and went back to the change jar. I counted out 8 sets of dimes and nickels, for good measure, and rushed down to the laundry room.

I arrived and shoved two dimes and nickel in. I pressed the coin return and like magic a quarter came out. I proceed with the rest of my change, transfixed with childlike awe on the process. It was amazing . . .

Flaming Kiwifruit.