No Post For Christmas

Thing #141: Just because it is Christmas, it doesn't mean you have a sudden surge of inspiration.

For lack of said inspiration I will simply say:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Now I have to go find baby Jesus so I can put him in our manger.

And seriously, have a good Christmas.

Kiwifruit

Hats Off to the Dust Speck

Thing #140: The Cat in the Hat lives on a speck of dust.

So, Katherine and I have been taking care of a young child this week, and as a consequence have been revisiting some of our cherished childhood films. It really explains alot. In the course of this, we'll call it 'research,' I've discovered the above fact. The following paragraphs will lay out my case, in detail.

We'll start with The Grinch. This is of course the beloved Dr. Suess character who, in 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas,' attempted to stop the Whos in aptly-named Whoville from having Christmas by commiting a number of felonies, including theft, breaking and entering, and the unthinkable treenapping. Upon returning to Whoville with an enlarged heart (which he is never treated for), The Grinch returns the gifts, trees, and various other Christmas items (with the exception of one "Very Gaither Christmas" CD, fortunately lost off the top of the mountain.) He is subsequently given a place of great honor carving the roast beast.

Fast forward to the near future when Whoville has grown from a small villiage to a thriving metropolis complete with skyscrapers, a clock tower, and several Starbucks. This is the setting for the follow-up film, 'Horton Hears a Who.' It is in this film that it is established that Whoville is actually located on a speck of dust. Thus, in order to interact with the Whos, the Grinch must also reside on said speck of dust. To complete this theory I will turn to the final film of note, 'The Grinch Grinches the Cat in the Hat,' in which the Grinch, presumably before his heart enlargement, does or attempts to do, a variety of unkind things to the aforemention Cat in the Hat. Thus, the Cat in the Hat must live on the same speck of dust as the Grinch and the Whos. Which begs the question, "Why did we never see any meaningful interaction between the Cat and the Whos?" I smell a conspiracy.

Kiwifruit

P.S. My apologies to anyone who actually spent time reading this.

I Know You're Reading This

Thing #139: Somebody checks this blog on Tuesday.

I know this because I have a tracker set up to send me emails. Everytime I get it it looks something like this

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As you might assume, I did not put much work into this recreation. Also, you might assume that the dash way up in the air represents Tuesday. It does. So, to whomever checks us out Tuesday, however many people you might be, more power to you.

Also, to whomever is not checking us out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, I say, "Why not?!"

I'll give Friday a break. Really, who's lame enough to check a blog post on Friday . . . Oh, wait, that'd be me.

Kiwifruit

A Blank Stair

Thing #138: Taking the stairs may be better for your health, but it can sure be tricky.

I have a confession to make . . . I've been trying to be healthier. Hard to believe, coming from the guy who once bragged about eating a sandwich made from an entire loaf of French bread, but it's true. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables, going to the gym, and, yes, taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

I found this can have disadvantages though. Truth be told, taking the stairs is a leap into the unknown. To make my case I invoke the following three examples.

The first came in a medical building. I merrily pressed my way up the stairs to the third floor, only to find myself in the middle of some sort of surgical unit. I think it may have be a recovery area or something, but I honestly didn't stay long enough to find out (the man with the industrial toolbox sticks out in such a place). I got directions from a nearby nurse to where the elevator would have come out and headed that direction.

Then, last week, I went to the eighth floor of an eight story building. I decided to take the stairs down. They stopped on the sixth floor, so I decided to go back to the eighth floor and use the elevator there. This would've been a great plan had the door back onto the eighth floor not been locked from the inside. About that time, I noticed the entire stairwell was under construction as was the seventh floor. So, I waited on the eighth floor until someone walked by and banged on the door as hard as I could. Then, I took the elevator.

But this is nothing compared to today. Today I was in a second floor office when I noticed a door at the back with a white piece of paper taped to it. It read "Do Not Use. No Stairs." I decided not to try this one. From now on I think I'll just take the elevator and do jumping jacks the whole way up. That sounds much safer.

Kiwifruit

So It Begins...

Thing #137: The holidays are a time for family, fun, food, and home renovations.

Every year as the holiday season draws near there are so many wonderful things I look forward to: spending time with friends and family, Christmas shopping, delicious holiday meals. There is, however, one thing I don't look quite as forward to: the home renovations.

You see, my parents have this crazy idea that the hectic holiday season is the best time to tackle huge projects, such as redoing a bathroom. I came home from work today eager for leftover turkey and stuffing from this mornings church meal, which I sadly had to miss, followed by some early Christmas shopping. I walked in the door, dropped my coat on the coat rack. Five minutes later my parents came through the door from Lowes with an armload of supplies. The new tile is going up, the sink may even work after this round of renovations!

I suppose in some small way it wouldn't really feel like the Holidays without the piles of ripped out shelving on the porch, the new tile stacked in the dining room, and the sound of construction echoing down the hall. Its just one more of those family traditions we've developed over the years. So the holiday season has officially begun, and there will be much more of friends and family, food and presents, tile and grout, and all that other great holiday stuff in the coming month. Here's wishing you all a great Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas!

The Chimp

Stop and Smell the Tea Leaves

Thing #136: Closed caption is not a reliable news source.

Sitting in Arby's today eating lunch, I found myself watching the news. As usual, the volume was extremely low and the other lunch goers quite loud, so I had to rely on the closed caption. The anchor was talking about the auto crisis and the possibility of a bailout. He said something about the American people being disgruntled by this, followed by, and I quote directly from the closed caption, "But, if you read the tea leaves and count the noses you will see that..."

Hmmm... I hadn't thought about that. I just counted four noses (two human, one cat, one dog) and the tea leaves didn't appear to be written in English, and still I am no closer to understanding the Detroit auto crisis.This is why I never watch the news and avoid all things political. Way too confusing.

The Chimp

Little Bo.... Jenkins?

Thing #135: I am a geek.

Ok, so some of you knew this already, but I didn't realize it. Perhaps I knew I had some, shall we say nerd like tendencies, but I had no idea how deep it went.

The new expansion for world of warcraft came out on Nov. 12. Ian and I had been eagerly awaiting the game's release for months, but as the date grew near we began to fear not being able to find a copy so we did what anyone with nerd like tendencies would, we preordered it. Ian stopped at our local gamestop and payed the man in full for two copies of the wrath of the lich king.

Ok, so we preordered a game, no big deal. It gets worse. On Nov. 12 we stood in line with all off the other geeks at said gamestop so that we could recieve our copies the very moment they went on sale, 12:01 a.m. Nov. 13.

The more I sit here the more I realize I have always been a nerd. I remember dragging my brother to walmart at midnight the day the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring went on sale on DVD. I didn't preorder it though. And in neither instance did I dress up in a silly costume! Instead Ian and I stood in line with everyone else talking excitedly about the new game and our characters, and of course, what we would have dressed up as if we had worn costumes!*

The Chimp

*A mage with a polymorphed sheep.

The Dip Guy

Thing #134: I am the dip master.

This is a strange sentance, so let me clarify. I made a lovely guacamole dip for our bible study tonight. As we all munched on it, I got talking to Jim, our small group leader, about all the great dips I make with our mini-blender. As the list went on, I began to realize I have a bit of an obsession, or rather another obsession to add the list, right between politics and coming up with ideas for television series. Yes, I love dip. In fact Jim dubbed me the 'dip guy' and suggested we start a business with me making dips and him making something involving wontons which I could neither spell, nor pronounce. Personally, I hope the new moniker doesn't stick.

Kiwifruit (AKA, the Dip Guy)

The Black Hole Ate my Witty Title...

Thing #133: There is a black hole in our blog.

Firstly, it ate post #130.

Secondly, It swallows up all my inspiration every time I open the blog with the intention of posting. I sit, my fingers posed over the keyboard, ready to type, and then I feel this pull as the ideas are slowly drained from me. That's my explaination for my lack of posts recently.

Thirdly, Most of the page is black. So it must be a black hole.

All right, this proved my point. I posted, but all the usual wit, creativity, and inspiration were sucked out of this post before I ever hit the 'publish post' button. Perhaps we will look into fixing this problem.... assuming there is a way to 'fix' a black hole.

The Chimp

There Goes the Left Leg

Thing #132: Clay, in addition to being heavy, is a menacing substance that, given the opportunity will suck half of your leg into itself.

I learned this working at our church's property this weekend. This is why I came home sore and half covered in muddy clay. Really, this is the only thing I could think of to post about. It's sad. I hope that it will get better.

Kiwifruit.

It Being Determined That Said Blogger Is A Nerd . . .

Thing #131: According to Article I, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution "the Vice-President of the United States shall be President of the Senate."

This question came up in last nights debate after Sarah Palin mention that the VP has the power to preside over the Senate. Joe Biden quickly 'corrected' her explaining that said VP can only vote when there is a tie and has no power to preside over the Senate. I thought he was right. He wasn't. Rather he was right that that is the only time a VP gets to vote, but not in whether or not the VP presides over the Senate.

Anyway, after watching the debate, I ran across someone pointing out this mistake while reading about the debate online. Then, after work today I did what any normal American citizen who has a question about government would do. I grabbed my copy of the U.S. constitution and started reading. After skimming it three times, I read more carefully and discovered the aforementioned sentence.

Naturally, after finding this out I had to take the chance to actually pull out an article and section of the Constitution like they always did on The West Wing. It makes me feel smart.

Kiwifriut

P.S. Thing #130 has not been skipped, it's just waiting to be completed. This may or may not happen. I can actually count.

Wired

Thing #129: I am a complete nerd.

Don't get me wrong, I already knew that I was a nerd, but a complete nerd? It turns out, this is true. It all started with a trip to the mall. Now, normally I don't like malls, but this time I knew there would be dinner involved, specifically one of those Chinese places where you get 3 meats and a side for $5.50. So I went.

When Katherine and I first arrived, we headed to the food court, past a music/movie store with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Barack Obama and John McCain prominently displayed in the window. So I did what any normal American would do. I had my wife take a picture of me in front of them and sent it to everyone in my family. This does not make me a complete nerd. It just means I happen to enjoy having my picture taken with cardboard cutouts/statues/action figures of famous people. (So far I also have Mahatma Ghandi and Ryan Seacrest. I never thought I'd mention them in the same sentence.)

Then we went to Best Buy and my wife and I convinced each other to buy a wireless router. This is where the nerd came out. Katherine dropped me off at home and went grocery shopping. I spent the better part of the next hour setting up the router, playing with the settings, and sharing our printer. Then we both took our places at our respective computers. Katherine went online and checked out various web pages. I, on the other hand, began pulling up shared folders, pinging her computer, attempting to hack her computer, and generally bothering her with all the cool stuff I could do on our new network. She was underwhelmed. Oh well, I'm going to go find some more thing to do on our network.

Kiwifruit

Gone With the Wind

Thing #128: If the remnants of a major hurricane are heading towards your area, it's wise to secure your trash can.

I'm sure everyone's heard by now about Ike the hurricane that tore across America. We in Northern New York ususually don't worry too much about hurricanes, for the same reason people in Miami don't usually worry about snowstorms, they don't usually occur here. However, last night the in its final blow Ike tore through the area blowing over trees and taking down large swaths of the local power grid.

So, when I got up this morning and I had power and none of my trees were down, and my tomato plant was still sitting merrily on my porch roof, I thought nothing was amiss. That is until I went down with a load of stinky trash to put it in our cheap plastic garbage can. It seems said can took this as the perfect opportunity to runaway to some home with trash that is less stinky. Oh, well, c'est la vie (Two years of French and that's about all I know). Next time I'm tying the can to the tomato plant.

Kiwifruit

Win Your Neighbor

Thing #127: It is impossible for a candidate to win the US Presidency without winning at least 2 states that border each other.

I'm about 94.6% sure of this after about 45 minute of trying to do it on NPR's interactive election map. Also two 'v's (vv) and a 'w' look very similar on CAPTCHA's. CAPTCHA's if you didn't know are those oddly shaped letters that you have to decipher in order to post on, say, this blog. I learned that a couple of weeks ago.

Kiwifruit

What's That Smell?

Thing #126: Covering up bad smells doesn't always work.

I guess this one's a little obvious, but true, none the less!

You see, it began yesterday with an... interesting smell coming from the bathroom. Ok, so I know what you're all thinking, but this wasn't your ordinary bathroom "interesting smell". Last night the smell was still there, only stronger. That's when Ian and I were finally able to identify the odor as it had a very distinct scent to it, the smell of something dead.

Having confirmed that some small critter must have died somewhere in the wall/basement/attic didn't help much. It still smelled. The solution? Mom lit a delicious mocha scented candle and stuck it in the bathroom. Which leads me to the covering up smells part. I wandered in to brush my teeth and mom came by to ask if it smelled any better. The answer? No. Now, instead of smelling like something died in the wall, it smells like something died in a cup of coffee... Oh well. Now is the part where we scour the walls/basement/attic and try to discover the source.

The Chimp

(Ok Kiwi, what did I spell wrong this time?)

Poolside Epiphanies

Thing #125: Never leave a pastor alone with a bowl of potatoe salad.

Sunday was bright and sunny, a good day to have our monthly church fellowship dinner at a house with a pool. We swam, we fellowshipped, we had fun. Then came time to eat.

Whoever said pot luck dinners were horrible... well, you're right, they typically are, but not this one! We had steak, baked potatoes, potatoe and pasta salads, bread, and enough sweets to decay every tooth in America!

There was one problem, I barely got any potatoe salad, definately one of the highlights of the dinner, and many people didn't get any at all. After we ate, a few of us stood around discussing the situation and it went something like this:

Me: "It was delicious. I barely got any!"
Mom: "Your father almost didn't! And the pastor's wife didn't get any except what she scraped off the serving spoon."

This is the point where the pastor walked up.

Pastor: "That's all right. Tell her I ate enough for both of us!"
Church member: "I didn't get any either."
Pastor: "Well I had plenty!"

The moral of the story: Don't leave your potatoe salad unguarded with a pastor around. It may not be there when you get back. Other things I learned at the pool include:

-If you give water guns to people in a pool, they will shoot them at the dry people not in the pool.

-Don't try to toss people in. They may land on the cement around the pool instead. (Don't worry, he was ok, just a slightly banged up knee.)

-If you help the small child out of the pool every time they scream "OUT!" they will continue to scream it every time.

-Small children's floation devices are not suitable for 200+ pound men. (Yes, this was my father.)

All joking aside, It was a blast, and next time, mom will just have to make a larger bowl of potatoe salad!

The Chimp

Hidden In Plain Sight

Thing #124: It's never too late to realize how brilliant a song line is.

So, I'm sitting on my futon playing my guitar a few minutes ago when I have a revelation, or maybe an epiphany. I'm not sure what it takes to get to the level of 'epiphany', so I'll just go with revelation. Anyway, I'm playing this song, "Close of Autumn" by Caedmon's Call. Now I first heard this song in 1997 or so and learned to play it several years ago. Then I run across the following line.

"I guess I'll drop my anger here/Before I float away"

I always thought it was a neat line, and felt like there was something different about that I could put my finger on. Now, I know your probably wonder what it is, but you probably already know. It's just a bit obvious, especially when you read it aloud. This is clearly a play on the similarity, soundwise, of anger and anchor. It took me far too many years to catch that. Brilliant.

Kiwifruit

Welcome Homes

Thing #123: Both of the guys running for president have a lot of money.

As you can imagine this was quite a shock for me. I just always assumed that all politician were good hearted saints who gave all of thier money to the poor, at least all the money they haven't spent helping save cute little puppies.

Seriously, though, now we've got this huge flap about John McCain having loads of houses, which they seem to have countered by pointing out that Barack Obama has a multi-million dollar home and, it seems, a private beach. Personally, I'm glad. I mean would you want to trust your countries future with a guy living out of a cardboard box? I certainly wouldn't.

This, to me, just drives home the point that it's much better to pay close attention to the presidential primaries and then just ignore everything until it's time to vote. The primaries were a constant debate about ideas, hopes, and plans, the meat of a campaign. Now we get Obama being compared to Paris Hilton and John McCain mocked for having a lot of real estate. Can anyone say middle school. (I realize most middle-schooler have neither houses nor Paris Hilton, it's a metaphor about petty name calling.)

So I hope somebody from these campaigns reads this, because, that would be just cool. And it would mean someone was actually reading this. But also, maybe then we could get some discussion of the issues that really matter. Like how may cars Obama has.

Kiwifruit

Beauty and the Beast

Thing #122: Men are civilized, women are savage...

I know, the last thing you expected to hear. And I'm sure many of you are laughing so hard it is difficult to read (Especially you women). But, it is the truth!

I have worked in retail long enough to know that when women shop, they transform into monstrous beasts that tear through your store leaving a trail of destruction. And men, well they transform too. They may be too stubborn to ask for directions on the road, but when a man walks into a woman's clothing store, they become timid and helpless creatures.

To illustrate my point, I will lay out two scenarios for you.

Scenario A:

Man goes into clothing store. He is looking for a shirt, but only because his wife FINALLY threw away all of his old ones that were ragged and full of holes.
He wanders around for a bit looking at shelfs and racks and tables with wide, fearful eyes. Suddenly, he sees a shirt. He decides he likes it, so he quickly grabs said shirt in every color available and proceeds to the check out.

Scenario B:

Woman goes into clothing store. She isn't looking for anything in particular.
She proceeds to the first rack, picking up, moving, and generally pawing through every item. Then the next rack, and the next.
Slowly, the beast begins to emerge. She begins to pick things up, walk around, toss them back on shelfs they don't belong on.
She heads next to the beautiful table displays. By now her transformation is in full swing. She goes into a frenzy, unfolding every shirt and tossing them all back in a pile on the table, the beauty now gone.
Finally she makes her way to the dressing room with the 14 items she has selected. She tries each one on, finally decides she hates the way she looks in everything and will buy nothing.
Before she leaves, she makes sure to take every one of her 14 items and put them back... in the wrong place.

So you see, I now spend my days and nights picking up the pieces left behind from these uncivilized encounters. I must now rest, and prepare to return on Monday, to try to bring some order to this chaos.

The Chimp

And the Gold Goes to Canada

Thing #121: NBC stinks.

This is a bit harsh, but not, I think unwarrented. You see I love the Olympics. Not that I would ever, ever . . . ever (no this is NOT to much emphasis) be able to actually compete in the Olympics. I once wanted to be an Olympic rowing, but then realized that never actually having rown or even been in a boat I should find a more realistic dream. I ended up with watching the Olympics, which is much more realistic.

NBC is 'covering' the Olympics, so I came home from work and turned on NBC. Then, my wife tells me that it's not on again until eight (3 hours away). I wait the whole time. Then turned said channel back on. It was men's syncronized swimming. Yes, there is such a thing. No, I did not want to watch it. I have since landed on the local Canadian station which is covering . . . rowing! I love Canada.

Kiwifruit

Where Oh Where Has My Little Tie Gone

Thing #120: It helps to be prepared, but if that fails, knowing someone who is more prepared works too.

I work at a job that requires a tie. I also work at a job that requires me to be out the door at 7:30ish. These facts when combined make for a situation in which I will once every month or two rush out the door sans tie. I am prepared.

I have a car tie. It's the tie that matches every shirt I own. It rides around in my car all day so when I forget I can slip it on and save face. No one likes to be the guy who forgot his tie. It worked well . . . until today. See, yesterday I forgot my tie. I also forgot to take my car tie off in the car. Then, I forgot my tie this morning.

I arrived at work at 7:50 with no tie. I also had no time to go back. I also had no iguanas in my car, but that doesn't really matter for this story. I had to think fast. Joe was in the car next to me. Joe is the newest tech we have, thus I felt it would be sensible to ask him if he had an extra tie. He did not. He did however mention that Jerry, our IT director might have one. So I went to Jerry's upstairs office.As soon as I walked in I knew I had hit the motherlode.

Each desk/table/computer in his office had a pile of ties the size of a large hill on it. I was stunned. So I asked him if he had a tie I could borrow. This is like asking Bill Gates if he had a couple of buck you could borrow. He said sure and I picked out a tie that would match my shirt. The moral of the story is never, ever bring your car tie in the house. An alternate moral would be it's good to know someone who keeps loads of ties on his person.

Kiwifruit

Old Fashioned Way

Thing #119 Film strips are still set up by hand

My husband and I have been frequenting the local drive in theatre. Last weekend was a great line-up of Wall-e and Get Smart. We talked about it all week and invited my sister to join us for the second movie. About ten minutes into the first feature I look and the picture is upside down and the audio is running backwards, it is starting to get annoying, I wonder is this pixars idea of a dream sequence? I think maybe it is just because he is upside down or something, I mean he is a robot and there is no diologue in this movie....eventually they stop the film and we wait while the projectionist fixes the reel. Yes, in this the digital age, there are still men who load the film. I know this because the elder projectionist stuck up a conversation with me about the new kid who put the film on for the first time while my sister was waiting for her mozzerella sticks to cook. He even gave me a piece of filmstrip to show me where the audio and picture are. Some things are still done the old fashioned way. 6 dollars a ticket and they don't charge an arm and a leg for popcorn either. You can bring your own even and sit in your lawnchair. That is why we love the drive in. I didn't know they still had to load the film, but I know that now.

Not the Max I Wanted to Know About

Thing #118: My company uses crude advertising tactics!

The Chef was greatly distressed today. He was working in his place in the print department which was toward the rear of the retail establishment where the Chef works (it shall herein remain unnamed).
He was merely minding his own buisness, when a customer walked past him and inquired where the location of the bathroom was, he pointed toward it and she looked up and said, where it says "Taking Your"?

He looked and also saw the phrase displayed prominently above the hallway to the bathroom, "Yes," he said, "that's it."

She walked past him toward the bathroom, and the Chef continued about his buisness. A few moments later however, he found himself over by the hallway entrance shaking his head as he stared at the rest of the phrase in utter bewilderment.

"Buisness to the Max" It boasted in bold lettering. "Taking Your buisness to the Max" sitting right above the hallway to the bathrooms...

Mork, Mork, Mork

Sweet Home Alabama . . .

Thing #117: The south is insidious.

I thought after more than a decade in Alabama, my family and I were relatively unscathed by the influence of the South. Sure the occasional 'ya'll' might escape our lips, but my dad still drinks unsweet tea, my mom talks like a Yankee, and I REFUSE to eat any part of a pig (except bacon) let alone EVERY part of a pig!

Sad but true, the south has finally reached us. I went outside tonight to find my dad and nephew shooting his newly acquired bb gun at empty playdo cans on the back deck. My husband and I came out and joined in the festivities. I'll point out when we came out, neither of my aforementioned relatives had been successful. My husband hit one of the containers on his first try, and I on my second.

Somewhere in the midst of all the fun, my nephew, dressed in his Alabama Crimson Tide shirt and matching baseball cap, said "Yep, this is what we do for fun here in Alabama." That's when it hit me . . . We are turning into rednecks. The next thing you know I'll be eating grits and saying fixin' and reckon . . .

The only way it could have been more southern is if they were beer cans, but being my nephew is underage and none of us drink, playdo cans were the next best thing.

The Chimp

Balloon Wars, Continued...

Thing #116: Balloons are naturally given to escaping.

As my colleague Kiwifruit mentioned earlier, balloons can sometimes be difficult things to deal with, however, what those difficulties pertain to can be be entirely opposing factors, for instance... Kiwi mentioned the malicious and destructive nature which some balloons possess, taking every opportunity to lash out at the world around them, on the flip side however, I would like to say a word about the elusive nature of balloons

To illustrate this I will use a few true childhood stories...

It was a Sunny Sunday afternoon, a group of children stood at the far end of a lobby inside of a church, at the other end a group of kid's camp counselors had just finished blowing up balloons and one of them stepped to the forefront, calling out that the kids may "proceed in orderly fashion over to where the counselors were and that they could each take one balloon of their choosing".

One boy (a.k.a. The Swedish Chef) was especially fond of balloons and was standing toward the front of the crowd, as soon as the "come over here and grab a balloon as fast as you possibly can" order was given the entire group of happy children surged on mass toward the balloons The Chef was younger than most and so was trampled underfoot by the throng, by the time he recovered his senses and stood back up on his feet all the balloons had been accounted for and the poor young Chef was out of luck.

Another time that same young man actually got a balloon and took it all the way home, once home he happily jumped out of his car and accidently tripped and fell, in dismay he watched his balloon drift down to the ground and touch the very tip of a single blade of grass... POW!

As if this isn't enough to illustrate the point...

Just recently the Chef was shopping at a prominent retail establishment on a certain holiday which embraces love, and romance, and all those wonderful mushy concepts... he was shopping for his wife and selected a large balloon in the shape of a big red heart which said "I Love You" simple, and accurate thought the Chef. He seized the balloon by the string and happily walked up to the awaiting cashier, still oblivious as to the transitory nature of his esteemed prize.

The cashier, snatched the balloon, yanked it forcefully downward, scanned it, and let it go... It flew up, it's string drawing tight, it's string not holding, it's string falling down the the ground as the actual balloon floated all the way to the very, very high ceiling...

The cashier didn't notice at first and after she did she and another lady began suggesting that the chef take a large ugly frog balloon which was holding a heart as a replacement... The Chef was very sad.

Fortuantely the Chef went shopping with his wife in that same retail establishment shortly after that and he pointed out to her the balloon he had meant to get... She seemed to enjoy it, even from far away...


Mork, Mork, Mork

We Can Finally Afford That Toothbrush You Wanted So Much

Thing #115: Nothing stimulates the economy like good dental hygeine.

So we finally got our much lauded "Stimulus Check." So what did we do with our hundreds of dollars in free* money. We bought new toothbrushes! YEAH!

The Kiwifruit

*-To be paid for by future generations at a later date.

And Then There Were Three . . .

Thing #114: The key to consistancy is getting other people to do stuff for you.

That's why we added at least one (1) new writer and possibly two (2). Now, let me just assuage any concerns you might have about our blog lower its standards. We don't have any. You know that. But, seriously, we have made sure that our new additions to the Things I Know family have all the qualities that make this blog great: a fascination with life, a random sense of humor, relation to the current writer by marriage and the inability to post on a regular basis.

Actually part of the idea is that if there are three (3) or four (4) of us posting here the liklihood of going long period without posting (i.e. 2007) go down at least a little. We'll see how that goes. At any rate, we welcome Sweet Talker, who just happens to my wife.

Kiwifruit

Man Vs. Balloon

Thing #113: Balloons are really wild, untamed beasts, bent on our destructions.

So, here it is, the previously foretold balloon post. About a week or two ago my wife and I were shopping for a new, used, cheap car. This, because she is looking at getting a new job that's not around the corner from the house. We had found a car she liked and thought nothing could get in our way. We were wrong.

We walked over to the car (which was on the opposite side of the lot from where the lady there sent us) and began checking it out. Of course, being a car lot it was filled with brightly colored balloons, streamers, and various other attention grabbing devices. I wondered which car was having a birthday but decided not to asked. This is when things turned nasty.

As I approached the car I noticed an innocent looking bright red balloon, which was tied to the car's antenna. I noticed it, because it was lunging straight at me. Naturally I thought this might be a good time to use my karate skills, but it's been many years since I took karate, so I just stood there dumbfounded while the balloon pummelled me several times before retreating back to its corner. I actually think I saw another balloon pouring water over its head and massaging its shoulders.

I know what you're thinking, "Man, this guys crazy. That balloon was probably just randomly blown by the wind." (If you weren't thinking this, go back and read that again while thinking it, so I can be right.) That's what I thought too, then it hit my wife. She pushed her way through and, before following her I looked the balloon squarely in the eyes, or rather where the eyes would have been, if it had had eyes and told it to back off. And then, it came at me. Wham!!! Needless to say I retreated as far away from the balloon as possible and stayed out of its range for the rest of the day. Next time, I'm carrying a safety pin with me.

Kiwifruit

One Tree at a Time . . .

Thing #112: There is more than one way to cut down on waste and save the environment.

I know this, because my mom has come up with a new way of reducing the waste we throw away each day.

You see, my family has a long history of being pack rats . . . sad but true. I myself have unfortunately fallen prey to this nasty little habit, but I am not so deeply entrenched in the need to save things as is my mother.

It all started a few days ago when I found a CD sitting on the CD rack by the computer. I pulled it out, and there, in said mother's handwriting, were the words 'Bad disc'. I had a good laugh about why it was labeled and not thrown away, showed it to the rest of the family, and then stuck it back in the CD rack . . .

But this was only the beginning! The next morning I woke up and was milling around the house. There had been a pot of oil on the stove in which my not entirely healthy husband had some oil to fry chicken, french fries, dog treats, and whatever else he could find to deep fry.

So . . I'm milling when my mom walks by and says, "Don't use the oil in the white pot, there is a fly in it!"

I am at this point thinking, "Oh, so she is warning me because it's still on the stove and she just hasn't gotten around to throwing it out yet."

I made my way to the kitchen to wrangle up some breakfast, and there on the counter I saw the pot of oil with something strange over it. I walked closer to find a piece of paper lying across the pot that said "Do not use, there is a fly in it!"





Yeah . . . what more can you say?






The moral of the story? We could all do our part to cut down on waste by keeping it in place and labeling it as trash instead of actually throwing it away.

The Chimp

Surely, It Stinketh

Thing #111: Maintaining the refrigerator is an important, yet trying task.

My wife left me in charge of defrosting the freezer and cleaning out the old leftovers in our refrigerator. The trouble is, our freezer door is broken in such a way that it doesn't close properly and has been known to leap out at unsuspecting victims (a.k.a. my wife) who then ask me to get food out of it so as to avoid another attack. I'm good at catching it. The problem with having a door like this (other than a good scare from it flying at your face) is that frost quickly builds up on edge of the freezer until it starts to look like what I see out my window from around December to March or April, snow covered hills.

It was a valiant effort. I didn't realize you could sweat while working in a freezer, but apparently you can, or at least, I can. After blow drying, chipping, and pounding my way through this, I moved on to the simple task of emptying out leftovers (and by simple, I mean gross). We're actually pretty good about getting rid of left-overs in a timely fashion, but this is the time when the ones that got lost in the back turn up.

As I prepared to open the first container, I was reminded of a Bible story. Yes, you heard that right. If you remember, when Jesus is about to raise Lazarus from the dead, Martha protest. She points out that he's been dead four days and surely it stinketh (in the KJV). Some part of me was similarly saying, "It's been in there X number of days! Surely it stinketh!" I persevered, doing my best not to breathe through my nose. Now, I just have to make certain everything got back in the fridge. Maybe later I'll tell you about my new theory on balloons.

Kiwifruit

The State of Birthdays

Thing #110: It is not socially acceptable to draw a picture of the State of New York on the envelope of someone's birthday card.

This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.

Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.

We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.

Kiwifruit

Happy Birthday Kiwi!

Thing# 109: My brother is a quarter of a century old!

I did not know this yesterday because it was not true yesterday. In honor of this special day, I have decided to collaborate with his parents and former roommate to compile a list of 25 things you may not know about Phil:

1. Phil is single handedly responsible for the death of countless pots, pans, and small appliances, including all those lost in the great 'Pecan Pie Massacre' and, I hear, a $10 mixer.

2. Phil can occupy every inch of space in front of a sink and counter while simultaneously being slower than humanly possible at getting ready.

3. Phil is a lover of nature. He once backed his car into a tree, got out, checked the tree with complete lack of concern for his car's well being, and drove to work.

4. Phil runs red lights and stops at green lights. Several long stories involved, but he has done both.

5. He can climb a telephone pole with his toenails. This is how he earned the nickname 'Bellsouth'. If you've seen his toenails, you understand.

6. His favorite colors are green and khaki.

7. He has a passion for cooking, especially grilling meat.

8. Little dogs love him and feel a compulsion to follow him for as long as possible after he walks by.

9. He once ran into a parked car.

10. He once set our front lawn on fire burning ant hills with gasoline. In his defense, he had help with this one.

11. He will wear a pair of sandals until they fall apart . . . then he will duct tape and super glue the pieces together and wear them until his wife finds out and throws them away.

12. He will take anything if it is free and buy anything if it says 'new' on the package.

13. He is an accomplished singer and songwriter, as well as guitar player.

14. He's unbeatable in the game Encore.

15. Everyone knows him. Growing up I was always "Phil's sister" and everywhere we went, somehow, at least a handful of people knew Phil.

16. He loves to take things apart and find out how they work, and unlike his dad, he can usually put them back together so they still work.

17. He's never had much fashion sense: The star shirt, the sailboat shirt, the sweat pants with the hole from his knee to his ankle . . .

18. He is blindingly white, but then, that is sort of a family trait.

19. When he was four years old he lined up all the kids in the playground and made them sit down and listen while he preached to them.

20. He typically has bad luck with birthdays, hopefully this year was different!

21. He's a pool hustler.

22. There is no counting the number of times he has locked his keys in his car . . . while it was running.

23. His snore is said to be something like a gas generator, a guerilla battle cry, and a dying moose . . . run through an amplifier.

24. He has his mother's sense of direction. He once got lost in the bath tub, and spent hours wheeling a copier around a building looking for the exit.

25. Everyone loves Phil. The first time I met my future in-laws, we brought Phil. When we left my roommate said, "I think they liked you . . . but they LOVED Phil!" I guess he's just a loveable guy!

Happy Birthday Phil! We love you!

Phil's Sister

The Sandals Weren't Made For Walking

Thing #108: Sandals and parades are not a good combination.

I was in a parade today. I know what your thinking, "Don't you have to be famous to be in a parade?" To which I would reply, "But I am famous." Just kidding. No, it turns out they just let anybody walk in parades these days. Case in point, I was in a parade today.

Now, logic and, coincidently, my wife would dictate that ratty, old flip-flops are not wise attire for a parade. Somehow, that little fact escaped me, even though my wife, as previously alluded to, pointed it out. You have to give me credit though, I did figure it out about halfway to the parade, when my feet started to hurt. That's right, I did say halfway to the parade, not halfway through it. We walked there. We barely made it. As we approached the pre-assigned meeting point, the parade started passing us.

We manage to catch up with the group from my wife's daycare, just as they were embarking. Then we walked. More. And I handed out strange paper hats to young children and couple of elderly people. It was good. My feet would disagree.

Kiwifruit


Is it just me, or do my posts tend to end rather abruptly?

The Universe, Peanuts, and the End of the World

Thing #107: The universe was brought to us in part by Planter's peanuts.

Strange but true. Apparently God had a little help from the peanut people, or so thinks the history channel. I was sitting on the couch watching a show about planets, black holes, and the likes, aptly named "The Universe" when all of the sudden as the commercials began I was notified of this fact. I wonder which part they were responsible for?

Either way, I must go now and quickly prepare for certain doom. As the show neared in end, they announced, and I quote, "Cosmic Apocalypse, coming up next."

As a side note, I also now know my blog has a spell check, which dad pointed out after trying to help me figure out to spell apocalypse. So I now I know it's spelled correctly.

The Chimp

A Papal Mess

Thing #106: There are endless possibilities for misusing the word "papal."

I started thinking about this recently when the Pope visited the United States. During the intense (okay, so intense and papal visit don't quite go together) news coverage the term Papal mass kept coming up. Of course, as everyone knows, this comes from the terms, mass, meaning a Catholic service, and papal, a term which encompasses all thing pope. It a Catholic service done by the Pope.

This however was not my first thought. My first thought was that it sounds like something the doctor would find during a routine exam. "Well, once we remove the papal mass from your side you should be fine." Unfortunately it didn't stop there. Here's the short list.

Papal Mass (alt.) - A unit of measurement based on the physical density of the Pope (or papal density).
Papal Mess - What happens when the Pope forgets to put the top on the blender before starting it.
Papal Miss - What you get when the Catholic Church finally allows the Pope to get married.
Papal Moss - What happens when the Pope lies still in the forest too long and lichen begins to grow on him.
Papal Mist - The Pope's own brand of lemon-lime soda.
Papal Mast - Part of the Pope's boat.

This is what happens when I spend too long in a car by myself. So remember kids, don't ever get a job that requires you to drive a lot and if you are lost in the forest moss always grows on the north side of the Pope.

Kiwifruit

The Ups and Downs of Optimissim

Thing #105: People used to read this blog.

Do they still? I'm not sure. For all the months I posted I had no idea, but lately I have been reading through old posts and have found comments from many readers I never knew we had. I confess it gives me a new found ferver for posting on a more regular basis. I shall endeavor to be a more optimisstic person in the future.

Except maybe when it comes to the Flyers. I tried being optimistic, but that got me nowhere. One more game and we're done for the post season.

Ah, it's good to be back.

The Chimp, back and better than ever

Pirates, Lions, and Oxen, Oh My

Thing #104: Pirate, Lion, & Oxen Camp is an almost perfect anagram of Maxon & Lupia Reception.

I learned this through my father who spent a good deal of time perfecting this during my cousin's (the Maxon half) wedding reception. Now, you may be wondering why he would do this. More likely you see what's coming. He, with the help of my uncle and cousin, who will remain unnamed (not as in they were never given names, but as in I am not going to tell you it was Uncle Harry and James), ran a special ops mission to rearrange the letters on the sign outside the conference room to read this. I even helped at one point when I saw a hotel employee heading their direction while looking for my wife. Noticing the three of them suspiciously crowded around said sign and well aware of their masterful scheme, I simply walked beside said employee creating a visual barrier to their activity. I was headed that way anyway.

Overall, it was a good weekend. I got to see my parents, who flew up from Alabama for the wedding. Djere got married. The Flyers finished off the Canadiens in five games. I hustled my dad and Uncle Dave at pool (with some help from Aunt Pam and sheer luck). It was fun.

Kiwifruit

Words, Part 2

Thing #103: Phrases are just as dangerous as words.

This afternoon, I was relaxing and playing guitar waiting for house guests to arrive for dinner, when my wife yells for me to come kill a bug. Being a man, I rushed in and slapped the offending insect with my hand. After Katherine left the room I noticed the bug was still moving, dying a slow painful death, so I began looking for something to kill it with. At this point, Katherine yelled from the kitchen to ask me if I would do some dishes. I, of course, wanted to kill the insect first and replied with, "First I want to finish this bug off." Completely innocent. This is when Katherine asked me what I said and I realized that responding to a request from your wife with a sentence that ends with "Bug off" is probably not the best idea. She had heard any of what I said, and so I shared this with her. She got a good laugh out of it. I'm going to turn off the computer now, before it is struck by lightning.

Kiwifruit

What It Takes

Thing #102: It takes a special kind of person to be a Philadelphia Flyers fan.

That type of person is a sheep, or a lemming, or a dumb dog. Pretty much anyone who is willing to think the best of a group of people no matter how often they are proven wrong is a good candidate. Case in point: The Flyers built a 3-1 lead in their playoff series. In hockey, this is the equivalent of the point in the movie where the good guy has finally outsmart the bad guy, knocked the sword out of his hand, and has but to take him into custody.

Now, we are at game seven. Out of the last 226 series with 3-1 deficits only 20 teams have come back to win. You can always count on the Flyers to beat the odds to lose. Granted, I am being a bit premature. The Flyers could win tonight, manage to stay alive. The point is even if they do, this turnaround simply confirms what Flyers fans have known for a long, long time (since 1976), the Flyers seem to excel at finding ways to lose.

That being said, I am hopeful. This is another trait of loyal Flyers fans. No matter how many times our team manages to lose, we are always hopeful. This is probably because the Flyers have a knack for being really, really good, until they collapse. However, this year is different. Instead of the usual string of aging, soon-to-be retired/free agent ex-superstars we usually put together we have a crisp, young group of players whose best years are still ahead of them. Even if we do lose tonight, we'll be back next year. And we'll be better. Assuming we don't trade everybody again.

Kiwifruit

Happy Birthday, Grandpa

Thing #101: There are some thing you just can't forget.

Today is my grandfather's birthday. At least it's day I remember it falling on. I remember it whenever I see it in writing or on a calendar. He died in 2003. I thought it fitting to write a tribute to him and the things I remember about him.

I remember coming to see him, he'd be wearing his favorite shirt (no shirt at all). I still refer to wearing no shirt as 'wearing grandpa's favorite shirt. I remember the Spanish peanuts with the red skins he always had at his house. I remember the frog he used to have in the living room, that croaked whenever you walked by. I remember the way my sister used to call him 'grumpy, grouchy, grampy.'

I just thought it was fitting to remember him today. Happy birthday grandpa.

Kiwifruit

Stalling Out On Memory Lane

Thing #100: I love special events.

You know things like the Superbowl, the Stanley Cup Playoffs (GO FLYERS!!!), Series/Season Finales on TV, Weddings, 100th Blog Posts. Yes, it's true, this is my 100th blog post. And it only took 3 -1/2 years. 2-1/2 if you don't count the missing year (2007, 0 posts). At any rate this seems like as good a time as any to look back and say, "What were we thinking?!" So, now the moment you have absolutely not been waiting for . . .

THE TOP 10 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED:

10. You can fix a sandal with ducttape (Thing #58, MacGyver Could've, 06-20-05)

9. The best way to get instant name recognition in a group, is to bring cookies. (Thing #92, Now All I Need Is Some Milk, 03-02-08)

8. Severed chicken heads can be cute. (Thing #80, Chicken Heads and Other Items, 01-16-06)

7. Just because you think someone you know may have liked a movie, doesn't mean you should rent the remake. (Thing #74, Be Careful Whom You Fly With, 12-24-05)

6. Before removing the LED from an FS-C5016 (This is a color printer) you must "sufficiently do let escape the static electricity which is electrified in the human body concerning the metal part and the like of the aqueduct faucet, after that do work.*" (Thing #88, Like an Aqueduct, Eh?, 02-28-08)

5. If your boss leaves you to answer phones and they don't ring for a long period of time, get suspicious. (Thing# 48, Your Call Is Very Important to Us . . ., 05-20-05)

4. If the teacher asks, "Do they still throw chairs on Jerry Springer?" Don't be too quick to answer. (Thing #33, And You Know This How?, 01-20-05)

3. Handzi the stuffed sloth can fit all the way through the ice dispenser on our refrigerator. (Thing # 1, It Begins, 11-24-04)

2. When you go to take off a flat tire, make sure the parking brake is engaged. (Thing #41, On a Roll, 04-21-05)

1. There are some problems that can only be solved with an eight pound sledge-hammer. (Thing #47, WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!, 05-17-05)

There you have it. I was going to do commentary on each one, but that seems a bit excessive now. Maybe I'll save that for 200. I will, however, copy the footnote that goes with the asterisk on #6. Aren't I so nice.

Kiwifruit

*- Kyocera KM-5016 Service Manual (Rev. 1.4)

Laughing Like A Danish

Thing #99: Every letter in Matt is the first on it's respective number on a standard cell phone.

I just programmed my friend Matt's new number in my phone. I thought this was cool. In case you haven't notice I could have major surgery (which I haven't) and you would never know from reading this blog, but this make it on here. Personally I think these insights are much more interesting. So do the 0 people who read my blog regularly. You can't argue with statistics.

Also, you should know that I was going to blog on here about what a good sense of humor the Danes have, and how the world would be so much better if we were all like them. That would've been silly. In case you were wondering Matt isn't Danish. He might like danishes, but then again, who doesn't? Think about that for while. Then go have a danish.

Kiwifruit















P.S. I accidently leaned on the enter button and didn't want all the enters to go to waste. Excited about post 100? Oh well, at least I am.

Keep Dreaming

Thing #98: Dreams can come true, just hopefully not all of them.

The Philadelphia Flyers have now officially made the playoffs. For those who haven't been paying attention it went something like this. The Flyers destroyed their competition and climbed to the top. Then they went, "Hey, were at the top, let's kick back and relax." Then they fell to the bottom. Then they woke up and just barely scraped their way into the playoffs.

On the other hand I had a dream last night that John McCain was announcing his running mate. It was my cousin. Like I said, not all of them.

Maybe I'll pick up Silent Mountain again. (<--- I did.)

Kiwifruit

Spring, Here We Come

Thing #97: If Spring won't come to you, you've got to go to Spring.

March and it's still snowing in New York.

That's why I'm in Alabama.

I'm typing this from my father's giant orange armchair.

I love vacations.

Kiwifruit

Never Perfect Radio

Thing #96: National Public Radio is a liar.

It's true. Yesterday our local station reported that we would be getting eight to sixteen inches of snow this weekend. I despaired. I went back to the office at the end of the day and told Dan what I'd heard. He didn't believe me. He was smart. It turns out we will be getting no snow this weekend. I'm glad for that. Still, I'll feel pretty dumb when I go back to work Monday. Dang NPR.

Kiwifruit.

Taxes: "Just Say Hold"

Thing #95: There is something worse than being on hold . . . being on hold with the IRS.

It's true, I had to call the IRS recently. And when you have to call the IRS, you HAVE to call the IRS. So I called. Then I spent the next 20 minutes on hold listening to what Katherine suspected was "The Nutcracker Suite." I could not verify this. My favorite part though, what the pleasant, generic sounding voice which would chime in every so often and remind me that all associates were busy with other customers. Customers?! Seriously?

Don't get me wrong, I understand this is probably just a generic message, but it just seems a bit wrong. Having the IRS refer to me as their "customer" seemed akin to having the guy who just mugged me thank me for my business. Weird.

At this point I should say that I fear the tone of my posts have been getting more and more negative. Several months of winter will do that. So here's some positive stuff.

I'm going to see my family in Alabama at the end of next week. Woohoo! Also, my in-laws are letting us house sit for them this weekend. They have good cable. Woohoo! I also still love racquetball and am getting better at it. My favorite moment from last nights game was when Rob had me analyze what I did wrong when I missed. The second one, I swung at, or so I thought, but was nowhere near it. My analysis for what I did wrong? "I didn't hit the ball." Duh. At least it got a laugh. I love laughing. I'm going to go laugh with my wife now. Funny movie. Steve Carrell. Enjoy life. Say no to drugs (unless your doctor prescribes them.) This post is quickly devolving into chaos. I'm ending it now.

Kiwifruit

Will Someone Please Remove This Month From the Building

Thing #94: If March goes out like a lion, February has to be dragged away by security, kicking and screaming.

Every month has its theme, its motif, its, dare I say, personality. You know what I mean. July is the patriot, waving flags and testing us with its heat. May is the NHL playoff timme and someone's birthday is (just in case anyone forgot). And February is the month that, at least up here, clobbers us over the head with snow and then drops to below 0 temperatures to freeze us under an immovable floor of ice. Not a very friendly month. Then there's March.

March is normally the month that smiles warmly on us, thawing the snow and ice, so April showers can bring May flowers (and playoffs). March is benevolent, kind and friendly. Maybe that explains what has happened. See, when it came time March showed up, smiling and preparing its warmth, then BAM!!!! February clobbered March over the head declaring it would never give up, and cackling maniacally.

As you may know, we up here in the North Country had a rather sizable winter storm this past weekend. This explains why I spent an hour and a half shoveling to get the car loose so we could get to church Sunday. Then, another 30-45 minutes when we got home so I could get the car back in. I didn't mind. It was March. It would melt soon. Then I got up this morning. It was -10. No problem, it'll pass. Then I saw the weather today. Next weekend low 20's and 30's. I'm so glad we're going to Alabama.

Kiwifruit

Whilst Playing Racquetball . . .

Thing #93: I have good hand-eye coordination.

At least that's what Rob said . . . while beating me 15-3 at racquetball. It was a good time though. In between games he taught me some tips regarding where to stand, correct postures, and how not to slam into walls at high velocity. Also, I learned that concrete walls are hard. Really hard. So is the floor. After diving for the ball at one point, Rob congratulated me on getting the hit. I responded that I was too late and he agreed, but was apparently impressed with my willingness to sacrifice my body for the point. My body was not so impressed, as it has reminded me several times since.

After Rob left, I went to the exercise bike to wait for Katherine, who was grocery shopping. There's nothing like reading about the hotly contested Democratic race, whilst pedaling at an average speed of 17 MPH. There's a good reason there's nothing like this. Also, I like using the word, "whilst."

Afterwards, Katherine picked me up, and asked what we had talked about. The rest of the conversation went something like this.

Katherine: So what did you guys talk about.
Me: Racquetball. You know, proper stances, ect.
Katherine: Oh. You didn't talk about life and stuff?
Me (giving it thought): No, just racquetball.
Katherine: But, what about when you were volleying.
Me: We just volleyed. That's all.

Truth is, it's hard to discuss life and love and what-not in an echo chamber. Not that I'm against trying. It's just not what guys do I guess. Not like a hard and fast rule, just not really something we would think of. That's all for now. I'm lucky I haven't fallen asleep on the keyboard.

Kiwifruit.

Now, All I Need Is Some Milk

Thing #92: The best way to get instant name recognition in a group, is to bring cookies.

Katherine and I went a photo shoot today . . . As models. I have to admit it was a strange thing to get used to, responding when people said things like, "Models over there," or "You're one of the models, right?" A friend of our, Mabyn, who does photography in Syracuse was involved in a shoot with a bunch of photographers and we volunteered to help. In exchange we got two free meals and, eventually, a CD of pictures from the shoot.

Katherine thought it would be nice to bring cookies, which I volunteered to make. Thus, while we were all finishing a lunch of bowling alley pizza, it was announced that Phil had brought cookies. The rest of the day every so often someone would come up to me and say, "Hey, your Phil, right?" I would, for the most part, respond in the affirmative, which would be followed with some comment about the "good cookies." And they were good cookies. I'm so glad Katherine talked me out of making the oatmeal raisin.

At any rate, it was a good day, long, but good. Can't wait to see the pictures.

Kiwifruit

Directions, Por Favor

Thing #91: You can effectively Google directions from Barcelona, Spain to Oslo, Norway.

You cannot however get to Beijing, China. Darned Communist era information bans. It all started simply enough. I looked at some streets, got directions to and from pertinent places. Then, I just got curious. Also, I ate dinner on a cardboard box tonight. It was good.

Kiwifruit

Happy Leap Day!

Thing #90: No one really cares about Leap Day.

So, today is February 29th. This only comes once, like, every four years. Amazing. So, why are there no major celebrations, no festivals, no choirs singing. Well, I guess some choirs may have sung, but not in honor of the day.

Well, I care. So, in honor of 'Leap Day,' I'm have work tirelessly fabricating outlandish facts about the day. I would have used real facts, but I only know one (the odds of being born on said day are 1 in 14,000 or 1,400 I can't remember which), and I'd rather not go through the work of actually looking them up. Hey, if it works for the Times . . .

Here they are:

In 1983 the Senate passed a bill attempting to move the Presidential Inauguration to February 29. The House quickly squashed the bill pointing out that, as inauguration doesn't fall on a leap year, future presidents would have to wait over three years to be inaugurated, thus crippling the system.

In ancient Greece, being born on February 29th was considered a great blessing. Children born on this day were exempted from military service and given first choice in goats and Monopoly pieces.

In 1843, France officially declared that all people born on the 29th would be allowed to age every year regardless of whether or not thier birth date fell in it. French women everywhere protested.

There you have it. I'm going to go have a festival or something now.

Kiwifruit

File Under Procrastination

Thing #89: I can give my blog labels.

I guess I'm a bit of an organizational freak. I just love the though of all 89 and counting blog posts being neatly sorted by subject, ect. I promised myself I'd be off by 7:20. I haven't made it. Now, if only I could organize my real files this well.

Kiwifruit

P.S. Katherine, I am also getting the list of things you left me done. (Insert innocent smile here.)

Like An Aqueduct, Eh?

Thing #88 (YEAH LINDROS!!!!!): Before removing the LED from an FS-C5016 (This is a color printer) you must "sufficiently do let escape the static electricity which is electrified in the human body concerning the metal part and the like of the aqueduct faucet, after that do work.*" (sic . . . DUH!)

See, now it's funny running across something like that. It is not however funny running across something like that when you're trying desperately to get a job done without causing any problems. Then it's just terrifying. I think it means you have to ground yourself first. You gotta love poor translations.

Kiwifruit

*- Kyocera KM-5016 Service Manual (Rev. 1.4)


Just giving credit where credit is due.

Mr. Freeman, I Presume?

Thing #87: The barber cannot make me look like Morgan Freeman.

Sad, but true. I learned this after Katherine noticed a man who looked suspiciously like the actor walking out of Vinny's Clean Cuts. I commented that Vinny must be one good barber, and that's when Katherine explained that no matter how good a barber might be, there are certain obstacles which cannot be overcome.

It also made me think, "What if it had been Morgan Freeman?" Granted I have no idea what he would be doing in Northern New York, but I would've been cool. Or not. I mean, in theory I think it would be cool to meet someone famous, and I do enjoy Freeman's work, but, seriously, what would be the point? I would probably just act the same as if I met anyone else I don't know. I'd say hello and introduce myself, stand there awkwardly, and then slip away and go find someone I actually know. And, of course, ask him who his barber is.

Kiwifruit

Just Aim For the Wall

Thing #86: Racquetball is a great sport.

I have to admit, I've never known much about racquetball. Most I knew that it was play with a ball, a racket, and rich people. Then my wife discovered they have racquetball courts at our local YMCA, where we're members. Turns out, she has some history with the sport, so we tried it. I love it.

There are several reasons I love this sport. For starters, hitting the wall is a GOOD thing. If you hit the wall in any other sport it's a bad thing. Think basketball, baseball, stock car racing, bowling, darts . . . the list goes on. Now, hitting a tiny goal, or a series of pins, these are problematic for me. I can sure as heck hit a wall . . . most of the time anyway.

In addition to the great size of the target, you get a reward when you hit it. THWACK!!!!!! Yes, the sound of the ball smacking the wall is my great reward. Just for fun, I like to see how many walls/ceilings/floors I can hit it off . . . or I'm just too lazy to go after the ball.

Finally, practically the entire room is an echo chamber. This certainly made the instruction phase more interesting. By the time Katherine was on the fifth word, I could still here the first four. This is my excuse for having no idea how the game is played, other than hitting the wall with the ball. Maybe I'll look into that later. For now, I'll just aim for a wall . . . any wall.

Who's Bright Idea Was That?

The green lettering on this blog is too bright. I need to change that. I have no earthly idea, why I thought anyone would or could read that. This blog is dead . . . well . . . mostly dead at least. Fortunately I know CPR. Unfortunately, I don't really have time for that now.

I'm going to sleep. Maybe I'll post again. Maybe not. Maybe the world will implode tonight. This last possibility is extremely remote. Did I mention I'm going to sleep.