Merry Lederhosen

"Raw leather lederhosen" is too long to be an AIM screen name. So is "leather lederhosen." "lederhosen" and "king lederhosen" were taken. Only "raw lederhosen" will work. This is so disturbing to my psyche that I will probably never use it, again. I'm sure that's more than you ever wanted to know. Thank Stevieboy (my aforementioned brother-in-law) for that one.

Flaming Kiwifruit

I'll Say No More . . .

Well, well, well . . .

My brother-in-law grows more disturbing daily!

I will never look at the word lederhosen the same again!

That is all I'm saying!!!!

The Chimp

T'was The Night Before Christmas . . . Part Two

Well, just when I thought I could not be more disturbed.

You cannot begin to imagine how many utterly disturbing things I learned about my family tonight.

Stephen grew progressivly more disturbing, but most of that I cannot in all good conscience share with you, as it would scar you for life too.

Nothing beats seeing my father wearing a camel mask and rapping about the 'Christ Child' as they (He, Tyler and Holli) preformed a Christmas play.

Oh, well, except seeing my aforementioned father sit and talk on the phone with a burgandy pillow case and a brown frilly curtain tie on his head for an hour.

Then there was the purple pillow which made an . . . um . . . interesting hat. Donned by me (I'm sorry to say). Stephen, maybe others, I lost track . . .

All in all, I am exhausted, disturbed, and all around scared out of my mind. I would post the other disturbing things I learned if I hadn't already repressed them. Maybe when the chaos subsides . . .

The Chimp

T'was The Night Before Christmas . . .

Well . . . many new things have I learned thus far this day.

My brother-in-law is more disturbing if he is bored. What else can he do to scar me for life? Grabbing my brother's hinder parts, attaching sticky Christmas bows to his own hinder parts . . . Need I go on?

My family never changes. We completed our annual puzzle tonight which we do every Christmas. We fought over who's pieces were being taken by whom; we fought over who got to put in the last piece, and in the end, they finished the puzzle . . . while I, the one who had started the puzzle in the first place, was gone!!! Ah! Family and the Holidays! Does it get any better?

Well, Merry Christmas All. Hope you enjoy your holiday!

The Chimp

A Literal Submarine, Pt II

It is humanly possible. And in under thirty minutes. Man, I'm stuffed . . .

And thus concludes the trilogy of consumption.

Flaming Kiwifruit

A Literal Submarine

It is possible for a man to successfully make a turkey sandwich from half a loaf of french bread. As to whether or not it is humanly possible to eat it . . . Well, I have my suspicions. Now, I must put them to the test. Wish me luck.

Flaming Kiwifruit

I'm Eating a What?!

It is not acceptable to refer to a Po'Boy sandwich as a Home Boy. Additionally, if you must correct yourself, do not do it by saying, "No, I said Ho'Boy." That's something I never wanted to hear my mother say. And the sandwich wasn't even that good. Oh, well. It's okay since I ate most everybody else's food anyway. I love the holiday season.

Flaming Kiwifruit

Maybe He's Allergic to Wool . . .

Apparently, naked sheep are damaging to my sister's moral value system. Sadly, we learned this after Ian took us to a movie featuring said animal in the buff. I was disturbed as well.

Finals week generally ends with a mass loss of intelligence, aside from the previously chronicled printer incident with my ex-suitemate, there was more proof. There is just something weird about having your back turned to your roommate and hearing him do something along the lines of, "La la doo doo doo doo la la la OW!!!!!!!" Turns out he got a little to "into" his celebratory dance and whacked his knee on his desk. Meanwhile, Jen Hanson and I had much more fun with a dictionary than anyone should, (It had Bob Dylan!) and Rachel, Ian, Jen and I had FAR too much fun with a crude drawing of me. (Crude in the sense of poorly drawn, not disgusting.)

Also, I just learned that if you must put ice into your drink because you are OBSESSIVE about it, the only viable solution to the cold problem is to walk around the house with oven mitts on. You can thank the chimp for that one.

I also learned that there is actually a worship song called, "I Really Want to Praise You Lord." I'm sure it's a solid song, but all I can think of to finish it is, "but, you know, stuff happens."

Have a great night, day, Hannukah, or whatever it is when you read this.

Flaming Kiwifruit

It Was the Worst of Times, It Was the Worst of Times . . .

College can be an informative place. You learn many things there, unfortunately, with finals, I have had little time to post said things. Now I shall.

I'll start by saying, finals week is EVIIIIILLLLLL! Okay, that being said and finals being over . . . .

I know now for certain that it is impossible for anyone on campus to see Handzi the sloth and not have an overwhelming desire to make him dance. Bizzare. I am also slightly jealous that my stuffed sloth is more well known than me. But that is another point entirely.

If you work near hot grease, you should wrap your arms in saran wrap to avoid singing your arm hairs, or so I learned from one of the college residents who works in the cafe.

If you are leaving for three weeks, you should not leave perishable, smelly foods such as meat in your dorm. I of course knew this. My roommate did not. I threw out her food after she left to avoid having to smell it in three weeks when we return. But then she herself does not smell too overly pleasant either.

If you have a final, study the day before. Never again will I get up at 7:00 a.m. to study for a final. NEVER!

If you are lost, do not call the campus radi0 station for directions. I, helping Phil with his radio show for the first time ever, was left in control of the station with little knowledge of what I was doing while Phil attempted to give directions to one of the more . . . er . . . interesting residents of our college who had called in lost.

Let's see . . . I think that's it for now.

Oh, one more thing. You can celebrate the end of finals week by throwing your old, no longer functioning printer off from the third floor of the dorm building. Though I didn't try it myself, I heard someone on campus enjoyed doing this. I would not suggest such a course of action, but if you do plan to do this, make sure no one is below you.

A little lengthy, but I had to catch up. Hopefully I can post a little more frequently now with the semester over.

The Chimp

Looking Stupid = Looking Good?

Today I learned that it is a bad idea to eat Taco Bell, in the car (in a parking lot), while wearing your only white shirt, a mere 45 minutes before the call time for your choir concert. Thank God, the suit coat covered it.

Additionally, I learned that, although dark brown socks and sandals may not make a very good fashion statement, they'll work in a pinch. Believe me . . . It's a very, long story.

My Room Is Spotless And It's Not My Fault

My roomate's weirdness transcends everything I first suspected.

Okay, so Carla irons her dollar bills so the vending machines will take them more easily. Fine . . .

So she takes her clothes out of her drawers, irons them, folds them, and puts them all back . . .

So she made me get out of bed while taking a nap after getting four hours of sleep so I could dust my fan because it 'looked too dirty' . . .

But yesterday, me and my other roomates were banned from using our very own bathroom because she had decoratively folded the edge of the toilet paper and she did not want us to mess it up . . .

The Chimp

They Can Smell You A Mile Away

Apparently, you can't shoot a bear if you're wearing to much cologne. Yep. Borghy says so, so it must be true, no? As I've stated on many occasions... I'm skeptical of such things.

Also, apparently ending a conversation with "One" is now a common greeting among the "In" crowd. This is similar to my attempts to get "Gooten Niten Heimer" as a common salutation among the "Out" crowd. So far no takers . . .

Flaming Kiwifruit

Hymn and Hur

There are any number of great hymns in the church history. I already knew that. However I did not realize there were so many . . . "misguided" hymn. My personal favorites:

1. Hold the Fort (no, by all means, don't go out and fight, just hold the fort.)
2. I've Got My Religon (well, that should be at least enough to hold the fort.)
3. Slip Away Home (pastor going long again? gotta admit, i've wanted to sing this before!)
4. Too Late To Pray (sounds positively cheerful. probably a big hit at funerals.)
5. It's Just Like Heaven (then why would we need the real thing?)

Granted, these may be great hymns, but the titles sure got me. Right up there with Switchfoot's "Might Have Ben Hur." How lame can you get? Maybe I'll learn that tomorrow.

Additionally, I learned that saving your homework for when you get back to campus after break is a bad idea. Especially when you have an eight (8) hour drive. Okay, more like seven (7), but I don't know how that happened.

I also realized tonight that I have this blog, because the world deserves to hear my humor. I figure the world must have done something pretty bad to deserves that. Oh, well. Good night.

Flaming Kiwifruit

I Am Greatly Disturbed . . .

I heard that a toilet is an appliance. This I did not know yesterday. Something about the idea that a toilet and a blender are one in the same disturbs me greatly. Many things I hear from my family disturb me greatly. My family disturbs me greatly.

The Chimp

My Dad with the Wrench in the Foyer

I did not know you could fix a kitchen chair with a pipe wrench. My father seems to believe you can. As I previously stated, I am quite skeptical of such things.

Flaming Kiwifruit, who is not putting a little 'mood indicator' by his name!

Turkey a la Kiwi

Happy Thanksgiving everyone . . .

This Thanksgiving I have learned one important thing . . . My borther is the real turkey . . . Thanksgiving carol! Sheesh!!!

The Chimp, Soon to be cheerful and bloated

Thankzgivin' Hamma' Style

This spiffy new Thanksgiving Carol:

I'm . . . too thankful for my shirt
Too thankful for my socks
Too thankful for my earmuffs . . .

Well you get the point. Have a great Thanksgiving everybody.

Flaming Kiwifruit

Choose Orange, Save a Life!

I did not know yesterday that I could change the color of my fonts. Wow. That is impressive indeed. From now on, Chimp can be distinguished from the lesser . . . fruit boy . . . by her far superior font color choice of ORANGE! Do not forgot this vital information. It could save your life some day!

The Chimp, Inebriated as Ever!

Gooten Niten Heimer

The phrase "Gooten Niten Heimer" (Kiwiesque for "Good Night") is even cooler spelled out, than said aloud. Who'da thunk it.

Flaming Kiwifruit

Night Drilling

Item #1: To a sleeping parent, a mixer and an electrical drill can sound very similar. The funny part was when my sis admited it was her using a mixer and my dad asked, "What are you guys drilling?" Which leads me to . . .

Item #2: Parents can be quite amusing when they are groggy and delirious . . .

Flaming Kiwifruit

Spiffy Blog Feature

I n0w know that we can each sign in on our own and still contribute to the blog. You can hold on to individuality while sharing a blog! Additionally, all of my post will now be in this cool green color to help you distinguish.

Flaming Kiwifruit

From the Offices of 'Fat and Happy'

I did not know yesterday that my Father believes that the minuet is so named because it only lasts a minute. I think I was supposed to say that I did not know that a minuet was a minute, but I am skeptical of such things. I did know that yesterday.

Additionally, I did not know I was 'fat and happy' yesterday, but by my approximation, that is a rather good combination and I am quite glad it can be applied to me.

Lastly, I did not know that such satisfaction could be found by constructing the sentence, "The dead newt ate the 'Caring Fairy.'" (Which I might add is a grammatically correct sentance.)

Oh, and I did not know that you could change the time on this so that it displays the accurate time when I post.

Flaming Kiwifruit

Angry, Cheerful, Bloated . . .

Yesterday I did not know that no one could post comments on our site without regestering. An angry fan pointed that out today, so I fixed it.

Yesterday, I did not know we had angry fans. Hopefully they are now happy, filled with cheer if you will.

Yesterday, I did not know my brother is 'in a constant state of cheer and bloatation'. I knew he was happy and fat, but I had NOT thought of it in terms of cheer and bloatation.

Lastly, I did not know yesterday that pies could be used as bloatation devices.

See, you learn something new every day. Most of it you wish you didn't know, but you learn it any ways.

The Chimp

Nader?

Another interesting fact:

'All of the above except Ralph Nader' is an acceptable answer for most anything.

Definately didn't know that one yesterday . . .

The Chimp

The Coffee Table

Yesterday, I did not know that I cannot move our coffee table with just one hand.... Actually I can move it with just one hand, it's the lifting part that gets me. Sad, but true. I guess I'd better keep working out.

Flaming Kiwifruit

It Begins!

Here we will be posting things that we know today, that we did not know yesterday... as you may have gathered from the title. I will be simply known as the "Flaming Kiwifruit." My sister will be known as the "Complete Moron"..... OW!!!!! I mean the "Inebriated Chimpanzee" (Yeah that's alot better.)

Flaming Kiwifruit

Welcome to our mindless waste of time . . . both ours and yours . . .

First on our list of things we know today that we did not know yesterday:

Handzi the stuffed sloth can fit all the way through the ice dispenser on our refridgerator, yes, that is correct, ALL THE WAY THROUGH!

Well, that's all for today on my end folks.

The Chimp