Saturday, August 30, 2008

Hidden In Plain Sight

Thing #124: It's never too late to realize how brilliant a song line is.

So, I'm sitting on my futon playing my guitar a few minutes ago when I have a revelation, or maybe an epiphany. I'm not sure what it takes to get to the level of 'epiphany', so I'll just go with revelation. Anyway, I'm playing this song, "Close of Autumn" by Caedmon's Call. Now I first heard this song in 1997 or so and learned to play it several years ago. Then I run across the following line.

"I guess I'll drop my anger here/Before I float away"

I always thought it was a neat line, and felt like there was something different about that I could put my finger on. Now, I know your probably wonder what it is, but you probably already know. It's just a bit obvious, especially when you read it aloud. This is clearly a play on the similarity, soundwise, of anger and anchor. It took me far too many years to catch that. Brilliant.

Kiwifruit

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Welcome Homes

Thing #123: Both of the guys running for president have a lot of money.

As you can imagine this was quite a shock for me. I just always assumed that all politician were good hearted saints who gave all of thier money to the poor, at least all the money they haven't spent helping save cute little puppies.

Seriously, though, now we've got this huge flap about John McCain having loads of houses, which they seem to have countered by pointing out that Barack Obama has a multi-million dollar home and, it seems, a private beach. Personally, I'm glad. I mean would you want to trust your countries future with a guy living out of a cardboard box? I certainly wouldn't.

This, to me, just drives home the point that it's much better to pay close attention to the presidential primaries and then just ignore everything until it's time to vote. The primaries were a constant debate about ideas, hopes, and plans, the meat of a campaign. Now we get Obama being compared to Paris Hilton and John McCain mocked for having a lot of real estate. Can anyone say middle school. (I realize most middle-schooler have neither houses nor Paris Hilton, it's a metaphor about petty name calling.)

So I hope somebody from these campaigns reads this, because, that would be just cool. And it would mean someone was actually reading this. But also, maybe then we could get some discussion of the issues that really matter. Like how may cars Obama has.

Kiwifruit

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Beauty and the Beast

Thing #122: Men are civilized, women are savage...

I know, the last thing you expected to hear. And I'm sure many of you are laughing so hard it is difficult to read (Especially you women). But, it is the truth!

I have worked in retail long enough to know that when women shop, they transform into monstrous beasts that tear through your store leaving a trail of destruction. And men, well they transform too. They may be too stubborn to ask for directions on the road, but when a man walks into a woman's clothing store, they become timid and helpless creatures.

To illustrate my point, I will lay out two scenarios for you.

Scenario A:

Man goes into clothing store. He is looking for a shirt, but only because his wife FINALLY threw away all of his old ones that were ragged and full of holes.
He wanders around for a bit looking at shelfs and racks and tables with wide, fearful eyes. Suddenly, he sees a shirt. He decides he likes it, so he quickly grabs said shirt in every color available and proceeds to the check out.

Scenario B:

Woman goes into clothing store. She isn't looking for anything in particular.
She proceeds to the first rack, picking up, moving, and generally pawing through every item. Then the next rack, and the next.
Slowly, the beast begins to emerge. She begins to pick things up, walk around, toss them back on shelfs they don't belong on.
She heads next to the beautiful table displays. By now her transformation is in full swing. She goes into a frenzy, unfolding every shirt and tossing them all back in a pile on the table, the beauty now gone.
Finally she makes her way to the dressing room with the 14 items she has selected. She tries each one on, finally decides she hates the way she looks in everything and will buy nothing.
Before she leaves, she makes sure to take every one of her 14 items and put them back... in the wrong place.

So you see, I now spend my days and nights picking up the pieces left behind from these uncivilized encounters. I must now rest, and prepare to return on Monday, to try to bring some order to this chaos.

The Chimp

Monday, August 11, 2008

And the Gold Goes to Canada

Thing #121: NBC stinks.

This is a bit harsh, but not, I think unwarrented. You see I love the Olympics. Not that I would ever, ever . . . ever (no this is NOT to much emphasis) be able to actually compete in the Olympics. I once wanted to be an Olympic rowing, but then realized that never actually having rown or even been in a boat I should find a more realistic dream. I ended up with watching the Olympics, which is much more realistic.

NBC is 'covering' the Olympics, so I came home from work and turned on NBC. Then, my wife tells me that it's not on again until eight (3 hours away). I wait the whole time. Then turned said channel back on. It was men's syncronized swimming. Yes, there is such a thing. No, I did not want to watch it. I have since landed on the local Canadian station which is covering . . . rowing! I love Canada.

Kiwifruit

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Where Oh Where Has My Little Tie Gone

Thing #120: It helps to be prepared, but if that fails, knowing someone who is more prepared works too.

I work at a job that requires a tie. I also work at a job that requires me to be out the door at 7:30ish. These facts when combined make for a situation in which I will once every month or two rush out the door sans tie. I am prepared.

I have a car tie. It's the tie that matches every shirt I own. It rides around in my car all day so when I forget I can slip it on and save face. No one likes to be the guy who forgot his tie. It worked well . . . until today. See, yesterday I forgot my tie. I also forgot to take my car tie off in the car. Then, I forgot my tie this morning.

I arrived at work at 7:50 with no tie. I also had no time to go back. I also had no iguanas in my car, but that doesn't really matter for this story. I had to think fast. Joe was in the car next to me. Joe is the newest tech we have, thus I felt it would be sensible to ask him if he had an extra tie. He did not. He did however mention that Jerry, our IT director might have one. So I went to Jerry's upstairs office.As soon as I walked in I knew I had hit the motherlode.

Each desk/table/computer in his office had a pile of ties the size of a large hill on it. I was stunned. So I asked him if he had a tie I could borrow. This is like asking Bill Gates if he had a couple of buck you could borrow. He said sure and I picked out a tie that would match my shirt. The moral of the story is never, ever bring your car tie in the house. An alternate moral would be it's good to know someone who keeps loads of ties on his person.

Kiwifruit

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Old Fashioned Way

Thing #119 Film strips are still set up by hand

My husband and I have been frequenting the local drive in theatre. Last weekend was a great line-up of Wall-e and Get Smart. We talked about it all week and invited my sister to join us for the second movie. About ten minutes into the first feature I look and the picture is upside down and the audio is running backwards, it is starting to get annoying, I wonder is this pixars idea of a dream sequence? I think maybe it is just because he is upside down or something, I mean he is a robot and there is no diologue in this movie....eventually they stop the film and we wait while the projectionist fixes the reel. Yes, in this the digital age, there are still men who load the film. I know this because the elder projectionist stuck up a conversation with me about the new kid who put the film on for the first time while my sister was waiting for her mozzerella sticks to cook. He even gave me a piece of filmstrip to show me where the audio and picture are. Some things are still done the old fashioned way. 6 dollars a ticket and they don't charge an arm and a leg for popcorn either. You can bring your own even and sit in your lawnchair. That is why we love the drive in. I didn't know they still had to load the film, but I know that now.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Not the Max I Wanted to Know About

Thing #118: My company uses crude advertising tactics!

The Chef was greatly distressed today. He was working in his place in the print department which was toward the rear of the retail establishment where the Chef works (it shall herein remain unnamed).
He was merely minding his own buisness, when a customer walked past him and inquired where the location of the bathroom was, he pointed toward it and she looked up and said, where it says "Taking Your"?

He looked and also saw the phrase displayed prominently above the hallway to the bathroom, "Yes," he said, "that's it."

She walked past him toward the bathroom, and the Chef continued about his buisness. A few moments later however, he found himself over by the hallway entrance shaking his head as he stared at the rest of the phrase in utter bewilderment.

"Buisness to the Max" It boasted in bold lettering. "Taking Your buisness to the Max" sitting right above the hallway to the bathrooms...

Mork, Mork, Mork

Sweet Home Alabama . . .

Thing #117: The south is insidious.

I thought after more than a decade in Alabama, my family and I were relatively unscathed by the influence of the South. Sure the occasional 'ya'll' might escape our lips, but my dad still drinks unsweet tea, my mom talks like a Yankee, and I REFUSE to eat any part of a pig (except bacon) let alone EVERY part of a pig!

Sad but true, the south has finally reached us. I went outside tonight to find my dad and nephew shooting his newly acquired bb gun at empty playdo cans on the back deck. My husband and I came out and joined in the festivities. I'll point out when we came out, neither of my aforementioned relatives had been successful. My husband hit one of the containers on his first try, and I on my second.

Somewhere in the midst of all the fun, my nephew, dressed in his Alabama Crimson Tide shirt and matching baseball cap, said "Yep, this is what we do for fun here in Alabama." That's when it hit me . . . We are turning into rednecks. The next thing you know I'll be eating grits and saying fixin' and reckon . . .

The only way it could have been more southern is if they were beer cans, but being my nephew is underage and none of us drink, playdo cans were the next best thing.

The Chimp

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Balloon Wars, Continued...

Thing #116: Balloons are naturally given to escaping.


As my colleague Kiwifruit mentioned earlier, balloons can sometimes be difficult things to deal with, however, what those difficulties pertain to can be be entirely opposing factors, for instance... Kiwi mentioned the malicious and destructive nature which some balloons possess, taking every opportunity to lash out at the world around them, on the flip side however, I would like to say a word about the elusive nature of balloons

To illustrate this I will use a few true childhood stories...

It was a Sunny Sunday afternoon, a group of children stood at the far end of a lobby inside of a church, at the other end a group of kid's camp counselors had just finished blowing up balloons and one of them stepped to the forefront, calling out that the kids may "proceed in orderly fashion over to where the counselors were and that they could each take one balloon of their choosing".

One boy (a.k.a. The Swedish Chef) was especially fond of balloons and was standing toward the front of the crowd, as soon as the "come over here and grab a balloon as fast as you possibly can" order was given the entire group of happy children surged on mass toward the balloons The Chef was younger than most and so was trampled underfoot by the throng, by the time he recovered his senses and stood back up on his feet all the balloons had been accounted for and the poor young Chef was out of luck.

Another time that same young man actually got a balloon and took it all the way home, once home he happily jumped out of his car and accidently tripped and fell, in dismay he watched his balloon drift down to the ground and touch the very tip of a single blade of grass... POW!

As if this isn't enough to illustrate the point...

Just recently the Chef was shopping at a prominent retail establishment on a certain holiday which embraces love, and romance, and all those wonderful mushy concepts... he was shopping for his wife and selected a large balloon in the shape of a big red heart which said "I Love You" simple, and accurate thought the Chef. He seized the balloon by the string and happily walked up to the awaiting cashier, still oblivious as to the transitory nature of his esteemed prize.

The cashier, snatched the balloon, yanked it forcefully downward, scanned it, and let it go... It flew up, it's string drawing tight, it's string not holding, it's string falling down the the ground as the actual balloon floated all the way to the very, very high ceiling...

The cashier didn't notice at first and after she did she and another lady began suggesting that the chef take a large ugly frog balloon which was holding a heart as a replacement... The Chef was very sad.

Fortuantely the Chef went shopping with his wife in that same retail establishment shortly after that and he pointed out to her the balloon he had meant to get... She seemed to enjoy it, even from far away...


Mork, Mork, Mork

Monday, June 23, 2008

We Can Finally Afford That Toothbrush You Wanted So Much

Thing #115: Nothing stimulates the economy like good dental hygeine.

So we finally got our much lauded "Stimulus Check." So what did we do with our hundreds of dollars in free* money. We bought new toothbrushes! YEAH!

The Kiwifruit

*-To be paid for by future generations at a later date.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

And Then There Were Three . . .

Thing #114: The key to consistancy is getting other people to do stuff for you.

That's why we added at least one (1) new writer and possibly two (2). Now, let me just assuage any concerns you might have about our blog lower its standards. We don't have any. You know that. But, seriously, we have made sure that our new additions to the Things I Know family have all the qualities that make this blog great: a fascination with life, a random sense of humor, relation to the current writer by marriage and the inability to post on a regular basis.

Actually part of the idea is that if there are three (3) or four (4) of us posting here the liklihood of going long period without posting (i.e. 2007) go down at least a little. We'll see how that goes. At any rate, we welcome Sweet Talker, who just happens to my wife.

Kiwifruit

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Man Vs. Balloon

Thing #113: Balloons are really wild, untamed beasts, bent on our destructions.

So, here it is, the previously foretold balloon post. About a week or two ago my wife and I were shopping for a new, used, cheap car. This, because she is looking at getting a new job that's not around the corner from the house. We had found a car she liked and thought nothing could get in our way. We were wrong.

We walked over to the car (which was on the opposite side of the lot from where the lady there sent us) and began checking it out. Of course, being a car lot it was filled with brightly colored balloons, streamers, and various other attention grabbing devices. I wondered which car was having a birthday but decided not to asked. This is when things turned nasty.

As I approached the car I noticed an innocent looking bright red balloon, which was tied to the car's antenna. I noticed it, because it was lunging straight at me. Naturally I thought this might be a good time to use my karate skills, but it's been many years since I took karate, so I just stood there dumbfounded while the balloon pummelled me several times before retreating back to its corner. I actually think I saw another balloon pouring water over its head and massaging its shoulders.

I know what you're thinking, "Man, this guys crazy. That balloon was probably just randomly blown by the wind." (If you weren't thinking this, go back and read that again while thinking it, so I can be right.) That's what I thought too, then it hit my wife. She pushed her way through and, before following her I looked the balloon squarely in the eyes, or rather where the eyes would have been, if it had had eyes and told it to back off. And then, it came at me. Wham!!! Needless to say I retreated as far away from the balloon as possible and stayed out of its range for the rest of the day. Next time, I'm carrying a safety pin with me.

Kiwifruit

Sunday, June 01, 2008

One Tree at a Time . . .

Thing #112: There is more than one way to cut down on waste and save the environment.

I know this, because my mom has come up with a new way of reducing the waste we throw away each day.

You see, my family has a long history of being pack rats . . . sad but true. I myself have unfortunately fallen prey to this nasty little habit, but I am not so deeply entrenched in the need to save things as is my mother.

It all started a few days ago when I found a CD sitting on the CD rack by the computer. I pulled it out, and there, in said mother's handwriting, were the words 'Bad disc'. I had a good laugh about why it was labeled and not thrown away, showed it to the rest of the family, and then stuck it back in the CD rack . . .

But this was only the beginning! The next morning I woke up and was milling around the house. There had been a pot of oil on the stove in which my not entirely healthy husband had some oil to fry chicken, french fries, dog treats, and whatever else he could find to deep fry.

So . . I'm milling when my mom walks by and says, "Don't use the oil in the white pot, there is a fly in it!"

I am at this point thinking, "Oh, so she is warning me because it's still on the stove and she just hasn't gotten around to throwing it out yet."

I made my way to the kitchen to wrangle up some breakfast, and there on the counter I saw the pot of oil with something strange over it. I walked closer to find a piece of paper lying across the pot that said "Do not use, there is a fly in it!"





Yeah . . . what more can you say?






The moral of the story? We could all do our part to cut down on waste by keeping it in place and labeling it as trash instead of actually throwing it away.

The Chimp

Monday, May 26, 2008

Surely, It Stinketh

Thing #111: Maintaining the refrigerator is an important, yet trying task.

My wife left me in charge of defrosting the freezer and cleaning out the old leftovers in our refrigerator. The trouble is, our freezer door is broken in such a way that it doesn't close properly and has been known to leap out at unsuspecting victims (a.k.a. my wife) who then ask me to get food out of it so as to avoid another attack. I'm good at catching it. The problem with having a door like this (other than a good scare from it flying at your face) is that frost quickly builds up on edge of the freezer until it starts to look like what I see out my window from around December to March or April, snow covered hills.

It was a valiant effort. I didn't realize you could sweat while working in a freezer, but apparently you can, or at least, I can. After blow drying, chipping, and pounding my way through this, I moved on to the simple task of emptying out leftovers (and by simple, I mean gross). We're actually pretty good about getting rid of left-overs in a timely fashion, but this is the time when the ones that got lost in the back turn up.

As I prepared to open the first container, I was reminded of a Bible story. Yes, you heard that right. If you remember, when Jesus is about to raise Lazarus from the dead, Martha protest. She points out that he's been dead four days and surely it stinketh (in the KJV). Some part of me was similarly saying, "It's been in there X number of days! Surely it stinketh!" I persevered, doing my best not to breathe through my nose. Now, I just have to make certain everything got back in the fridge. Maybe later I'll tell you about my new theory on balloons.

Kiwifruit

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The State of Birthdays

Thing #110: It is not socially acceptable to draw a picture of the State of New York on the envelope of someone's birthday card.

This is what my wife informed me after I had finished drawing said state on the front of her friend Kristi's card. It was a darn good representation. However, apparently only more traditional depictions such as cake, balloon, smiley faces, or Ralph Nader are allowed. Actually you can nix Nader (don't we wish), but the rest are valid. States are not.

Now you might be asking, "Why would you draw New York on a birthday card?" Oddly enough, this is the same question my wife asked. I'll give you the same answer I gave her. It's the state we're in. Taken alone, this could be a deep, insightful quote. In context, it's just dumb. The truth is I was just excited that I finally learned how to draw it.

We actually spent the larger part of the day with Kristi and her parents at their campsite. I cleaned everybody else out at poker, went on a boat ride that nearly ended early (not to mention far from shore) due to low gas levels, and ate a fair amount of steamed clams. It was a good day. Have a great Memorial Day. Pray for our troops to come home safely.

Kiwifruit

Monday, May 19, 2008

Happy Birthday Kiwi!

Thing# 109: My brother is a quarter of a century old!

I did not know this yesterday because it was not true yesterday. In honor of this special day, I have decided to collaborate with his parents and former roommate to compile a list of 25 things you may not know about Phil:

1. Phil is single handedly responsible for the death of countless pots, pans, and small appliances, including all those lost in the great 'Pecan Pie Massacre' and, I hear, a $10 mixer.

2. Phil can occupy every inch of space in front of a sink and counter while simultaneously being slower than humanly possible at getting ready.

3. Phil is a lover of nature. He once backed his car into a tree, got out, checked the tree with complete lack of concern for his car's well being, and drove to work.

4. Phil runs red lights and stops at green lights. Several long stories involved, but he has done both.

5. He can climb a telephone pole with his toenails. This is how he earned the nickname 'Bellsouth'. If you've seen his toenails, you understand.

6. His favorite colors are green and khaki.

7. He has a passion for cooking, especially grilling meat.

8. Little dogs love him and feel a compulsion to follow him for as long as possible after he walks by.

9. He once ran into a parked car.

10. He once set our front lawn on fire burning ant hills with gasoline. In his defense, he had help with this one.

11. He will wear a pair of sandals until they fall apart . . . then he will duct tape and super glue the pieces together and wear them until his wife finds out and throws them away.

12. He will take anything if it is free and buy anything if it says 'new' on the package.

13. He is an accomplished singer and songwriter, as well as guitar player.

14. He's unbeatable in the game Encore.

15. Everyone knows him. Growing up I was always "Phil's sister" and everywhere we went, somehow, at least a handful of people knew Phil.

16. He loves to take things apart and find out how they work, and unlike his dad, he can usually put them back together so they still work.

17. He's never had much fashion sense: The star shirt, the sailboat shirt, the sweat pants with the hole from his knee to his ankle . . .

18. He is blindingly white, but then, that is sort of a family trait.

19. When he was four years old he lined up all the kids in the playground and made them sit down and listen while he preached to them.

20. He typically has bad luck with birthdays, hopefully this year was different!

21. He's a pool hustler.

22. There is no counting the number of times he has locked his keys in his car . . . while it was running.

23. His snore is said to be something like a gas generator, a guerilla battle cry, and a dying moose . . . run through an amplifier.

24. He has his mother's sense of direction. He once got lost in the bath tub, and spent hours wheeling a copier around a building looking for the exit.

25. Everyone loves Phil. The first time I met my future in-laws, we brought Phil. When we left my roommate said, "I think they liked you . . . but they LOVED Phil!" I guess he's just a loveable guy!

Happy Birthday Phil! We love you!

Phil's Sister

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The Sandals Weren't Made For Walking

Thing #108: Sandals and parades are not a good combination.

I was in a parade today. I know what your thinking, "Don't you have to be famous to be in a parade?" To which I would reply, "But I am famous." Just kidding. No, it turns out they just let anybody walk in parades these days. Case in point, I was in a parade today.

Now, logic and, coincidently, my wife would dictate that ratty, old flip-flops are not wise attire for a parade. Somehow, that little fact escaped me, even though my wife, as previously alluded to, pointed it out. You have to give me credit though, I did figure it out about halfway to the parade, when my feet started to hurt. That's right, I did say halfway to the parade, not halfway through it. We walked there. We barely made it. As we approached the pre-assigned meeting point, the parade started passing us.

We manage to catch up with the group from my wife's daycare, just as they were embarking. Then we walked. More. And I handed out strange paper hats to young children and couple of elderly people. It was good. My feet would disagree.

Kiwifruit


Is it just me, or do my posts tend to end rather abruptly?

The Universe, Peanuts, and the End of the World

Thing #107: The universe was brought to us in part by Planter's peanuts.

Strange but true. Apparently God had a little help from the peanut people, or so thinks the history channel. I was sitting on the couch watching a show about planets, black holes, and the likes, aptly named "The Universe" when all of the sudden as the commercials began I was notified of this fact. I wonder which part they were responsible for?

Either way, I must go now and quickly prepare for certain doom. As the show neared in end, they announced, and I quote, "Cosmic Apocalypse, coming up next."

As a side note, I also now know my blog has a spell check, which dad pointed out after trying to help me figure out to spell apocalypse. So I now I know it's spelled correctly.

The Chimp

Friday, May 16, 2008

A Papal Mess

Thing #106: There are endless possibilities for misusing the word "papal."

I started thinking about this recently when the Pope visited the United States. During the intense (okay, so intense and papal visit don't quite go together) news coverage the term Papal mass kept coming up. Of course, as everyone knows, this comes from the terms, mass, meaning a Catholic service, and papal, a term which encompasses all thing pope. It a Catholic service done by the Pope.

This however was not my first thought. My first thought was that it sounds like something the doctor would find during a routine exam. "Well, once we remove the papal mass from your side you should be fine." Unfortunately it didn't stop there. Here's the short list.

Papal Mass (alt.) - A unit of measurement based on the physical density of the Pope (or papal density).
Papal Mess - What happens when the Pope forgets to put the top on the blender before starting it.
Papal Miss - What you get when the Catholic Church finally allows the Pope to get married.
Papal Moss - What happens when the Pope lies still in the forest too long and lichen begins to grow on him.
Papal Mist - The Pope's own brand of lemon-lime soda.
Papal Mast - Part of the Pope's boat.

This is what happens when I spend too long in a car by myself. So remember kids, don't ever get a job that requires you to drive a lot and if you are lost in the forest moss always grows on the north side of the Pope.

Kiwifruit

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Ups and Downs of Optimissim

Thing #105: People used to read this blog.

Do they still? I'm not sure. For all the months I posted I had no idea, but lately I have been reading through old posts and have found comments from many readers I never knew we had. I confess it gives me a new found ferver for posting on a more regular basis. I shall endeavor to be a more optimisstic person in the future.

Except maybe when it comes to the Flyers. I tried being optimistic, but that got me nowhere. One more game and we're done for the post season.

Ah, it's good to be back.

The Chimp, back and better than ever